Holiday Advice

Well, it's that holiday season! Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and Festivus (for the completely cynical Seinfeld fan) have arrived. Of course, everyone wants to celebrate, have fun, and most of all ...not look like an idiot. After all, nothing hurts worse than hearing taunts like "Bennie doesn't know the difference between a kinara and a menorrah!" or "Tonya's so stupid she thinks Santa Claus is the patron saint of chimneys!" or "Earl's such a nimrod he only asked for underwear for Christmas!"*

So here's some advice on things to avoid during the season of celebration.

• Avoid all jokes that begin with the words, "How do we know Santa's a pimp," and end with the phrase "Ho, ho, ho!"
• Stockings hung above the fireplace should not be made of lace and do not require a garter.
• The menorrah is a symbol of the light God provided Israel, not a cigarette lighter.
• You should dress appropriately for all of the above holidays. A loincloth with a mistletoe sprig for a hat is completely inappropriate attire, especially at Midnight Mass.
• Kwanzaa was not invented by The Reverend Jesse Jackson, President Barack Obama, or Kunta Kinte.
• The gifts of the Magi were gold, frankencense, and myrrh, not gift cards to Romano's Macaroni Grill.**
• Santa does not wear red because he's a "commie."
• In the U.S. people say, "Merry Christmas!" In the U.K., "Happy Christmas!" In Mexico, "Feliz Navidad!" In France, "Joyeux Noël!" Nowhere in the world do people greet each other for Christmas with the words, "Up your chimney with a candy cane!" Not even in the Bronx.
• None of Santa's reindeer are named Barbie.***

* A completely different Earl, I assure you.
**However, the authors of this blog will happily accept any donations of the latter; unless of course you want to send us gold instead.
*** Also, Rudolph's nose does not glow because he's an alcoholic, so stop telling your kids that.

The Worst of the Christmas (Special) Season

It's that time of year, the time when both children and adults are filled with joy and cheer, the time when people look back to a little town called Bethlehem and the miraculous gift given over 2000 years ago.

Unless you're a network executive. Then it's the ho-hum, jingle-jangly sound of advertising cash as Frosty dances about, Santa gets his name from the pendant his parents abandoned him with, and the only mention of stars are the type at the top of the Rockefeller Centre Christmas Tree (TM) and the overexposed (in more ways than one) celebrities appearing at the lighting special.

Still, better than some of the "holiday" specials television has and will offer up. The worst of the lot are below. I shudder at the thought.

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The Worst Television Christmas Specials of All Time

• An Oliver Stone Christmas
• Santa Got Run Over by a Reindeer
• Rudolph the Red-Nosed Lush
• An Evening at an Empty Canterbury Cathedral (BBC Exclusive)
• A Very Beyonce X-mas
• Frosty, The Dysfunctional Spouse
• Richard Nixon's Christmas Luau
• A Crack House Christmas
• Christmas at Woodstock
• Crazy Ole' Kris Kringle (An ABC Afterschool Special)
• 50 Ways to Prepare Reindeer
• An Al Queda Christmas (An Al-Jazeera Exclusive)

And for our friends celebrating other holidays this season, here are the very worst of those specials:

• Richard Nixon's Hanukkah BBQ
• A Festival of Lights, with Yasser Arafat
• Dynamite Menorah
• A Very Farrakhan Hanukkah
• The Killer Maccabees
• The Pat Boone Family Kwanzaa Festival
• Richard Nixon's Kwanzaa Lutefisk Bake-Off
• Kwanzaapolooza

Kinda makes Frosty the Snowman tolerable by comparison, don't you think?