You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Friday, November 18, 2005

When Terrorists Make Bad PR Decisions

Jordanian-born terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi issued a communique today indicating that the suicide bombing at a Jordanian wedding last week was a mistake. He said that the bombers were actually targeting a hall where Israeli and American intelligence agents were supposed to be meeting.

Apparently we're supposed to believe that this idiot considers authentic Jordanian wedding party standard issue disguise for Israeli intelligence personnel. To complete his ridiculous illusion, al-Zarqawi added, "I defy the renegade government to show us the losses among the Jews." What a complete asshat.

Demonstrating an uncanny lack of talent for public relations, al-Zarqawi continued, adding that his group planned "to kill Jordan's King Abdullah II, and bomb more hotels and tourist sites." (The quote is from the AP article. Presumably al-Zarqawi would have said the whole thing in much more vividly graphic and violent prose.) That should quell Jordanians' desires to stuff al-Zarqawi into a matchbox...not.

Would it be overstating the obvious to point out that al-Zarqawi is a mass-murdering, devious, sadistic, lying sack of crap, with a block of ice for a heart, and the brains of a turnip?

His people blow up a wedding, kill innocent Jordanians (and at least one American), and then he says it's a mistake and they were really just trying to kill Israeli and American agents. Does he really believe that the citizens of Jordan are so stupid and overcome with prejudice (although that is an accurate description of al-Zarqawi of course) that they would drop their anger at him the moment he starts blathering about Zionists?

"Oh, that case, blow up all the wedding parties you want to Abu! My sister's getting married next week...could you send someone by?" ...Not bloody likely.

Fortunately, as we speak, I have no doubt there are several people in Jordan planning to separate al-Zarqawi from his overtaxed bean.

Al-Zarqawi did desperately add one more vuglar lie to his message. He said, addressing the Jordanian people, "We want to assure you that ... you are more beloved to us than ourselves."

If that was true, then I expect he'd have blown himself up by now, if only as a corrections policy.

Potter: The Saga Continues!

Well, today the latest Harry Potter film comes out in the United States: Harry Potter and the Enormous Sacks of Cash.

No, I'm only kidding of course. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire will hit the theatres today.

I decided to sit down with Producer David Heyman to discuss the film and the Potter franchise. Unfortunately, he wouldn't return my calls, so instead I called an Associate Producer, who insisted that I not use his name, because David would beat him senseless if he found out he was talking to me.


Earl: Thanks for chatting with me Mr. Name Withheld.

N.W.: Sure, only make it quick, because David has everyone watched, and I've only just managed to slip away for a moment.

Earl: Sure thing. One question I know a lot of fans of the books have is why will this movie, based on an 800-plus page book, only last two and a half hours long?

N.W.: Well, we thought about making the film match the book more closely, but realized that the film would be over 40 hours long if we did so, and that's only the first 20 chapters.

Earl: You realize that's utter nonsense.

N.W.: Yes.

Earl: Just checking. Isn't it true that you had a screenplay that condensed the whole of the book into three hours and ten minutes? If Kevin Costner could make Dances with Wolves over three hours long from a scenario written in magic marker on the back of a napkin, surely you could extend a film based on an 800-plus page book to the three-hour mark?

N.W.: You're trying to trick me...that scenario was written in coloured pencil.

Earl: You're on to me. Tell me, are there any key differences between the film of "Goblet of Fire" and the book.

N.W.: A few. Instead of completing the Tri-Wizard tournament, Harry and Hermione become trapped on a speeding bus, and if the bus slows beneath 50 miles an hour, it will explode.

Earl: Surely, that's the plot of the film Speed, with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock?

N.W.: No, this is completely different, as the bomb on the bus is magical and made of pixie dust. Also, it actually explodes while Harry and Hermione are still on the bus.

Earl: You've killed off Harry and Hermione? Aren't there three more films to come?

N.W.: It's all right! I don't like to give away the plot, but it turns out to have all been a dream, which Hermione realizes when she sees Harry after coming out of the shower.

Earl: That's a bit of plot from the television programme Dallas.

N.W.: No, no, Larry Hagman doesn't appear until Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, as Umbridge.

Earl: Any more surprises?

N.W.: Crabbe is gay in this film and is in love with Malfoy.

Earl: I thought that was in the book.

N.W.: Maybe, I lose track. Oh, the film does conclude with an dramatic and surreal action sequence, where Harry drives a tractor-trailer through the Great Hall at Hogwarts, running over Voldemort and Pettigrew. He then leaps out and declares his undying love for Molly Weasley...

Earl: mean Hermione...

N.W.: ...Right... and then she rejects him and runs off with Hugh Grant, who has taken over the role of Flitwick.

Earl: Isn't he a bit tall for Flitwick?

N.W.: We couldn't get Warwick Davis.

Earl: A friend of mine will be very disappointed.

100 Years of Inspiration and Cheap Thrills

The American Film Institute is coming up with yet another 100 years list.

They've already run this theme well into the ground. Already we've seen:

100 Years...100 Movies
100 Years...100 Stars
100 Years...100 Laughs
100 Years...100 Thrills
100 Years...100 Passions
100 Years...100 Heroes and Villains
100 Years...100 Songs
100 Years...100 Movie Quotes
100 Years of Film Scores
100 Years...100 Brutal Onscreen Killings
100 Years...100 Nude Scenes
100 Years...100 People Who Should Never Be Allowed Onscreen Again
100 Years...100 Films by Foreigners
100 Years...100 Jack Valenti Oscar Appearances

100 Years...100 Whoopi Goldberg Cameos and Roles
100 Years...100 Movies Leonard Maltin Thought Were Garbage

Admittedly, there was a great deal of overlap on those last two lists.

So, after such a sterling run, what's the latest list to be?

100 Years...100 Cheers: America's Most Inspiring Movies

Some of the films already nominated are The Karate Kid, 8 Mile, and Rocky.

Yes, that rumble you heard was my stomach churning.

However, as I love films and appreciate the good work AFI normally does, I feel obligated to contribute a helpful list of the ten films that have inspired me the most. I hope this helps you out my film-preserving friends:

10. Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan - Who couldn't be inspired when William Shatner as James T. Kirk screams "Khan!!!!" at the top of his lungs? For that matter, who couldn't be inspired by William Shatner's magnificent toupee' and the fact that it almost never fell off onscreen? Also, Ricardo Montalban must surely be the most ripped septugenarian to ever appear in film. I hope to have the same trainer when I'm his age.

9. Shane - He kept walking when that creepy little boy shouted, "I love you Shane!" I can think of few scenes more inspiring than that. Alone with that obessive kid in a cabin in the plains? A death sentence for sure.

8. Titanic - A film that inspired me to do several things: Never travel by ocean liner in the North Atlantic, laugh and point at people who climb on things and shout "I'm the King of the World!", and burn my Celine Dion CD collection (except for Celine - Live in Pyongyang!, which is irreplaceably rare, since they only pressed three copies of it before North Korea's only working CD burner broke down on account of the squirrels that powered it being eaten by the technicians.)

7. The Straight Story - the most inspiring part of the film for me is the opening titles: "Walt Disney Pictures presents A Film by David Lynch." Proof that anything can happen in America, and usually does.

6. Bio Dome - This inspired me to leave the cinema immediately. Admittedly, that's not necessarily a positive thing, but the power of this film's inspiration to do just that is undeniable.

5. Empire of the Ants - The movie contains the death scene of a particularly annoying character portrayed by Joan Collins. Future generations can only marvel in wonder at her inspirational fate at the pincers of badly processed giant cinematic ants.

4. Lord of the Rings Trilogy - This inspired me to decide that, should I ever become a film producer, to hire Peter Jackson to make a movie about something really popular and grandiose, and then watch the cash flow in, especially if Liv Tyler and Orlando Bloom are two of the leads.

3. Incubus - The only film made in Esperanto. Starring William Shatner. I'm not sure this creepy film about demons is really inspirational, but it's such a completely weird idea for a film that it should be on somebody's list.

2. Enter the Dragon - Bruce Lee's most famous film movie inspired me to begin my exhaustive study and practice of Kung Fu (almost 2 full weeks), which was admittedly setback when the first style I decieded to learn was Moo Goo Gai Pan. You know, kung fu instructors are usually portrayed in the pictures as serene, even stoic individuals, full of wisdom and insight. However, from personal experience I can tell you they are capable of being really sarcastic and condescending bastards at times.

1. Benji The Hunted - I haven't seen the film, but I can only hope they caught the annoying little mutt.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Here is my advice - Tank you verrry much.

Speaking of unfortunate Reader's Digest columns, the most unfortunate of these is the highly unfortunate "Ask Laskas". (Like how I keep working the name of the blog into the post?)

Ask Laskas is an advice column. This is of course the type of column where complete strangers write into a national magazine writer whom they've never met, pour out personal and sometimes intimate troubles to this individual, and then ask for that strangers advice on how to conduct their lives from henceforth. The letter writers frequently use psdeudonyms like "Tired in Toledo" or "Masochist from Manhattan."

In other words, it's like psychotherapy conducted by performance artists, only without the nudity and chocolate.

I am completely unaware of the qualifications this Laskas person has to answer questions about people's personal problems. Generally though, the personal advice columns in newspaperes are a demotion from Horoscope writing or putting together the obituaries. Since Reader's Digest has neither of these features, I'd have to guess she was probably demoted from a position as Michael Crowley's go-fer for his That's Outrageous column. Either that or they felt Word Power was too stressful for her.

Anyway, advice columns sicken me. The writers obviously adore being smarmy little know-it-alls, and the writing is frequently tepid or obnoxious (save the jokes about this blog for e-mail please.)

If Andy Kaufman were still alive, I would strongly suggest that the Reader's Digest replace this Laskas person with Andy, doing his old character from Taxi. The new name of the column: Ask Latka.


Dear Latka:

I'm having great difficulty reaching my new stepson. He is sullen and blames me for the breakup of his parents' marriage. Frequently, he won't speak to me, or walks out of the room when I enter. He's not a bad kid most of the time. What can I do to gain his respect?


Stepmom from Sacremento


Dear Stepmom,

Tank you very much for writing me and my best vishes to you and your family. I tink you are responsible for dis boy's broken family. How dare you try infiltrate...dis boy's life, brazen hussy. You should lick his boots in thanks for dee privelege of living in his home, rather dan being out on de streets where you obviously belong.

Tank you very much,


That would be much better.

However, since Mr. Kaufman is no longer with us (He's living in a tent in Kathmandu), I have no effective weapon with which to fight such drivel except that of the pen, or keyboard in this case.

So, just to see what kind of response I might get, and if possible, to needle this silly columnist, I've sent the following letter to Ask Laskas. The address is, just in case you'd like to join the act.


Dear Laskas,

Due to a tragic freak accident my mother suffered at an archery range, I was born with an arrow through my head. I grew up the butt of jokes from cruel schoolmates and unsympathetic family. Lines like, "Arrow-head!" and "You're lucky she wasn't into hatchet throwing, boy," still sting.

I was unable to get dates in high school or college, because girls thought the arrow made my head look like the handlebars of a tricycle.

Worst of all, I am constantly unable to buy hats. In fact, the only hat I have ever been able to wear is a Little League batting helmet, but only because of the holes by the ears.

Just recently I was fired from my latest job, as a waiter, because the arrow kept poking customers in the forehead while I took their orders.

Doctors tell me that I could have surgery to remove the arrow, but that it could result in severe brain damage from the feather, when they pull it through my brain. My only alternative though is to live like a freak, to look like Steve Martin doing the arrow-through-the-head-bit, only without the semi-curcular bar that actually keeps the arrow outside your skull.

What should I do Laskas? Tell me!!


Brokenhearted Bullseye
Co-Editor and Contributor
The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas

Responses to this letter are considered consent to publish said responses on The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas.

Drive, Just Drive &%$*# You!

The U.S. state of Connecticut recently passed a law stating that, while driving, you could be fined $100 for not only talking on your cell phone, but also eating, putting on makeup, and other things that normal human beings do out of necessity in their harried lives, harried mainly because of all the other stupid regulations and unnecessary laws that simpletons appointed to state legislatures pass in order to look as though they're doing something besides chatting up people for campaign donations and eating free, expensive lunches paid for by lobbyists.

Thus I've developed a new tourist slogan for Connecticut: "Connecticut - Not for humans."

Meanwhile, the Reader's Digest responded to this new law by stating in their magazine "fine by us."

The happy-go-lucky, condensed-book publishing, expurgated idiots.

Now, let's get a couple of things straight. First, I normally like the Reader's Digest. Despite their penchant for publishing jokes that have been recycled for at least three human generations, and the odd stupid column (Yes, I was thinking of "Ask Laskas" when I wrote that), they generally publish interesting and occasionally uplifting stories, and manage to do so without make you feel like you've been dipped in treacle whist reading them. Normally, this is a fine publication.

Also, I completely recognize that there are some human beings who should not be allowed to use a cell phone whilst driving. These are the people who you come upon on a busy motorway, swerving like drunks on an ice rink. You think to yourself, "It's 7:30 a.m., they can't be drunk for at least another 2 hours yet," only to pass them and see the smiling stupor upon their face as they absentmindedly chatter away on a hand-held cellphone, completely oblivious that they've just run a petrol truck off the road. This smiling stupor is only broken by the occasional cackle, when the person on the other end of the connection makes a flatulence-related joke.

So, I understand where some of the frustration is coming from. What the people in the Connecticut legislature fail to realize is that these people would be like this if the cell phone had never been invented. They'd simply smile blankly at their rear-view mirror and tell jokes with the word "pooter" in them, to themselves.

There are simply times when people need to eat a bite of food or drink a bottle of water or put a spot of makeup on in the car on the way to work or elsewhere. Surely, they won't begrudge the peckish, thirsty, female, or transvestite these fundmental rights?

So of course I had to write them:


Dear Reader's Digestives,

I noticed your RD Index for the month of December 2005, where you praised the state of Connecticut for passing a law punishing motorists who used a cell phone, ate, put makeup on, or did other things whilst driving a car that normal human beings do.

I myself am currently typing this on a laptop computer (with a wireless mouse) from behind the wheel of my giant Humvee, while doing 85 miles an hour on a busy freeway, and also carefully devouring my super-sized Double Quarter-Pounder with Cheese with the large Coke and fries and a delicious fried apple pie. You people probably thought that couldn't be done! Ha! Ha-Hah!! Ha-ha-hah!!! So there!!!

Rather than engage in busybody micromanging, Connecticut lawmakers should focus on issues important to their state, such as rural poverty, crime, and how to stop people from confusing them with New Hampshire.

Yours Erratically,

Earl Fando
Co-Editor and Contributor
The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas

P.S. Please accept my submission for December's Finish This Joke contest: "Tinky Winky in formal attire"

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Ruining the Tourist Trade for Everyone

It occurs to me that many people in New Jersey would find yesterday's posts a bit offensive. In fact, they might actually take up pitchforks and torches (real ones, not flashlights) and attack us en masse, which is one of the reasons we guard our privacy very carefully (although Stew lives in Trump Tower in the penthouse, if anyone's interested.)

So, in the interest of fairness, and because frankly, we were running out of New Jersey jokes (New Jersey is for mobsters!) I decided to come up with some slogans for all 50 of the United States as well as several nations and regions that are dear to many. In this way, everyone is upset, but hopefully too busy laughing at the moniker we gave their neighbor. I expect Stew will chime in with more shortly.

Earl Fando's Recommended Tourist Slogans for States, Nations, and Other Principalities
US States:
Alabama - We're not prejudiced. We hate everybody not like us.
Alaska - Winter mountains and summer mosquitos
Arizona - Dry heat! Dry heaves!
Arkansas - Land of a thousand ladies who've dated Bill Clinton.
California - Visit or be terminated!
Colorado - Cold, mountainous, and forbidding, just like Jennifer Lopez!
Connecticut - New York's suburb!
Delaware - The greatest little state you've never heard of!
Florida - Anatomically correct!
Georgia - Check out these peanuts!
Hawaii - Check out these coconuts!!!
Idaho - Potato discounts for militia members!
Illinois - Ditka rules!! Seriously, we made him king, yesterday!
Indiana - If not for basketball and racing, we'd starve.
Iowa - Come and catch a greased pig!
Kansas - Flat as a pancake!
Kentucky - Re-ve-noo-ers not welcome!
Louisiana - Closed for business.
Maine - Well, at least we've got lobsters!
Maryland - Home of the Washington Redskins.
Massachusetts - Come and pet the wild Kennedys!
Michigan - Bring a coat!!
Minnesota - Come jump in a lake!
Mississippi - White hoods optional!
Missouri - You show us yours and we'll show you ours!
Montana - Come on in, there's plenty of room!
Nebraska - Come back later...we're sure we'll think of something!
Nevada - Gambling, alcohol, and hookers! Families welcome!
New Hampshire - Your getaway from Vermont!
New Jersey - The other end of the Lincoln Tunnel!
New Mexico - How do you spell Mexico in English?
New York - The Big Apple and little else!
North Carolina - Breathe in the fresh nicotine!
North Dakota - It's friggin' cold up here!
Ohio - A whole lot of nothin'!
Oklahoma - Think of us on your way to New Mexico!
Oregon - Come and get wet with us!
Pennsylvania - If Rocky Balboa were real, you could come and meet him here!
Rhode Island - Wave as you drive by!
South Carolina - If not for golf, would you even care?
South Dakota - If not for Mount Rushmore, we'd be really boring!
Tennessee - Elvis slept here!
Texas - Let us put our brand on you!
Utah - Marry early! Marry often!!
Vermont - Idiosyncratic radicals welcome!!
Virginia - Named after a virgin!
Washington - Owned and operated by Microsoft!
West Virginia is for lovers, who happen to be cousins!
Wisconsin - Discounts for the lactose intolerant!
Wyoming is for loners!

Argentina - Come and meet a Nazi fugitive today!!
Australia - Dangerous wildlife, dangerous people!
Brazil - Come get your freak on!
Canada - Like the United States, only colder!
China - A billion people can't be wrong, even if they aren't allowed to leave!
Cuba - All the cigars and oppression you can ask for!
Denmark - Come and see The Little Mermaid (wink, wink)!
Dijbouti - We got booty in our name AND in our country!
England - Sausage anyone?
Egypt - Our pyramids are bigger than anyone else's!
France - Invade us today!!!
Germany - No longer run by Nazis and Communists!
India - Can we curry favor from you to come and visit?
Iran - You haven't lived until you've been kidnapped by us!!! (Special promotion via Embassy Suites)
Ireland - There's plenty o' Guinness to go round!
Isle of Man - We have a woman too!
Islington - A maze of flats to lose yourself in!
Italy - More than pasta and the mafia!!!
Japan - Some of your food will be cooked.
Kazakstan - Come and visit us Ali G, so we can beat on you, while intoxicated!
Libya - Gadaffi your behinds and come and visit us!
Lichtenstein - We can't even find us on a map!
London - If it's good enough for Queen Elizabeth II, it'll be good enough for you!
New Zealand - Not, we repeat, NOT Australia!
Nigeria - Come scam with us!
North Korea - By sociopaths, for sociopaths...and remember, we're nuclear!
Norway - A trip you can afjord!
Paris - Live the contempt!
Portugal - Size doesn't matter, you Spanish bastards!
Quebec - Like France, only tougher!!
Russia - There's plenty of vodka to keep you warm, Tovarisch!
Saudi Arabia - Beheadings every weekend!
Scotland - Look up a kilt, today!
Somalia - We've got a warlord for you!
Spain - Making Portugal feel puny!
Sudan - If brutality and human rights violations are your thing, we've got a vacation for you!
Surrey - Come and see what London would look like without all the interesting stuff!
Sweden - Hey, no jokes about the meatballs!
Switzerland - Anonymous banking privileges available!
Syria - Visit all the hot Baaths!
Tahiti - Sometimes we're not fully dressed!
Venezuela - More and more like Cuba everyday!
Wales - We'd leek you to visit!!

I give this date two thumbs down.

Apparently, somtime in the 1980's Roger Ebert took Oprah on a date of burgers, fries, and a movie. I think by reading the article we can determine that Roger is not the smoothest with the ladies. Instead of whispering sweet nothings in her ear he decided it was best to talk about syndication.

November 15, 2005

By theINSIDER's Marc S. Malkin

OPRAH WINFREY and ROGER EBERT's date revealed! During Ms. O's 20th anniversary special this week, she recalled going on a date with Ebert in the '80s. It was during their one-date-long relationship when Ebert advised Winfrey to jumpstart her media empire by going into syndication. How did the date go and what did the movie critic do to convince her that syndication was the way to go? Ebert e-mailed me the following:

We went to the movies and Hamburger Hamlet. She was trying to choose between King World syndication and the ABC owned and operated stations. I got out a napkin and did the following calculations.

1. What I make a year in syndication.

2. Times two, because Gene [Siskel] makes the same.
3. Times two, because she's an hour, not a half hour.
4. Times five, because she's daily.
5. Times two, because she'd get at least twice the rating.

I finished the math and showed her the napkin. She decided on syndication. What actually happened probably worked out to 6. Times 20.


Roger, you romantic fool!!!!!!!!!!

Well, the rest is history and now we have to put up with the likes of Tom Cruise jumping on her couches and copious tears shed by the various glitterati that grace those couches. Thanks a lot, Roger.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Land of a Thousand Cesspools?

I'm going to take Stew up on his challenge and offer a few suggestions of my own. (Not the title of the post - For those New Jerseyites who were offended by that, especially gun-wielding New Jerseyites with membership in Italian social organizations not the Knights of Colombus - it was merely a joke. Promise!)

Even More New Tourism Slogans for N.J.

10. New Jersey - Not your mother's state!

9. New Jersey - Land filled with landfills!

8. New Jersey - Mind the dead cats.

7. New Jersey - Joey Buttafuco doesn't live here!

6. New Jersey - So proud, we named the state university "Rutgers"!

5. New Jersey - Gateway to Delaware!

4. New Jersey - The glow in the dark state!

3. New Jersey - Pavement to the Atlantic Ocean!

2. New Jersey - The other 49 states can go to hell!

1. New Jersey - We got Hoffa... somewhere!

Smell the clean it quickly. Welcome to New Jersey.

New Jersey is looking for a new a new tourism slogan because Governor Codey does not like the current slogan: "New Jersey: Eh!". I'm sorry that was mean of me, the actual slogan is "New Jersey, We'll win you over." As a quick aside, sometimes I just love getting up in the morning and hearing something like this on the radio. Now, since I love the Soprano's so much, although I've never seen it, I feel duty bound to help out Mr. Codey and the people of the great state of New Jersey, or Joysey as we know and love it. My fellow DOUI comrades can feel free to jump in and give it a go because, hey, this could be fun.

Top Ten New Tourism Slogans for N.J.

10. New Jersey: "The air only stings 3 days a week now!"

9. New Jersey: "New York's Dangler!!!"

8. New Jersey: "Hey!!! Free flu shots!!!"

7. New Jersey: "The chemical burns are worth it."

6. New Jersey: "(Don't) Fugitaboutit!!!!"

5. New Jersey: "Come for the smell, stay for the free masks."

4. New Jersey: "Give us friggin' break."

3. New Jersey: "Gateway to mediocrity."

2. New Jersey: "The indictments are still pending."

1. New Jersey: "You gotta admit it, the stench isn't too bad."

Monday, November 14, 2005

Q, Fetch the Aston Martin, please!

James Bond's car is up for sale.

I'd buy it myself except for the fact that the .30 caliber Browning machine guns are just props. I mean, what's the point?

Still, I know a few people I'd love to show the ejection seat.

The most serious danger, of course, is that someone with teenaged kids will purchase it.


Teenager: Dad, can I take the Aston Martin down to the grocery to buy some crisps and Coca-Cola (product placement, you know)? I promise not to deploy the tire slasher again!

Dad: Oh, all right...but if I hear you've been spraying the streets with oil or smoking up the expressway, I'll have belt to your hide, lad! (Thinking to himself) I better not tell him I had the Brownings made fully operational and loaded. He's liable to head right down to the park to impress his girlfriend by shooting at the pidgeons.


If I were Sean Connery, I'd run right out to the auction and purchase the thing. The man should be buried in it, when he passes away.

I just have the sinking feeling I'm going to be walking the streets one day and it'll drive by with someone like Bob Saget or David Crosby behind the wheel. That would be wrong in so many ways.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Thank You Cameron Diaz!!!!!!!!!

I was just reviewing our tracking and it seems that one of the chief links for people bringing us here are any references we make regarding Cameron Diaz. I'd like to personally thank Ms. Diaz for driving our hit count up and encourage her to write us, so as to increase our volume tenfold.

Also, please allow me to do one more thing in recognition of this:

Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz, Cameron Diaz,

I was going to add the word "naked" but we don't want to get greedy, and besides, that will just bring a lot of visitors for whom the last thing they are interested in is comedy.

Oops, I did use the word after all. Silly me.