You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

Poetry with a TANG!

I had no idea the Chinese loved TANG so much! Apparently they've written over 300 poems celebrating the sweet and sour orange goodness that is the powdered ambrosia of America's Super-Spacemen. I guess, since they're getting into the space business, they've decided to go all out.

My Mandarin is extremely rusty, but I've managed to translate one of the poems:

Here, south of the Yangzi, grows red orange TANG.
All winter long its powder is green,
Not because of a delay in countdown,
But because the astronauts wanted to try a lime flavor.
Though you might serve it to your honourable guests,
You leave it here, far below rocket and launch pad.
And because it blisters the tongue.
Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong are in an infinite cycle of pain.
They forgot to mix it with water and ate it like candy,
The roofs of their mouths are like a painful orange ceiling.

Cut rate TANG prices for Fossett

I've heard he can pick up some TANG here. The page is mostly in German, so I wasn't sure about order forms or whether it comes in powedered or liquid form. Also, I have no idea what "Pootie" flavor is. At least Chris Rock seems to have a backup business, in case his Oscar hosting stint destroys his career.

Man, is it a slow weekend.

Has Success gone to Hillary's Head?

I realize she's won two Oscars, but her Oscar for a bikini? Is swimwear in such short-supply in Puerto Vallarta that she feels the need to cash in so cheaply? Was the bikini gold plated and diamond-studded? Did it have platinum ingots sewn into the brassiere? Chad, talk some sense into your wife! Don't make us all wish she had hooked up with your brother Rob!

(With apologies to Ms. Emily Lettela)

Friday, March 04, 2005

He doesn't stand a snowball's chance...

Fossett's relying on Gatorade to get him to the sun?

The daft, reckless fool! Doesn't he realise that Tang is the only acceptable drink for astronauts? Anything different from that will cause your eyeballs to explode in the vacuum of space, and then how will he steer?


Comes this press release:

Attn: All Media Outlets

April 27, 2021

After his highly successful landing on the asteroid 433 Eros last month intrepid billionaire Steve Fossett has now confirmed his next expedition will be a landing on the Sun. The 76 year old explorer feels this is one of the last great horizons to tackle. "After my failed trip to the center of the Earth in 2014 I have felt that the Sun landing is the way to go". Virgin Atlantic Polygram MCA Sony founder and confidant Sir Richard Branson stated, "Well we've been a little worried about him in the last few years, but by jove if he wants to try it, who's going to stop him."

Fossett has again hired design expert Burt Rutan's cryogenically frozen brain to design the craft which will take him to the center of the solar system. The craft's full design is still a secret but will be heavily shielded by nano-lead and a vast, potentially two miles thick, coating of wax. "We want him to have a layer that he can shed en-route to reduce weight as he closes in on the sun," Rutan's brain explained, "the thickness of the wax should accomplish this." Fossett himself will wear of suit of 12,000,000 degree rated Nomex which should keep him at a comfortable 72 degrees until he reaches the Corona of the Sun. The suit is fitted with a Puron refrigerant device that will kick in at temperatures over 8,000,000 degrees keeping the temperature in the suit at a toasty 110 degrees.

Asked why the Sun, Fossett commented, "why the New World, why Everest, why the moon, why are my pants so wet. I want to do this because, well, I can't really think of anything else. Been to Mars, took a sub into the Mariana Trench, went in a barrel over Niagra Falls, and disregarded the gap in the London tube. What else is there to do?" Asked whether he is concerned that many see it as suicide, Fossett was unconcerned, "They also said David Blaine was crazy to try and walk a tightrope across the Grand Canyon", regarding the tragic failed stunt by the street magician to make the crossing last year, "well maybe he was, but he got great press for weeks after that." Fossett will be making the attempt while only taking ten bottles of Gatorade and a months supply of Mars bars.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Unexplained Giant Lobster Deaths

Stew, I can tell you're pretty broken up by Bubba's passing, but at least his life will not have been in vain. I hear that at his wake they'll be serving him, with butter and a nice chablis.

If you can see past your grief for a moment, I noticed, at the bottom of the article you linked to, the suspicious string of large lobster deaths in this country. At first I thought we might have the makings of some sort of crustacean serial killer, but I've investigated and decided that most of the deaths are explainable. The middle school kids accidentally killed their lobster during an impromptu game of dodge ball. The New England Aquarium death was a bit more suspicious, with the temperature increase and the salt reduction, until I found out that lobster shared a tank with an eldery squid who always complained about the tank being "too cold" and "having too much salt in my diet". That squid has since been sent to a nursing home for incorrigible invertabrates.

The one that troubled me most though was the lobster that perished in Detroit. The article described that death as follows:

In 1990, a 17 1/2-pound lobster named Mimi died just days after being flown to a restaurant in Detroit.

I did some research and found that the Detroit cops have a suspected perp. Police are currently seeking this man for questioning in that death.

Bubba the Lobster R.I.P.

Words cannot begin to express the sadness we feel here at DOUI today. Our beloved friend Bubba the Lobster has shuffled off this mortal coil (or shell in his case). It seems like only yesterday that we met and now he is gone. Bob Wholey, philosopher and fishmonger, said of his untimely demise, "They're very finicky. It could have been a change in the water. You have no idea." I think that says everything.

Bubba, you live in our hearts, you now sleep with the fishes.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

31 Flavors You Won't See for Yahoo's Birthday

As part of the massive Yahoo! birthday celebrations, Yahoo! gave away coupons for a free scoop of ice cream at Baskin-Robbins, home of the 31 flavors.

Here's 31 you'll never see at Baskin-Robbins:

1. Cherry Ripple in a Bottle
2. Gold Medal Gibbon
3. Creme Brut
4. Horny Toad
5. Daschlelicious
6. Veal
7. Vanilla Ice
8. Dumpster Surprise
9. Tehran Cheesecake
10.Chris Rocky Road
11. Cookies and Bream
12. Jar-Jar Binks
13. Tongue
14. Rocky Roadkill
15. Very Berry Beyonce
16. Macadamia Nutbag
17. Botulism Brownie
18. Cat on a Hot Tin Roof Sundae
19. Mint Chocolate Charo
20. Lemon Custer
21. Sasquatch
22. Regis Philbin's Inner Thigh
23. French Gorilla
24. Head Cheese Royale
25. Lincoln Logs
26. Weasel
27. Gingrichilicious
28. Mad About Asparagus
29. Sunburn
30. Cigarette Butt-er Pecan
31. Rocky 'Roids

Yahoo! Turns 10

Today Yahoo! turned officially 10 years old.

This means that there are only 3 more years before the dreaded teen years. Soon Yahoo! will be going out with boys (That kid from down the street's got the Google eyes for her) wanting to drive fast cars, pierce her banner and disclaimer, and challenge authority just for the sake of individuality. If the parents aren't careful little Yahoo! eventually will become disfunctional and start experimenting with sex and drugs or get into porn.

Hmmm...based on the average search response most people recieve from Yahoo! She was born a completely disfunctional teen.

Maybe she's growing in dog years?

There once was a lobster from Nantucket...

Stew, the story of Bob Wholey is an inspiring one, especially to those of us who are tired of the miserable relativist bastards running philosophy today. For too long these existential, deconstructionalist, and nonfoundationalist bullies have run around saying the epistimelogical emperor has no clothes on as an excuse to go on their own naked, hemp-infested, hippy, free-love campouts and symposiums. No more! Bob Wholey has taken these blaggards by the soft bits and shaken hard until they've fallen off. As you'll see from the transcript below, an excerpt from the 1999 World Philosophy Conference and Fish Fry in Copenhagen, he's been doing his own thing for some time now.

From a panel discussion on the epistemological roots of ethics:

Mr. Rorty: Clearly we can not rely on an objective perspective for ethical norms. We need a conversation of cultures to bring together and respect all manner of societies and ethical standards.

Mr. Wholey: What kind of salmon have you been smoking Rorty? The world is as real as a basket of cherrystone clams you effette snob! Here's some objectivity for you!

At this point in the discussion Mr. Wholey struck Mr. Rorty across the brow with a large tuna.

From a debate on the communicability of literature:

Mr. Derrida: As I have often said, what one writes is often different from what is read by another. That person's personal experieince and cultural prejudices, particularly the western...

Mr. Wholey: I've had all the crap I can stand from you today Jacques! You whine like a helium-sucking dolphin about textual comprehension and the inability to really communicate through literature, and then you turn out more text than Steven King on an oyster high! How's this for me communiating my point you whelk eating simp?!?

At this point in the debate Mr. Wholey stabbed Mr. Derrida in the shoulder with a large swordfish.

Mr. Derrida: Oh, I am slain!

But he would linger on another 5 years.

Clearly, Wholey is on to something. Postmodernists doubt objective reality but objectively fear violence and large ocean fish. A stunning approach.

The Philosophy of a Seafood Wholesaler

Although his business is to sell seafood, Wholey says Bubba was never bound to be boiled and buttered. And he's become a little philosophical after seeing the lobster, which could be twice his 54 years.

"I don't think you could eat something that big. ... What range of emotions does a lobster have? Greed? Lust? Love? I'm just going to give him to the zoo and hope he lives another 100 years," Wholey said.

Little is known of Bob Wholey, seafood wholesaler, and even less in known of him as a philosopher. We intend to rectify the situation. Please take time to read some quotes from Bob’s new book Philosophy of a Seafood Wholesaler.

  • “The question becomes does the lobster participate in cognitive processes or is he just really tasty in butter. Descartes summed it up best when he said “I taste good in butter, therefore, I am a lobster” in his later work Discourse on Meth.”

    “Can a shrimp know the difference between good and evil when fried in a light, flaky tempura or must it be free of external forces to understand its actions?”

    “Is beauty truly in the eye of the beholder, and if so, why do people eat squid?”

    “The study of metaphysical philosophy and ontological thought can never in a million years explain the popularity of “Big Mouth Billy Bass”.”

    “Existentialism holds hope for its practitioners only this side of the grave. Jean-Paul Sartre had crabs... Sorry, I’m a seafood wholesaler, they can’t all be gems.”

Buy a copy today at Barnes & Noble, Borders, or a Red Lobster near you.

Lobsterfest in Brobdingnag

"It is overwhelming," owner Bob Wholey said. "If you see it, you will never forget it. Customers are just in awe."

Jonathan Swift, meet Bubba the Lobster. When I saw this story I knew immediately I had to get my claws into it. The tale of a 100 year old lobster that grows to three feet was a potboiler that piqued my interest. I caught the red-eye to Pittsburgh in hopes of getting an interview with this gargantuan crustacean. When I arrived at the fish market the owner, Mr. Wholey, at first looked askance at my request, but in time I was able to butter him up and get the interview with Bubba. I found Bubba a tough nut to crack, but was able to get him to open up finally.

Stew: Bubba, what is it like being a three foot long, 22 pound lobster in a world of smaller, tastier relatives?

Bubba: Well Stew, it sucks. I mean, it’s hard to find shells that fit and the other lobsters laugh at you and call you names.

Stew: What kind of names?

Bubba: Oh you know, like blobster, globster, Teddy, and waste of butter. They can be pretty tough on you sometimes.

Stew: How did you normally react to this?

Bubba: I usually pinched their heads off; I am a three foot long lobster you know.

Stew: Point well taken. Bubba, if you were a fish what kind of fish would you be?

Bubba: Well, I kind of am a fish. Not really a FISH, but close enough.

Stew: Humor me.

Bubba: Oh… a carp.

Stew: Bubba, being 100 years old you must have some very interesting stories. You lived through two World Wars, the Great Depression, 18 presidents, Prohibition, and you’re older than at least four states. Give us some insight on what you remember and what most amazed you about these times.

Bubba: Well, I was undersea most of the time. I don’t really remember anything about them. It was wet and dark, and I ate a whole lot.

Stew: Bubba, I see where you were caught in Nantucket is that correct, and if so what was life like there?

Bubba: I was caught there, why someone was using a XXXL lobster trap is beyond me, but Nantucket is a lovely area. Stay away from Hyannis though, swimming in those waters always made me bleary eyed and even hungrier than normal. I probably put on twelve pounds around there alone.

Stew: You want to build a fort. It will have a square base and pyramid-shaped top, which will be perpendicular to the base of the fort. One of the sides of the base will be 6 feet in length, the height of the fort will be 6 feet with the pyramid extending 3 feet beyond this. How much material will you need to cover the entire fort, including the floor? Please measure in square feet and round up to the nearest square foot.

Bubba: 231, nice try.

Stew: Bubba, why the name Bubba? Why not go the alliterative route of say “Larry the Lobster”?

Bubba: I’m a 22 pound lobster, it was the best they could do?

Stew: How’s the nightlife of a lobster? Best tail, Maine or Rock?

Bubba: Hey, I’m 100 years old here, I haven’t had working parts for the last fifty years?

Stew: Bubba, it was nice to talk to you I hope you enjoy your remaining time as a freak show lobster?

Bubba: Just throw me in a pot of boiling water, I’m beggin’ ya!!

I think Bubba came out of his shell for a while but life and the worries of a three foot long lobster don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. I left Bubba sitting there in the tank, soaking up his thoughts, and drowned my sorrows in a gin and tonic before boarding my flight home. Bubba, I’ll never forget you in the way a man can never forget a three foot, 22 pound lobster… and dare I say, a friend.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

What's the Frequency Kenneth? You never did say...

Dan "**** the Tennis Matches, It's Go Time" Rather will be officially put out to pasture this week. The pasture in question is 60 Minutes 2, where he and Andy Rooney will compete in a battle to the death to see who can be the most annoying television personality after Joel Siegel.

This blog aims to be as non-partisan as possible so I won't spend time delving into the political aspects of Mr. Rather's career, not even the slap-boxing hissy-fit he and George Herbert Walker Bush got into. (Except to say that Barbara Bush could probably beat both of them senseless in a real fight.)

No, we who aspire to the noble art of loonery appreciate that Danny Boy was a constant source of sterling material. From his sidewalk mugging by a man vaguely resembling Michael Stipe, ("What is the frequency Kenneth?") to his nightly valediction to the nation of "Courage!" which was made into an insipid Cartoon Network series about a dog, Dan always left us with a reason to think that he was two cans short of a six-pack of Guinness. That wasn't half bad because he was truly three bottles short of a six-pack. Being a newsman, we just spotted him the other bottle.

By the way, the frequency was 94.9 FM. He should have known that, but without a teleprompter the man is useless with details.

We have been linked... "the Infamous Doctor Dung".

I can see why he'd be infamous, with a last name like Dung. Stew suggested it could just be that he's Vietnamese, but I think that's usually spelled Doung. Of course it's a little known fact that the name "Fando" in Vietnamese means "stool", so I completely understand why some people would not find that funny.

One wonders how he obtained his name. Is it a real name, one the family came over with and decided, "What the blazes...we're not changing it to Smith or Jones or Schwartzenegger. We're Dungs, and we're proud of it!"

Maybe it's an athletic nickname from grade school or college, like the Doctors of Dunk from Louisville in the early eighties. Maybe he's the "Doctor of Dung"! I have no idea what sport that would be though. My best guess would be harness racing.

Of course if he were a Doctor of Dung, one's mind would be filled with all sorts of unpalatable images of the residency. What kind of rounds would those be? "How are you today, Mrs. Johnson...let's just have a look at your bedpan."

Maybe he's a vet? Or maybe he's an academic know the old joke:

Dean: Martin, I'd like you to meet Dr. Lewis.
Martin: Hey doc, would you take a look at my elbow? It's been hurting something awful.
Dr. Lewis: I'm not that kind of Doctor. I'm a Doctor of English.
Martin: Well would you look at some sonnets of mine? I think I've got a trochee stuck in my iambic pentameter.

I said it was an old joke.

Monday, February 28, 2005

Final Thoughts on the Oscars

Some notes and thoughts on this year's Academy Awards:

  • I was watching the look on Marty Scorcese's face when Clint Eastwood's name was called out. He was smiling, but his body was clenched like someone had stabbed him in the gizzard with a shiv. The only way it would have been worse is if Clint had done the little fake twirl and reholster the gun bit, but he's far too classy for that these days. Of course, somewhere, Sondra Locke was choking on her liquor.
  • Can I just say again that there is a limit to the amount of Beyonce that we can take. While I'm certain that editing and camera angles can create a misunderstanding, my overall feeling about her from last night is that she views herself in the same category as Venus. I've never seen someone preen and pose the way she seemed to on the red carpet and then 3 apperances, including one where she was introduced by the person who presumably sang the actual song in the film? (I could be mistaken about that, but I wouldn't admit it if it would have got her off the stage.) I hereby use the power invested in me by my own imagination and ban Beyonce from singing again at the Oscars for a period of 10 years or until Adam Sandler wins a Best Actor award, whichever is longer.
  • Jack Nicholson was nowhere in sight. Somehow it just wasn't the same without that loveable nutter.
  • Morgan Spurlock failed to win Best Documentary for "Super Size Me". I've no idea if there's any truth to the rumors that he spent the rest of the night retching Big Macs and McRibs out in front of Graumann's.
  • Hillary Swank seems like a very nice young lady. It's only a sad coincidence that her last name sounds like a particularly nasty "adult" magazine. It could be worse. She could go by the name "Guccione Flynt". (Lord have mercy, I never tire of making fun of those two rotters.)
  • I know it's a dead horse by now, but Chris Rock meet David Letterman. Two funny guys who just don't fit in the "Oscar" mold and will be successful anyway. I predict Billy Crystal will be back again next year sucking up to Oprah (Who always seems to get a seat...was she in anything this year?) Billy, Steve, and Whoopi will continue the usual rotation, but when will they get smart and hire Jerry Seinfeld to do this thing?

Ciao baby.

Attack of the Divas

Just read Stew's post and have the following to say...

"the riffing these awards truly deserve"...? What, no "marvelous job Earl!" or "I only hope the rest of us can match the insanely high standards you've set for us!"? I work and work and slave and slave and what does it get me? Zimpter Fiforg won't even return my calls, not even collect. Chico y Jose referred to me as a "fishmonger" the other day! Juan Carlos Vega said that, "I am the thing that is not what is possibly awful in comparison to other not so bad things." (Although upon reflection, that may have been a spectacular compliment.)

I want some recognition! I want to walk the red carpet of the Internet and preen for the desktop cameras (Not those cameras Hefner)! I want whining, toady celebrity reporters to fawn over my every e-mail and post, virtually licking the boots of the seediest members of my entourage! I want respect, fortune, and the cover of Time or at least a backstory in Weekly World News!

That of course was my well-known impression of Jennifer "J-Lo" Lopez, (AKA Jennifer "Diva-ranged" Lopez), were she the administrator of a blog that had just been completely ignored for a much glitzier, yet essentially vapid blog administrated by Beyonce and mirrored on two other sites.

Thank you, thank you...I'll be here all week.

Blimey, I'll be "here" as long as there's a "here".

The day after...

My apologies to Earl and our adored viewing audience but after my bout with the "technicolorus vomitus" and network difficulties I have returned. I'm like the E! (kind of like Yahoo! isn't it) after Oscar show where Joan Rivers complains about women wearing better dresses than she is wearing. Since I missed the live blogging last night I will give you my impression of what were the hits and misses.

Miss - Chris Rock as the host. A few good one-liners does not an Academy Awards host make. I felt like I was at the Comedy Store watching the comedian who had enough jokes for a half-hour show trying to push it to the full hour. His improvisation skills were as clumsy as Gerald Ford doing the old O.J. "Running through the airport" Hertz commercials.

Hit - Clint Eastwood winning any award. The guy is just cool personified. I especially liked the way he just went up and down the steps when he won for Best Director and Best Picture. The other schmucks were hustled off backstage, but not Clint, he just headed back down to his seat to chew on some rawhide or something.

Miss - Sean Penn defending Jude Law. I think Sean had hit the Guinness a little early when he came out to anounce the Best Actress category. He sounded like the drunk guy you see defending his buddy. "Heesh the best guy a guy could ever knowwww!!!!!" I half expected him to challenge Chris Rock to a fist-fight. All of a sudden there would be a knockdown/dragout fight involving the entire front half of the hall. Clint Eastwood would grab Johnny Depp by the lapels and pull him up, Depp yelling "Not in the face" and Clint would land one in the old bread basket. Prince would be scratching Beyonce's eyes out... well you get the picture.

Hit - Jamie Foxx winning for his portrayal of Ray Charles. I actually saw the first half of this movie during the weekend, having children I was unable to finish it. I forgot about Foxx until they annouced his name at which point I knew who would walk away with the trophy. Only Ray Charles was more Ray Charles than Jamie Foxx. That's the best way I can put it. I didn't know until I watched Barbara Walters special that Jamie had actually been rendered blind for the filming of the movie, talk about suffering for your art.

Miss - Moving the "lesser" awards to the aisles of the theater. What's next, we just have a quick announcement by the host of who won them? We could just have a scroll run at the end of the evening showing them so we don't have to see their disgusting little visages or hear their slobbering "Thanks to my mother who passed on this year and gave me the inspiration to make this Academy Award winning piece." On second thought, let's just go BACK TO THE WAY IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN. There, I feel better now.

Hit - The appearance by Lukas P. Short. Earl wondered earlier who that was running backstage. Well, it didn't take me long to realize, by the Stetson in his hand and his patented "serpentine" swagger, that it was our old friend Lukas. I called him on his cell phone to tell him I saw him but he was in a big shouting match with Rob Schneider who was holding his place and wouldn't give it up.

Well, that is just a quick rundown of some of what I took away from the awards ceremony last night. Hopefully next year we can do a three or four man strong live blog, like the riffing these awards truly deserve.


Oh, and bang-up job to Earl, he did great as the one man show.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Million Dollar Baby night

OK, I had a much longer post here but our lousy wireless network ate it. I'd like to thank the trolydytes at Microsoft,Linksys, Toshiba, and Blogger (who always seem to pick this time of night to do maintenance...I work in technology, wait for midnight you lasy blighters) for that.

Million Dollar Baby was the big winner. A bit of a surprise there. Scorcese is probably calling in a few hits right now (just kidding Mr. Scorcese).

Rock settled down after an opening monologue that lasted, by my calculations, 47 minutes. OK, it only felt that long. Still, let no one complain about my mate David Letterman or I will tie them up and make them listen to Rock's monologue repeatedly until they beg for death, which should mean that I won't have to hear the entire thing again in its entirety myself.

Normal blogging resumes tomorrow. These posts may be edited to make them more surreal, if such a thing is possible, given the subject matter.


Close but no cigar...

Rock's reference to the film "Meet the Fockers" was the closest to an "f-bomb" all night. The 5-sec. delay guy must've nearly had a stroke. He's been able to relax as the evening goes on and then zowie.

Best Director next

Scorcese - prediction

Update : Scorcese - hosed.

Now I think Eastwood is great but the guy widely recognized as the best living director in the US doesn't have an Oscar.

Mr. Scorcese, meet Mr. Welles.

Good speech by Eastwood though.

Jamie Foxx

Winner Best Oscar...nice speech and a very talented young man. We will see much more of him, which , since he was nominated for two roles this year, means Johnny Depp's preeminence in films is in danger.

OK, that's as sappy as this blog will get. It's nice when deserving people win though, and what's more, he's a genuinely funny person.

A witty writer...

Charlie Kaufman...very sharp and modest. Splendid.

Fastest Oscars?

This thing could be done by 11:30 Eastern time.

It's like watching quantum physics in action. I think they're actually sprinting the recipients off stage.

The only woman to be nominated for playing a boxer

Hillary did not forget to thank her husband this time.

Bet they don't cut her off with the music. Tom Conti's thinking, "She played a boxer...she could hurt me."

She's got two of these things now. Write a speech next time!

They actually tried the music thing and Tom backed off. I did think I heard the hammer click on Clint's revolver. There's a name..."Clint". It sounds like something you find in a quarry.

Hat trick for Beyonce.

All right, this is too much. Her voice is fine, but there is such a thing as overkill. Why don't we just have Gweneth Paltrow or Kirsten Dunst present 3 or 4 awards in a row or alll the acting awards, or let Harrison Ford or Jack Nicholson come out and hand out all the awards in 20 minutes and spend the other 2 and a half hours watching great film clips.

Prince is on. Anything can happen now. This is real risk-taking television.

The best song winner just sang his acceptance speech in Spanish. I think the rough translation is "Che, they've taken your life and made it into a movie and I wrote a song about it and they've given be a great big golden statue of a naked Anglo man. Because, Because, I don't know why, just because."

In Memorium...

Nice touch that with YoYo Ma. Reagan got nice applause, but he was President of the Screen Actors Guild before he was in real politics, so maybe people were thinking of that or just thinking, let's not look like political hacks here. I did think I heard someone shout "Bonzo!" I think I'm just imagining that it was Tim Robbins voice.

Annette Benning looks...

...very intense. She has that Mr. Furious hairstyle from "Flaming Carrot Comics".

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban...

...missed it's other chance for an award, and with John Williams in the slot as well.

Which also ends this evenings chance to up the Google based hits.

The actual winner said something very nice, which I didn't hear.

8 year old Oscar speech

The short documentary award winner - the obnoxious one - said he'd been rehearsing his speech since he was eight in the bathtub, just to make the memory as unpleasant as possible for the rest of us. (I do so hate to rag the small awards winners but let the little man speak you great git!)

This is what we call "overpreparation".

BTW - "Most Unnecessary Clevage" award goes to Natalie Portman.

Sound Awards...

and also Most Prominent Clevage award.

Antonio Banderas is singing now. ANTONIO BANDERAS. I expect David Lynch will perform the final song...if Beyonce doesn't turn up again.

The song was from "The Motorcycle Diaries". Che is receiving his just desserts. The violent revolutionary has been fully co-opted by Hollywood. He has a best song from a movie about his life. He's spinning around in his grave like a Tiger Woods nine-iron shot. Somewhere Castro is thinking, "That lousy sell-out."


Price Waterhouse has finally got some decent security.

The Passion of the Christ...

...missed on it's one chance at an Oscar. The Aviator is starting to gain momentum.

Notice I didn't say "take off". We have some pride here, you know.

The dog's bullocks

A tiny bit of England has just invaded Hollywood.

What's the deal with the segregation though...on a night when they are highlighting the considerable achievements of African American actors and actresses, they have the "lesser awards" being presented in the aisles or all grouped up on stage like a grade school field trip. Let them walk up to the stage like the big-wigs. Sheesh!

Beyonce again...

What was weird was that the actress from "Phantom" did the intro. Did she not sing in the film herself, or has someone on the production team got Beyonce-fever? They'll be making up award names and giving her Oscars next. End the ego trip now, please.

Commercial time!

Oprah just said that Halle Berry was "born to play the role" in a new TV movie Oprah is producing. So the Oscar she won was for just some meaningless other role? I suppose now the poor woman has nothing to look forward to in life, except maybe remakes of Oprah's TV movie?

The title of this Oprah TV potboiler is "Their Eyes Were On God" or something like that. It's looks a whole lot like their eyes were on each other, as the commercial seems to be comprised almost entirely of steamy (as network TV goes) sex scenes.

Attica! Attica!

That's what I'm imagining Robin Williams is shouting backstage right now.

Sidney Lumet did the Wiz...

I forgot about that...surprised it was in the list though.

Now, the sad thing about the Lifetime Achievement Award is that they always seem to give it to people who are , shall we say, about to snuff it. You get an award like that and you begin to think, "'Lifetime Achievement Award', that must be it. Producers will be saying I'm done, retired, finished..." I'm predicting that as lifespans get longer, people will start turning it down, or saying, can I put a hold on that for say 20 years?

Cuts of Johnny Depp

...he looks like a young Vincent Price.

Creepy that.

Tribute to the Troops

Brief and classy, although the applause was just a little "too polite". The effort was nice though.

I'm not sure what he meant by saying that he hopes the movies "bring you home for an hour", unless he meant that they should be enthralled by the sex and violence for the remaining 30 - 60 minutes.

God Bless them all though.

Spiderman 2 wins Best Effects

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Askaban misses out on one of two chances.

This is my favorite post as the Google possibilities are endless.

Writers on stage... Nope.

An off night, maybe...lost in the moment.

Then the second guy says at the end, "I want to share my half of the award with the cast and crew." Like the other guy didn't? Backstage the first guy's telling Mr. Sharing, "Gee, thanks a lot pal...we've been writing together for 15 years and now you decide to make me look like a selfish jerk! You're on your own from now on, gloryhog!"

Adam Sandler?

He's on like every year. Martin Lawrence can't get in the building and Sandler gets a whole bit with Rock...

Must be an SNL thing.

Best Hair

Counting Crowes lead singer, no doubt. Mr. Grammys, meet Mr. Oscars.

He looks like a firework is going off on his head in extreme slow motion.

The strangeness of filmmaking... that people on one end of the film don't always see others working at other ends. When the lady who won Best Editing for "The Aviator" walked up, Alda Alda, one of the actors nominated from the film, was looking at her as though he were thinking, "I thought she looked familiar...but she wasn't the caterer!"

Kirsten Dunst has been on camera...

...more than Chris Rock tonight it seems. She is prettier of course, but he's the bleeding host.

Carson tribute...

The only person they could find to comment on Carson's tenure as Oscar Host was Whoopi? Are they that lazy or do they hate David Letterman that much?

Oprah, Uma, get over it have funny names.

Kate Hepburn wins again...

Sorry, Cate Blanchett...They love Kate so much if Martin Lawrence changed his name to Katherine Hepburn he'd win next year for Big Momma's House 2.


Pierce Brosnan looked incredibly uncomfortable co-presenting with a short animated fashion designer diva. He should have hit the eject button on the Aston Martin.

Scarlett Johannson in the balcony

Soon they'll be presenting from the roof, the street, and people's homes. (Mrs. Fando gets half-credit for this joke.)

Ha! I was right...They just rang the doorbell and asked to come in and do setup for Prince. I sent them to Stew's who will be happy to have something to do this evening. Prince, BTW, was resplendent in some elaborate purple thing.

He did get mad when I referred to him as the artist once known as symbol man before being known as Prince. He threatened to kick me in the upper ankle, as he couldn't reach my shin.

Who was that guy...

...sprinting off the stage? Robin Williams I expect.

Chris Rock doing a "culture clash" bit. Of course this year, most caucasians haven't seen the nominees either.

Martin Lawrence made his first and only appearance on the Oscars.

Beyonce singing in French

BTW her name is French and means "bouncy".

I'm making that up of course.

Like the little Pavarotti flourish at the end...wonderfully absurd. All that was missing was the hanky and the heavily dyed beard.

Beyonce is really French for "poses ridiculously".

Cate Blachett presenting from the aisle

Could she not walk to the stage in that dress?

Oh, I get it, they've grouped all the different award winners together...Oscar Balkanazation.

I could have sworn they said the lady's name was Baba O'Reilly. She forgot to thank Pete Townshend.

BTW Drew Barrymore was just described as "multitalented". Hmmm... In Hollywood that must mean she can do light comedy AND action, or in the case of Charlie's Angels 2, neither well. John Forsythe was just phoning it in on that film, literally as it turns out.

Incredibles wins...

Robin is still bouncing around in the shadows. The woman next to him appears to be a giantess.

Robin Williams just hammered Joan Rivers

With that outfit, he's just playing defense with offense.

Doing the animation awards. An excuse for good shtick...oops, he's going political as well. Well, no one will notice. The "Spongebob is gay, not gay" row isn't exactly headline news. I can safely attest though that he is incredibly annoying.

I predict Incredibles will win.

Commercial time...

I'm Spartacus!

Of course Spartacus was crucified in the film, so maybe Pespi's being a little insensitive here. Mel Gibson is probably glad he didn't have anything to do with that one.

Morgan Freeman wins...

Nice guy...just don't call him "Easy Reader".

Renee Zwelleger...

Cute lady but that is the prissyest dress and walk I've ever seen. She looks like she has a back brace on. It's the "debutante" walk, the one where you try not to let the books fall off your head.

Disturbingly, I realize that sounds like dialogue from Queer Eye...

Sweet mercy...

He's stopped and Halle Berry's on.

I noticed that during the "Bush" part of Rock's routine, they didn't show Clint Eastwood. I expect he was loading the magnum at that time.

Chris Rock doing his stand up routine

Very unusual. It's starting to feel like Letterman's stint. The audience is laughing politely (after giving him a standing ovation.) Not bad stuff, as Rock's pretty funny at times...but a weird vibe, like a lion-taming act going wrong.

Getting political...not his strong suit. This is why we avoid politics can't do it without looking like a jerk to half your audience. This audience is loving it now of course. The Bush White House is putting Mr. Rock's name on the "prohibited from the grounds" list, along with Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, and Sean Penn.

Getting Close...

The geeks from Price-Waterhouse have arrived, walking up the red carpet with briefcases and awkward smiles on their faces.

Live Blog...Alone

Well, unless Juan Carlos is online right now, it's just me. Stew is having insurmountable network problems that are vaguely related to the spread of fascism in education. I won't say anymore than that. I'm on a laptop this evening instead of the usual PC, so expect more typos. For the 2 of you out there, keep checking in this evening. I'll be here as long as they're on.

Some early notes:

Barbara Walters is just coasting these days. The polite, fawning laughter. The embarrassingly probing questions. All relatively lax tonight, and yet Teri Hatcher cried like a little girl anyway. almost Pavlovian.

Jamie Foxx, nice guy, suspicious of gold diggers - aka Committment. Barbara actually asked how he was "keeping it real". It would sound cooler coming from my mother.

The red carpet interviewers - I don't know if it's just me or the fact that I'm doing this blog tonight, but these people seem more sycophantic and fawning than ever. These are interviewers that politicians would kill to have on the campaign trail. ("Excuse me President Bush, is Laura wearing Versace tonight.

One of them just said to Scarlet Johannson of walking the red carpet that "It's all about the dress." Yeccch. I guess Leonardo DeCaprio is an loser in her mind then, choosing to show up in a very classy suit.