You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Saturday, December 31, 2005

What a year...

...1945, I mean. 2005 was interesting also, but not quite as momentous due to the conspicuous abscence of thousands of defeated Nazis and Japanese fascists.
Of course today, the Germans, and Japanese have rejected fascism for electronics, motor vehicle production, and strange imitations of American and British rock and roll...but I digress.

Today, I'd like to just briefly review the highlights and lowlights of 2005. Most news media outlets will cover the "traditonally" big stories: the hurricanes, a change at the Vatican, Iraq, Tom Delay's ongoing and monumental legal expenses, Howard Dean's latest personal meltdown, Ken Livingstone's impersonation of a wombat, etc. I'd just like to address some of the more interesting and, for us, compelling events. First the most annoying and then the most peculiar (So, two lists for those who are counting at home.):

The 10 Most Annoying Things of 2005
(as compiled by Earl Fando)

10. Fox Soccer Channel. Now actually, 99% of the time, I love this channel. It's almost all footy, all the time, with the exception of the occasional bit of rugby, Aussie Rules, and cricket, all of which I enjoy to varying levels. However, FSC has the incredibly annoying habit of running the football (soccer) scores on their programming for tape delay games they are about to broadcast. ("And in Premier league action, Arsenal beat Middlesbrough 4-1. Next on Fox Soccer Channel...Arsenal versus Middlesbrough! That should be an very unpredictable match!")

Idiots. Morons. Gormless Twits. Stop it, or by the power invested in me as a Gooner supporter for life I will sentence you to be locked in a closet with Jose Mourinho while he tells his life story, including the parts about how Arsene Wenger and Sir Alex Ferguson are having him followed by Scotland Yard.

9. Ben Affleck, for making my second list twice. (See below.)

8. Multiple New Year's Eve programs. Dick Clark, Regis Philbin, some bloke on one of the other networks. It's all so confusing. The musical acts are, with the notable exception of Mariah Carey's this year, always taped from weeks ago, meaning the spectacle of dozens of Hollywood "background artists" (known to those with real jobs as "extras") really is as contrived and blotto as it looks. How else can you get worked up over New Year's in October?

Enough. Simulcast one big, live party, just like the American Presidential Debates, only with music and sport. Hire Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, Brad Pitt, and Halle Berry to cover the thing.

7. Discovery Channel programmes about potential natural disasters. There was one on tonight about a potential tsunami on the western American coast. The announcer gravely intoned that such a disaster might not happen for millions of years, or...tomorrow! All that was missing was the jarring chord of menace, like when Blofeld made some announcement to Bond about blowing up the world or shooting off "007 and a half", if you catch my drift.

Another part of the particular programme I watched consisted of a rather befuddled looking scientist complaining about an evacuation sign placement. It was obvious she'd rather be talking about things like undersea land mass displacement or wave amplitude. Instead, she was muttering about a road sign as though she'd just discovered the Rosetta Stone. Fine, get the sign moved. Just don't go on about it for a bloody fortnight.

The silliest thing about these kinds of programmes and some of the "science" behind them, is the reliance on computer models. Even the most unserious scientific researcher must understand that computer models are subject to biases of all kinds. This is why, until recently, they were more commonly found in places like sports betting offices, rather than climatology research laboratories. A computer model can predict that anything will happen, if you skew the programming enough. For the show it was a magnitude 9 on the richter scale that lasts for over five minutes up and down the entire western coast of the United States and Canada. While certainly possible, that's only slightly more probable at any given moment than the model I would suggest, which involves a giant lizard boring a hole through the continental shelf with his schnozz.

6. The Friends of the National Zoo (U.S.). They still haven't answered my e-mail, and they deserve as much ridiculd as possible for hanging on to an acronym (FONZ) almost older than Lindsay Lohan and Hillary Duff combined.

5. Oprah can't get in. Oprah Winfrey couldn't get into a shop. She threw a somewhat public tantrum. Ten words of advice: "We all love you Oprah, but they were closed, dammit." Who do you think you are, J-Lo?

4. The Sonic fast food boys. Not funny. Annoying. If annoying sells then they are the most successful ad ever produced on the face of the earth (With the exception of Number 2 on the list below.) Perhaps I'm not the one to judge by, just because I avoid Sonic by miles for fear I'll actually meet these blokes in person and fall over dead from seizures of boredom. Years from now, they'll be doing their "Sonic" routine in the Catskills, killing elderly people by the gross.

3. Tom Cruise. It's not just the Scientology money-grubbing and weirdness, or knocking-up Katie Holmes and marrying her, after reportedly having her fifth on a list of women you'd consider, or bouncing on a couch like a maniac (I sometimes wonder if Katie dances on a couch at home shouting, "I'm number five!"), or blathering on about psychiatry when it's clear to the average person that psychiatry would do the lad a world of good. No, it's all of the above. Good actor. Strange and annoying person.

2. Bob. Bob is the blinkered, endlessly smiling idiot in the commercials for "male enhancement". Let's be bluntly honest here. The type of person who thinks you can grow your dangler a few inches by ingesting herb-based pills delivered through mail order is exactly the sort of person the Nigerian e-mail scammers are looking for: greedy, unrealistic, and possessing stupidity of historic proportions. Like Nazis for example. ("So, Mein vant to invade Russia? OK, ve give it a shot. By ze ist de ole' zausage lengzening medicine coming along?") I'm not saying Bob is a Nazi, merely that Bob is clearly as stupid as a Nazi.

1. Terrorists. Speaking of being as stupid as Nazis...we had to have one serious thing in here. Terrorists are wankers, only with weapons and explosives. They deserve much more than ridicule, but that's all we can do from here. Thankfully, serious people are on the job.

The 10 Most Peculiar Events of 2005
(as compiled by Earl Fando)

10. Ben Affleck finally marries a celebrity named Jennifer. He got the better of the two if you ask me. Marginally perhaps, but Garner's action-hero, sex-kitten act seems frightfully sane compared to Lopez's egocentric, Cleopatra, servants shall not look me in the eye, megalomaniac diva act. So maybe Ben's moving up in the world? Or is Jen G. moving down?

9. Madonna gets down with Kabbalah. There's nothing so strange as watching ex-Catholic pop singers named after the Virgin Mary getting heavily into suspect Jewish mysticism. Somewhere Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, who is as looney as a summer badger, is thinking to himself, "That Madonna, she is a strange one, she is. She was such a nice sensible girl too, doing the like a virgin dancing and marrying the wacky Sean Penn." (All right, it's much funnier if you imagine Peter Sellers doing the voice.) "Madonna the yidish yente," does have a strange sound to it.

8. Martha Stewart: ex-con. Honestly, didn't you all think that Donald Trump would wind up in jail before her? From doilies to the work gang. Who knew? Remember the magic word is "Risotto".

7. Charles. Camilla. I think most honest and decent people hope that they are truly happy, have wonderful lives...and are satisfied that they can never, ever reproduce. (Erm...I apologise for that remark in advance, if Charles is ever king, and that OBE ever comes through.)

6. Nicholas Cage names his child Kal-El. Mrs. Cage really needs to take charge of this family. I fear it will all come to ruin someday when young master Cage attempts to stop a giant meteorite with his bare hands. They should have named him Luke Cage and bought him a big yellow shirt instead. The main lesson though should be, don't name your children while paralytic on grain alcohol.

5. Did you say, "Diddy"? That's his latest name. Rumour has it that his next name will just be "Did", as in "I did have a career before I went crazy obsessive about my stage name and they threw me in Bellevue."

4. Prince Harry dresses as a Nazi. I'm sure the millions of British whose homes, hearth, and heads were the targets of Goering's Luftwaffe thought it was hilarious. When Cleese, Palin, Chapman, Idle, and the two Terrys do it, it is, because they're making fun of them. When Prince Harry did it, people weren't sure if he was having a joke at the Nazi's expense or tapping into the darker fringes of his old Saxe-Coburg bloodlines. We all suspect of course that what he was tapping into was the deep stock of 20 year old Glenfiddich in Windsor Castle.

3. Ben Affleck's practical jokes. Reportedly, they involve his personal, ahem...items, and other people's necks. Why this man hasn't been institutionalized is beyond me. Ben Affleck makes this list twice...impressive, as far as nutters go, no pun intended.

2. Beyonce storms the Oscars. She was everywhere. It was like "The Beyonce Show...also starring the Academy Awards". Someone please hire her for a film in Australia (or better yet, Mars) next February. A bit part, a walk-on, anything. At this rate she'll be hosting the bloody thing in a year or two. I'm sure she's nice but too much of a good thing, eh? As Will Smith might say, "I know you want to be on the show but...Daaaammn."

1. The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas begins. With names like Earl, Stew, Juan Carlos (No offense to the reigning King of Spain), and Zimpter, we know we're peculiar and we mention it to remind you that no matter where you get mentioned in here, should you get mentioned, it's all meant in fun and love...mostly. Be sure to tell your lawyers, dears. Happy New Year.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Christmas travelling is over...

...and about time too. I'm fairly tired of not having regular Internet access. My huge fear was that something really ridiculous was going to come along and I'd be stuck at a relative's home or a hotel room, unable to quickly comment on it.

So, a little housekeeping is order and this includes a request from our faithful fans (all 3 of you) and my fellow DOUI bloggers, two of whom have not been seen in months (You know who you are Juan Carlos and Zimpter.)

  • First, in honour of the upcoming first anniversary of DOUI, I'm going to put up a post linking to our best from the past year. So, if you have a favourite DOUI post or two or 12, please e-mail me at and let me know what they are. Please include the link, so I don't have to dig it up myself. Stew and the others (if you are listening), send me your favourites as well and I'll get the post up in the next week or so. I will add a permanent link to this "Best of" post on the sidebar in a prominent location as well, so you can easily find it.
  • Second, the 2006 Bloggies are coming soon. The website won't be up until January 1st or so, so you'll hear more then. This is your chance to nominate us for a real blogging award. FYI - We request that you nominate us for Best Humour Blog or, if you submit more than one category nomination for us, Best New Blog. We haven't a prayer of Blog of the Year. We just want to be noticed. The love and adoration of you, our dedicated fans will carry us through these lean years prior to the beginning of our world blog domination.
  • Third, I just realized this particular post was rather dry, so I'd like to quickly add that Tom Cruise is a publicity whore. And a complete nutter. And shorter than all the DOUI posters except for Zimpter, who Stew cannot see without magnification. Not a bad actor though, we give him that, despite Mission Impossible 2 and Endless Love.
  • Fourth, I suppose we'll do some other "End of Year" stuff around here as well. It's really pointless you know. Nuttiest celebrities, strangest news stories, most peculiar seafowl of 2005, that sort of thing.
  • Fifth, just in case I forget... Happy New Year! My apologies if that offends those of you who are Chinese, Jewish, Islamic, or Martian, as your New Year's celebrations come at different times (and in the latter case, not nearly as often...please don't disentegrate me for noticing that.) Remember to not drink and drive, and please try not to blow yourselves up with fireworks. Those of you visiting Times Square in New York City, please give Regis and Dick Clark my warmest greetings. Let me amend that slightly, lest you warmest platonic greetings. The last thing I want is someone running up and French-kissing Regis and claiming it was from me. That will keep me off Live with Regis and Kelly Lee for good.
  • Sixth...there is NO sixth point! Old joke I know, but it's late and I must dash.

A free sirloin with every iPod

Listening to Meatloaf on her new iPod, what's wrong with that? Apparently that's what a little girl was doing according to an article I found on the net. Let me read a little more... oh sorry, she found meat in her iPod box. I was afraid of this. I told Jobs it was a bad idea, if only he'd have listened to me. (start wavy line memory sequence with me talking to Steve Jobs in the restroom at the Orlando Sheraton. I'm the one trying to get the taco sauce out of my shirt with restroom soap and water, oh here comes the date.)

April 21, 1999

Stew: Hey, aren't you Steve Jobs?

SJ: No, I don't know what you're talking about.

Stew: Oh, come on play along for us.

SJ: Ok, I'm Steve Jobs, are you happy now?

Stew: Yes, but what are you doing at the Orlando Sheraton?

SJ: Don't ask.

Stew: Right. So, what have you guys got going on over there at Apple? I bet you regret that whole Mac deal now, huh?

SJ: Well, we're actually developing a lot of different technologies. I think the most promising right now is going to be a nano sized portable media player that can hold a thousand songs.

Stew: (skeptical) Yeah, right. I think people are tired of walkmen, McGuyver. It sounds like a bad idea to me.

SJ: You don't think it will sell?

Stew: Well, not unless you can think of a marvelous marketing tool and get some street talk going on it early.

SJ: What do you think we should do?

Stew: Brainstorm man, isn't that what you people do best? Let's see, you could put a coupon for a free memory upgrade inside the box. Get U2 to do some advertising for it.

SJ: (lightbulb coming on) Free meat with every purchase.

Stew: That's the best you could do?

SJ: Sorry, I'm better at technology things, selling ain't my bag.

Stew: Well, drop the meat idea, you'd never be able to keep it market fresh.

It was just after this that I heard a rumor that Jobs had purchased a warehouse of beef from an old English meat operation that had been put out of business during the mad cow scare. I just wish it hadn't come to this.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

I like this girl's name, it makes me hungry!!!!

Let's hope young Miss Asada does well in whatever Olympics she ends up getting into. I wonder if she has a sister named Carne?

"Time to make the doughnuts" guy, RIP

Sorry to get back into the blogging thing so slowly but with having to return all of those undesirable gifts that Earl was talking about I haven't been able to do it (anybody need a XXXL flannel poodle skirt with matching g-string?) . I did hear this morning that Michael Vale, better known to some of us older folks as the "Time to make the doughnuts" guy, passed away the other day. As noted in the article he died of complications from diabetes. Let's just leave it at that. So in order to cheer us up I wanted to bring you the top 10 rejected slogans for Dunkin' Donuts.

10. "Time to get baked!"

9. "Kill me now Edna before I'm forever known as the "Time to make the doughnuts" guy."

8. "I've got frosting in my pants."

7. "Time to take another five years off your lives."

6. "The Atkins diet is for girley men."

5. "Is that a Long John in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

4. "Mmmmm Doughnuts!!" (sorry, F. Johnny Lee said we have to say this: Mmmmmm _____!! is a registered trademark of Matt Groening and The Simpsons Co. Inc. There, now they can't sue our asses.)

3. "Time to...oh the hell with it, let's just go down to Krispy Kremes."

2. "Clogging arteries since 1950."

1. "Time to make up another lame slogan."

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Wow that jumper will go perfectly with my phlegm!

As I sit here, wearing the brand new Highbury memorial Arsenal jersey, with my name and favourite number on the back that my lovely wife got me for Christmas (it even has the Barclays Premier League sleeve patch...meaning I could pass for an Arsenal player, if I lose 20 pounds, dye my grey hair, change my surname to Bergkamp, and keep half my face covered so knowledgeable people don't spot the difference)...I realize I am in no position to complain about odd or unfortunate Christmas gifts. Nonetheless, as a service to our 4 to 6 readers who are in such a position, allow me to offer some helpful advice on what to do with these gifts on future Christmases.

Earl Fando's Practical Advice on What to Do When Receiving a Really Awful Christmas Gift.

1. Stay positive - It is Christmas, and one must remember the spirit in which the gift is given, even if it clearly was the result of someone rushing out at the last minute to get you something, because they suddenly remembered that you were a close relative. So, be thankful and creative in your response to even the most atrocious gift. In other words, lie. Some examples:

- Gee, Aunt Myrtle, how did you know a was a devoted fan of barbershop quartet disco music? I can't wait to track down an old 8-track and jam to this amazing compilation!
- Wow, Uncle Tom! These "Hobo" brand trainers are even better than the Nike ones all your kids are wearing! You must love me even more than them!!
- Great-grandmother Loonie-Mae, I can't tell you just how often I'll wear this new Speedo bathing-suit. No, I'm sure I can still squeeze into a junior size!

2. Think of creative uses for the gift - Just because someone sent you a gift with a particular use in mind doesn't mean you have to actually use the gift in that way, especially if that person lives thousands of miles away and has vowed never to visit you in person. Some possibilities:

- Convert a garish pair of trousers into a handy oil rag. If it accidentally catches on fire, so much the better!
- Use that awful abstract expressionist painting as a floor mat in the garage. Or burn it and use the oil paint fumes to kill localized bug infestations.
- The enormous photo of your hideous Great Aunt Immogene will make a terrific mask for your scarecrow! (Farmers only - Non-farmers should just burn the thing.)
- An ugly coffee table is a great way to heat up a fireplace.

3. Regift - Your cheapskate co-worker doesn't know your vulgar second cousin in they can't care if you send the ridiculous ham sandwich shaped table lamp they gave you overseas forever.

Remember to only regift to people who have no possible connection and especially to people who are not likely to regift the gift to people who might regift that gift to you, or you'll have to regift the gift to someone other than the regiftee you originally regifted to, or worse, might inadvertently regift the gift to the person who originally sent the gift to you in the first place, which is a rather large faux pas.

I'll have to end the post there, as that last one has made my head swim.