You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Politics Ain't Just for Stiffs 'N Creeps

I used to think, correctly, that every person involved on any level in politics was a creep or a stiff. That remains 99.999% true. Seriously, have you ever been to a political rally? Have you ever attended one of those rallies for presidential candidates? I went to a McCain rally, and I thought I was in a Depends Undergarment convention. Then I went to an Obama rally in a shopping mall, and I was surrounded by ten million shaved-headed emo children in pleather shorts, and they all smelled like patchouli and soup. And not a good kind of soup like french onion or cream of mushroom. No, more like vegetable beef or minestrone. YECH!

But every person that is involved in politics is not a soup-scented diaper person, is the thing. I attended a political rally this past Friday that was as different from lame as green is from purple. All by myself, utilizing organizational skills that I developed for my Five Times Better self-help programs, I put together a political rally for MY personal presidential candidate of choice, Pip Clowson.

Most people have political rallies in ludicrous locations, like the aforementioned shopping mall, or giant parking lots, or in airplane hangars, or the living rooms of fading TV stars, or Gout Cream Factories, or Wendy's Old Fashioned Hamburger Restaurants in midwestern Idaho. All of these places are okay for living and playing but as political rallying points--the equivalent of pouring gravy over vomit.

Well, Pip Clowson had his political rally in a bookstore, thanks to me. Yes, a place of learning and wisdom and romance and musty old worm stinks and knowledge. The bookstore has a tiny meeting room in the back up a winding metal staircase, and I reserved it for one hour and a half of Pip Clowson magic. We ate cupcakes, sipped ice cold water, and listened to Pip tell us everything we ever needed to hear from a future President. I can't even explain it all to you, people. It was all way over my head, but it had something to do with altering America and changing our money into trapezoids.

For the first time in my life, I have hope for the future.

Check out and join me for hope/change and alterations

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Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Pip Clowson for President

I hesitate to ask this, but who are you going to vote for in November, America? Are you going to vote for Obama or McCain? Either way, you are stupid. Either way, you are an embarrassment. Either way, you are failures. Either way, you are morally sick and mentally broken. Either way, you are sub-par. Either way, you are mentally questionable. Either way, you have disavowed your own nation in favor of a nation of blithering yak hearted fiends. Either way, you shame the universe with your decisions. Either way, you set fire to your dreams, kick your hopes in the groin, slap your future in the face until its teeth break and fall out of its mouth, and take a baseball bat to the neck of your liberty like Al Capone to a serpent's ribcage.

Yes, I said it. I called it liked I see'd it, America. Obama himself has proclaimed, "If elected, I vow to imprison your children and burn your homes to the ground," or words to that effect, more or less. McCain, similarly, has publically declared, "Elect me your President, my good friends, and I will annihilate everything you've ever cared about and everyone you've ever loved," or, at least, implied it by the look on his face.

How can we choose between terrible misery and miserable terriby? That is like asking a horse to take a bath in battery acid or else to bite his own eyeballs out of his skull. You can't ask people to make choices. That's called communism, and I think we already bombed communism back to the bronze age, if I recall correctly.

As for me, I have rejected every political party in America, because they have all, brick by brick, built a stronghold of ideas that will never make sense to anyone who didn't go to college. And I didn't go to college. I was too busy building this country with my bare hands. I didn't sit around eating marshmallow pies and chocolate gravy in the dorm rooms. Did you? How did I build this country with my bare hands, you ask? By going outside, buckling down, with a hammer in one hand and a sack of nails in the other, and literally hammering nails into the wall of our great nation. Sometimes for hours on end. Sometimes I hammered a nail into another nail; You can't stop me.

All of that is to say, please for the love of my own heart, DON'T vote for either of those two old sacks of lie called Obama and McCain. I have a better candidate for you, children of George Washington. That better choice is 1) independent, 2) honest, 3) genuine, 4) correct, 5) not a tramp. His name is Pip Clowson, and he is a farmer, a real man of the earth, and he cares about little people and stuff you wouldn't know about. He knows what it means to suffer, and he knows what it means to believe in suffering.

Check out his personal blog and please, don't murder this nation with a terrible choice in November. Vote for Pip Clowson. Don't make me come over there and stop you for your dumb choices.

Nuffy, your Friend

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Tuesday, September 09, 2008


So much to blog about at so little time...

So the politcal conventions here in the States have passed and they were the usual festivals of pomp, circumstance,* glitz, long-winded oratory and public dry heaves. It was glorious stuff all, especially if you write a comedy blog.**

So here's a wrap up of things you may have missed at the U.S. Democratic National Convention, with a Republican wrap-up to follow tomorrow or as soon as I get to it.***

Things You May Have Missed at the 2008 U.S. Democratic National Convention****
  • Hillary Clinton's entered the Pepsi Center by jumping over 14 Greyhound coach buses on a motorcycle. (Footage)

  • I could have sworn I saw Al Franken getting coffee for Barack Obama. (Decaf latte with whipped cream, if you must know, but Stew's the expert on these things.)

  • John Edwards was sent to the undisclosed location that Dick Cheney usually inhabits during orange alerts. (Alone... he was sent alone.)

  • Bill Clinton actually accepted the presidential nomination at one point during his speech, until Michelle Obama beat him down with a rolled-up copy of the 22nd Amendment.

  • Joe Biden's acceptance speech was pre-taped and shown in fast motion. Did anyone notice that it still ran long?

  • Anyone see Lieberman? Anyone? Where was that bloke?

  • John Kerry was given a very warm welcome to the convention, until everyone suddenly realized he wasn't Ben Affleck.

  • Al Gore and Hillary got into a catfight off-set after the former First Lady mistakenly thought the former Vice-President's "Hey, I believe in recycling, but that’s ridiculous!" comment was about her. Later, they both had a beer and agreed that it was all Bill's fault. Hillary even generously paid for steak for Gore's black eye... both of them... and the broken pelvis.

  • Speaking of broken pelvises, those were Britney Spears' dancers gyrating on the set during Obama's acceptance speech. They were a package deal with the set.

  • No, they weren't dancing to Tap's "Stonehenge" but Obama whistled it while waiting for the applause to die down.

  • That was Keith Olbermann and Chris Matthews doing the "We're not worthy!" bit in front of Obama after the speech (and Joe Scarborough shooting spitwads at all three of them from the balcony until he was hauled off by security).

  • Jimmy Carter and Joe Biden got into a "smile-off" after the convention. They'd still be there if Biden's people didn't pull him away for campaign events. David Bowie was the judge for the impromptu event.
*That's circumstance and not circumcision.
** "...or the Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas." Sorry, I was just channeling the folks at Boing Boing... that is channeling what they might be thinking if they paid any attention to this blog or knew it even existed. Bastards.
***Within a fortnight! Promise!!
****Yes, yes, I know I've already said it in the paragraph above. Please allow for the tiniest bit of form, will you?