The State of the US Election

Well, there are only two weeks until US voters go to the polls to elect our next president. Which means that everyone in the country is currently completely mental. The latest updates that you won't read anywhere else:

• Senator Hillary Clinton has been campaigning hard for Senator Barack Obama but supporters have noticed the strange ending to her stump speech: "And if McCain wins on November 4th, don't forget I told you so, you ungrateful bastards!" Obama campaign officials have asked her to change the line. It now reads, "And if McCain loses..."
• The latest news on ACORN is that they have managed to not only register Mickey Mouse, but also Donald Duck, Goofy, Minnie Mouse, Scrooge McDuck, Pluto, Huey, Louie, and Dewey, Clarabelle Cow, Chip and Dale, that candelabra guy from Beauty and the Beast (wonderfully voiced by the late, great Jerry Orbach), the dinosaur from Toy Story I and II, Dumbo, Pinocchio, Jiminy Cricket, Snow White, all seven dwarves, the Wicked Queen, Cinderella, Gus Gus the mouse, and Jimmy Hoffa. All but Gus Gus voted in the last election in California. Gus Gus voted in Florida... twice.
• Senator Joe Biden committed a faux-pas on the campaign trail when he suggested in a speech that he invented butter. Senator Biden also announced that he was once Chiang Kai-Shek, that he played for the Yankees in 1957, that his hair plugs are really space-alien antennae, and that he could eat soup with chopsticks. When this was reported to Governor Sarah Palin, she laughed so hard she fell off her snow-machine, dropped her flute, AND snorted milk up her nose.
• Pip Clowson has offered Joe the Plumber a job as Secretary of the planned Department of Plumbing and Wastewater Management in a new Clowson administration. Joe announced he's holding out for the Vice-Presidential nomination. Clowson was non-comittal, saying that he wasn't sure how much he liked the sound of "Joe the Vice President" seeing as Obama already has laid claim to that idea.
• Senator Barack Obama announced his new plan to improve America by renaming the middle-class. In an Obama administration they will be known as the "better-than-average-class." He also announced that he would be forming a Department of Giveaways to the Middle-Class in his administration.
• Senator John McCain announced his strategy for beating Obama in the last few weeks of the election: Glower and stalk around the campaign trail like a man hunting a rabid wolf with a pickaxe.
• Governor Sarah Palin demonstrated her sharp intelligence by beating both Charlie Gibson, Katie Couric, and Tina Fey in games of Scrabble, Pictionary, and Scattergories. Couric was eliminated in Scrabble when she tried to make a word out of the letters G, R, W, X, and V, claiming it was the code for her subscription to The Economist. To her credit, Fey won a round of Pictionary on the word "stiff" when she drew a picture of Gibson.
• Senator Barack Obama announced he was improving his plan to rename the middle-class and would now call them "the super-duper class" and pointed out that McCain was still just calling them "the plain-old middle class, just like that failure George W. Bush."
• After Senator John McCain's Alfred Smith Dinner remarks, excoriating Keith Olbermann, Olbermann publicly declared McCain "a foul, nasty, wrinkled old *&%$... (1,457 characters expurgated)" and then went into a snit and promised not to change straitjackets until McCain was beaten.
• Senator John McCain announced that for the rest of the campaign he would be carrying a baseball bat with the words "The Peacemaker" burned into the wood. Barack Obama later claimed that McCain got the idea from Vice President Dick Cheney, who carries a baseball bat with the words "The Pacemaker" burned on it. No word on the rumours that McCain's bat has human blood and hair on it.
• Senator Barack Obama declared that "the super-duper class" wasn't good enough for the middle-class and that he had finally settled on calling them "the world-class-class." McCain responded by announcing that he would furthermore refer to the middle-class as the "Joe the Plumber class."
• In a related story, Ralph Nader and Bob Barr were seen doing something or other that may have been vaguely related to the presidential campaign.
• In a related story, psych wards nationwide are full to the brim.

Politics Ain't Just for Stiffs 'N Creeps

I used to think, correctly, that every person involved on any level in politics was a creep or a stiff. That remains 99.999% true. Seriously, have you ever been to a political rally? Have you ever attended one of those rallies for presidential candidates? I went to a McCain rally, and I thought I was in a Depends Undergarment convention. Then I went to an Obama rally in a shopping mall, and I was surrounded by ten million shaved-headed emo children in pleather shorts, and they all smelled like patchouli and soup. And not a good kind of soup like french onion or cream of mushroom. No, more like vegetable beef or minestrone. YECH!

But every person that is involved in politics is not a soup-scented diaper person, is the thing. I attended a political rally this past Friday that was as different from lame as green is from purple. All by myself, utilizing organizational skills that I developed for my Five Times Better self-help programs, I put together a political rally for MY personal presidential candidate of choice, Pip Clowson.

Most people have political rallies in ludicrous locations, like the aforementioned shopping mall, or giant parking lots, or in airplane hangars, or the living rooms of fading TV stars, or Gout Cream Factories, or Wendy's Old Fashioned Hamburger Restaurants in midwestern Idaho. All of these places are okay for living and playing but as political rallying points--the equivalent of pouring gravy over vomit.

Well, Pip Clowson had his political rally in a bookstore, thanks to me. Yes, a place of learning and wisdom and romance and musty old worm stinks and knowledge. The bookstore has a tiny meeting room in the back up a winding metal staircase, and I reserved it for one hour and a half of Pip Clowson magic. We ate cupcakes, sipped ice cold water, and listened to Pip tell us everything we ever needed to hear from a future President. I can't even explain it all to you, people. It was all way over my head, but it had something to do with altering America and changing our money into trapezoids.

For the first time in my life, I have hope for the future.

Check out pipclowson.wordpress.com and join me for hope/change and alterations

Campaign Threads - A Follow-Up

Rather than just leave you with the headlines my source predicted would appear, I decided to follow-up on them and found that they were confirmed in print and photo. If you want to see what I mean, just click on the linked headlines below or check out the pictures underneath.

• "Stallone Possibly Endorses McCain, Enthusiastic Mumbling at Rally"
  
• "Thompson Withdraws: Returns to 'Sanity of Hollywood'"


• "Rudy Sightings in Loch Ness, Mt. Everest, and Boca Raton"



















• "Obama Underdog to Face Hillary on American Gladiators"


• "Romney Vows Further Triangulation"
  
• "Ron Paul: 'I'm Really a Republican... No, Seriously, Guys!'"
  

















• "Edwards Blames Blow-Dryer for S.C. Performance"
  
• "Kucinich Transitions to Candidacy for Ambassador to Klingon Empire"
  
• "Hillary's Pledge: 'Contract on Obama'"
  
• "Chuck Norris Accidentally Breaks Huckabee In Two"
  
• "McCain Hammers Romney, Ball-Peen Suspected"
  
• "Rudy's Revelation: 'Easy Come, Easy Go'"
  
• "Former President Clinton's Shock: 'Obama's Black?'"
  
• "Paul Supporters Promise Conniptions and Blackouts"
  
• "Joe Biden Found in N.H. Snowbank"
  

Latest US Campaign Threads

For those of you obsessed with politics (and you know who you are ...because I certainly don't) here are a few of tomorrow's headlines*. And they say serious politics is dead...

• "Stallone Possibly Endorses McCain, Enthusiastic Mumbling at Rally"


• "Thompson Withdraws: Returns to 'Sanity of Hollywood'"


• "Rudy Sightings in Loch Ness, Mt. Everest, and Boca Raton"


• "Obama Underdog to Face Hillary on American Gladiators"


• "Romney Vows Further Triangulation"


• "Ron Paul: 'I'm Really a Republican... No, Seriously, Guys!'"


• "Edwards Blames Blow-Dryer for S.C. Performance"


• "Kucinich Transitions to Candidacy for Ambassador to Klingon Empire"


• "Hillary's Pledge: 'Contract on Obama'"


• "Chuck Norris Accidentally Breaks Huckabee In Two"


• "McCain Hammers Romney, Ball-Peen Suspected"


• "Rudy's Revelation: 'Easy Come, Easy Go'"


• "Former President Clinton's Shock: 'Obama's Black?'"


• "Paul Supporters Promise Conniptions and Blackouts"


• "Joe Biden Found in N.H. Snowbank"

Personally, I can't wait for tomorrow's papers.

**********
*I got them cheap from the man who hangs out behind the local Wal-Mart. I suppose his surprising number of media connections is directly related to the fact that half of his wardrobe consists of newspapers.

Blazing a Campaign Trail

The U.S. Presidential campaign is well underway, with several state primaries, caucuses, and thingamabobs having already taken place. The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas will not, of course, endorse any particular candidate, feeling that all the current participants are quite adequate for their fair share of laughs.

However, as the poltical battle is shaping up as big news, and as we love current events the way Oprah loves Deal or No Deal, I thought I'd give you a quick run down on the recent progress of the candidates.

• Hillary Clinton recently demonstrated surprising emotion by breaking into tears at a campaign rally in New Hampshire. Later though, the tears were revealed to have been the side-effect of the candidate having grinded her teeth to the nerve endings, after losing to Obama in Iowa.
• Mike Huckabee has taken a whirlwind tour of South Carolina, where he played the bass guitar, extolled his tax proposals, and ran commercials claiming that Mitt Romney might just be the secret Spawn of Satan. Later, the Huckabee campaign explained that the ads were, "Unfortunate," "Unsolicitied," "Uncalled for," and "Cool!"
• John Edwards' hair is reported to be considering leaving the campaign, disappointed at Edwards' maladroit campaign strategy and his constant over-application of moisterisers.
• Rudy Guiliani was reported to have been sighted at a campground in Northern Florida. However, after further investigation it turned out to have merely been Bigfoot.
• John McCain wrestled three people to the ground, bit the head off a chicken, and physically lifted a VW Bug over his head during a campaign stop in Manchester, New Hampshire. Campaign staffers blame a Geritol overdose.
• Barack Obama came to South Carolina with an extremely positive campaign message. When pressed for policy details, and other specifics, Obama responded, "Whatever they are, I think we all can feel very, very good about their future."
• Mitt Romney continued to hammer away at criticisms of his Mormon religious beliefs and the few microscopic imperfections on his rock-like chin. He also promised that as President that he would not be beholden to the Church of Latter-Day Saints, as they would have to extravagantly lobby him like everyone else.
• Fred Thompson got to South Carolina early to get a head start on campaigning there. After a round of golf, 3 naps, and a massage, the Thompson staff began planning next week's events.
• Ron Paul supporters were seen harassing an older man, accusing him of hiding the "truth about 9/11" and "secret government intelligence." After 20 minutes, the supporters realised that they were badgering their very own candidate. Paul responded to media questions about the incident by saying, "I get that all the time."
• Dennis Kucinich was seen over the Columbia, South Carolina aeroport, in a cigar-shaped flying object of undetermined origins. Strangely enough, the object clearly had a bumper-sticker that said "Obama 08."
• The Libertarian and Socialist candidates for President were seen sweeping up after a very large rally. At least we think it was them. We're not sure.