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Monday, October 04, 2010

New for Oktoberfest! Pigs So Hot They'll Melt Your Face Off!

Radioactive wild boars are running loose in Germany! Surprisingly, this is not a story being reported by The Weekly World News but instead was brought to my attention by the publicly funded newshounds at National Public Radio (or NPR*).

The story is about a month old now, but I can think of no better way to kick off Oktoberfest than by pointing out the amazing new dangers of over-imbibing. It used to be that one or two steins too many would just result in the usual risks of drunkenness: dangerous driving, eating too many schnitzels to try to absorb the alcohol, and realizing the next day that the gorgeous barmaid named Helga that you spent the evening with was in actuality a burly custodian named Edgar. ("But, oh how he could dance!" is the only pathetic consolation that your hungover brain can latch on to by this point.**)

Well, that's all samll potato pancakes now. There are radioactive wild boars roaming the countryside.  Too many lagers these days and you might accidentally stroll into the Black Forest and find yourself gored by bristling pig the size of a Volkswagen Bug.*** I don't actually know if the radiation is causing these wild pigs to grow in size, but it worked on Godzilla, so mind your sauerbraten! If a pig the size of the Eiffel Tower stomps it's way through Berlin, I don't want to say I told you so.

The only danger greater than giant, mutated, radioactive wild boars with chainsaws for tusks, hooves with red-hot spikes on the bottom, and wearing enormous William Shatner masks, is the risk you might accidentally sign yourself up as the main course at a cannibal restaurant.

That's right, Berlin's got a new eatery in the works and the main course could be you. (Warning: the linked story may give you a severe case of indigestion.) At least we can safely assume that most of the dishes are self-marinated.

The name of this new churrascaria is Flime, which is German for "Are you still using that limb?" The idea is that potential dineres (or is it dinees?) volunteer body parts and then the customers participate in the ""Wari-culture" of the restaurant, which involves cooking and eating the parts.

My guess is that the only serious interest will come from people who have severely damaged their brains with massive quantites of special label beer during Germany's most famous festival.

If it were me, I think I'd rather face off with the mutant razorback.

*Pronounced "NNNNPPPPPrrrtthhhggghh"
** No, I am not writing from experience, thank you very much.
*** It's at this point in the conversation that the Littlest Fando would strike me on the arm and shout "Radioactive one!"

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