Surprises at the Big Obama Bash

All of America seems to be gearing up for the big Obama inauguration party this weekend. One half of America is excited to see the man they voted for enter office, and the other half is trying to make as much money off of Obama memoribilia as they can, to offset their financial losses in the recession.

Anyway, there's a massive party going on as I write this. I did a little investigating, and according to a very reliable source,* there are going to be quite a few amazing surprises for the throngs of celebrants.

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The Big Surprises at the Obama Inaugural Party

• John McCain plans to streak the stage, covered with nothing but tears.
• Three words: Rip, Taylor, confetti.
• The Eagles will reunite, break up, and then reunite again, just for this show. Since each musical act only gets one song, it should be a racuous number.
• The crowd will be tear gassed and beaten with batons by Park Police in a special commemoration of the 1968 Chicago Democratic Convention.
• The preserved body of Librace will make a special appearance and "perform" some of his greatest hits. Obama's people stated that this was in no way an attempt to placate critics of Rick Warren. "We wanted to bring Rick Warren and his anti-Prop 8 critics together by giving them both something they could be properly appalled at," a spokesperson said.
• Beyonce will host, sing repeatedly, and make goo-goo eyes at the President-elect until Michelle Obama bodily removes her from the stage and the District of Columbia.
• President-elect Obama will have a guy wacked, just to show he's in charge now. A volunteer (MSNBC anchor Keith Olbermann) was found for the occasion.
• The Rush Limbaugh dunking tank
• Nancy Pelosi will sing MacArthur Park
• The French Air Force will do a flyover
• Hilary Clinton's will recreate Peter Finch's legendary scene from Network. Obama's people say this isn't actually a planned event. They just expect it to happen sometime during the inaugural events. Park Police are armed with thorazine tranquilizers, in case the former first lady is armed.
• The Scarlett Johansson kissing booth
• The Bill Clinton kissing booth
• The Barney Frank kissing booth
• Dick Cheney will be removed to an undisclosed location.
• Barbara Striesand will come out of retirement to sing The Way We Were and jump 13 double-decker buses on a motorcycle. Streisand's representatives said that, "Barbara wants to do something memorable for President Obama, and she thought that just singing would be too predictable." If Ms. Striesand is unable to complete the jump for any reason, Oprah will step in as the backup.
• The Washington Monument will be launched into space as a giant firework at the end. An Obama spokesperson reportedly stated that, "...not only will it be a spectacular way to end the festivities, but we'll need the space if the Obama Monument is to be completed by 2013 ...I mean 2017."

*At the parking garage, he said his name was "Deep Stoat" but he sounded an awful lot like Joe Biden.

The State of the US Election

Well, there are only two weeks until US voters go to the polls to elect our next president. Which means that everyone in the country is currently completely mental. The latest updates that you won't read anywhere else:

• Senator Hillary Clinton has been campaigning hard for Senator Barack Obama but supporters have noticed the strange ending to her stump speech: "And if McCain wins on November 4th, don't forget I told you so, you ungrateful bastards!" Obama campaign officials have asked her to change the line. It now reads, "And if McCain loses..."
• The latest news on ACORN is that they have managed to not only register Mickey Mouse, but also Donald Duck, Goofy, Minnie Mouse, Scrooge McDuck, Pluto, Huey, Louie, and Dewey, Clarabelle Cow, Chip and Dale, that candelabra guy from Beauty and the Beast (wonderfully voiced by the late, great Jerry Orbach), the dinosaur from Toy Story I and II, Dumbo, Pinocchio, Jiminy Cricket, Snow White, all seven dwarves, the Wicked Queen, Cinderella, Gus Gus the mouse, and Jimmy Hoffa. All but Gus Gus voted in the last election in California. Gus Gus voted in Florida... twice.
• Senator Joe Biden committed a faux-pas on the campaign trail when he suggested in a speech that he invented butter. Senator Biden also announced that he was once Chiang Kai-Shek, that he played for the Yankees in 1957, that his hair plugs are really space-alien antennae, and that he could eat soup with chopsticks. When this was reported to Governor Sarah Palin, she laughed so hard she fell off her snow-machine, dropped her flute, AND snorted milk up her nose.
• Pip Clowson has offered Joe the Plumber a job as Secretary of the planned Department of Plumbing and Wastewater Management in a new Clowson administration. Joe announced he's holding out for the Vice-Presidential nomination. Clowson was non-comittal, saying that he wasn't sure how much he liked the sound of "Joe the Vice President" seeing as Obama already has laid claim to that idea.
• Senator Barack Obama announced his new plan to improve America by renaming the middle-class. In an Obama administration they will be known as the "better-than-average-class." He also announced that he would be forming a Department of Giveaways to the Middle-Class in his administration.
• Senator John McCain announced his strategy for beating Obama in the last few weeks of the election: Glower and stalk around the campaign trail like a man hunting a rabid wolf with a pickaxe.
• Governor Sarah Palin demonstrated her sharp intelligence by beating both Charlie Gibson, Katie Couric, and Tina Fey in games of Scrabble, Pictionary, and Scattergories. Couric was eliminated in Scrabble when she tried to make a word out of the letters G, R, W, X, and V, claiming it was the code for her subscription to The Economist. To her credit, Fey won a round of Pictionary on the word "stiff" when she drew a picture of Gibson.
• Senator Barack Obama announced he was improving his plan to rename the middle-class and would now call them "the super-duper class" and pointed out that McCain was still just calling them "the plain-old middle class, just like that failure George W. Bush."
• After Senator John McCain's Alfred Smith Dinner remarks, excoriating Keith Olbermann, Olbermann publicly declared McCain "a foul, nasty, wrinkled old *&%$... (1,457 characters expurgated)" and then went into a snit and promised not to change straitjackets until McCain was beaten.
• Senator John McCain announced that for the rest of the campaign he would be carrying a baseball bat with the words "The Peacemaker" burned into the wood. Barack Obama later claimed that McCain got the idea from Vice President Dick Cheney, who carries a baseball bat with the words "The Pacemaker" burned on it. No word on the rumours that McCain's bat has human blood and hair on it.
• Senator Barack Obama declared that "the super-duper class" wasn't good enough for the middle-class and that he had finally settled on calling them "the world-class-class." McCain responded by announcing that he would furthermore refer to the middle-class as the "Joe the Plumber class."
• In a related story, Ralph Nader and Bob Barr were seen doing something or other that may have been vaguely related to the presidential campaign.
• In a related story, psych wards nationwide are full to the brim.

News Briefs

Some news briefs, meaning short news bits and having nothing whatsoever to do with knickers.

• Evanescence lead singer Amy Lee fired herself from the band today, sighting creative differences with one of her tattoos, which later resigned in solidarity with her lower thigh. This change means that the band is now without all of its founding members. The band has found a replacement for Lee though. Yoko Ono will be joining the group in June. A band spokesperson stated, "It'll be a big change in style, but we think Yoko will be easier to get along with."
  
• AFP reports that "vandals" have damaged Stonehenge with "a hammer and screwdriver." The vandals reportedly built a wooden deck at the foot of the one of the Trilithons, and set up a grill and deck chairs. Police and local security quickly rounded up the vandals, after a few beers and burgers. The deck was later demolished to preserve the historical veracity of the ancient sarcen circle, and also to make way for a four-million pound steel and glass visitors' centre, which will include an animatronic Spinal Tap singing their song "Stonehenge."
  
• An Israeli woman stripped to her birthday suit in response to wolf whistles from New Zealand road workers. Several companies immediately invested in research to see if this was an isolated phenomenon, or could be reproduced and mass-marketed. Microsoft is working on a virtual version.
  
• McDonald's reports that it is now cooking all its french-fries in trans-fat free oils, switching from the earlier cooking oil they used, which was known as "McDonald's All-American Cooking Goo." McDonald's also announced other initiatives to develop their reputation as a healthful food outlet, including painting the home of the president of the Center for Science in the Public Interest, walking his dog, and other "personal"services.
  
• Gas prices continue to rise in the United States, with prices expected to top $10,000 per gallon by Memorial Day. Congress responded to the crisis by lambasting "greedy Big Oil" and threatning to take OPEC to Judge Judy. They then voted themsleves a raise, additional helath-care benefits, and began an extended 4-month Memorial Day holiday in Aruba. President Bush told reporters he was "disappointed."
  
• A German mail company as acciedentally issued stamps bearing the likeness of notorious Hitler confidante Rudolf Hess. The company, Deutsche Post (German for "Deutsche Post") apologised, issuing a press release which explained that they thought it was a George Michael commemorative series. "We should have spotted the error, given that Hess is a bit slimmer than Michael...that and all the swastikas," the release stated.
  
• Senator Barack Obama has rejected several suggestions from Senator Hillary Clinton on a way to decide the close fought Democratic Nomination. He turned down the following offers:
  - Arm wrestle for it
  - Boston Marathon course in July
  - High-stakes poker match, Howard Dean can bring the cards
  - American Idol sing-off
  - Spouses fight to the death
  An Obama spokesman responded that Senator Obama would not accept any compromise that did not result in his winning the nomination and "Mrs. Clinton's *** in a sling."
  

Campaign Threads - A Follow-Up

Rather than just leave you with the headlines my source predicted would appear, I decided to follow-up on them and found that they were confirmed in print and photo. If you want to see what I mean, just click on the linked headlines below or check out the pictures underneath.

• "Stallone Possibly Endorses McCain, Enthusiastic Mumbling at Rally"
  
• "Thompson Withdraws: Returns to 'Sanity of Hollywood'"


• "Rudy Sightings in Loch Ness, Mt. Everest, and Boca Raton"



















• "Obama Underdog to Face Hillary on American Gladiators"


• "Romney Vows Further Triangulation"
  
• "Ron Paul: 'I'm Really a Republican... No, Seriously, Guys!'"
  

















• "Edwards Blames Blow-Dryer for S.C. Performance"
  
• "Kucinich Transitions to Candidacy for Ambassador to Klingon Empire"
  
• "Hillary's Pledge: 'Contract on Obama'"
  
• "Chuck Norris Accidentally Breaks Huckabee In Two"
  
• "McCain Hammers Romney, Ball-Peen Suspected"
  
• "Rudy's Revelation: 'Easy Come, Easy Go'"
  
• "Former President Clinton's Shock: 'Obama's Black?'"
  
• "Paul Supporters Promise Conniptions and Blackouts"
  
• "Joe Biden Found in N.H. Snowbank"
  

Latest US Campaign Threads

For those of you obsessed with politics (and you know who you are ...because I certainly don't) here are a few of tomorrow's headlines*. And they say serious politics is dead...

• "Stallone Possibly Endorses McCain, Enthusiastic Mumbling at Rally"


• "Thompson Withdraws: Returns to 'Sanity of Hollywood'"


• "Rudy Sightings in Loch Ness, Mt. Everest, and Boca Raton"


• "Obama Underdog to Face Hillary on American Gladiators"


• "Romney Vows Further Triangulation"


• "Ron Paul: 'I'm Really a Republican... No, Seriously, Guys!'"


• "Edwards Blames Blow-Dryer for S.C. Performance"


• "Kucinich Transitions to Candidacy for Ambassador to Klingon Empire"


• "Hillary's Pledge: 'Contract on Obama'"


• "Chuck Norris Accidentally Breaks Huckabee In Two"


• "McCain Hammers Romney, Ball-Peen Suspected"


• "Rudy's Revelation: 'Easy Come, Easy Go'"


• "Former President Clinton's Shock: 'Obama's Black?'"


• "Paul Supporters Promise Conniptions and Blackouts"


• "Joe Biden Found in N.H. Snowbank"

Personally, I can't wait for tomorrow's papers.

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*I got them cheap from the man who hangs out behind the local Wal-Mart. I suppose his surprising number of media connections is directly related to the fact that half of his wardrobe consists of newspapers.