It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Friday, March 04, 2005

From the FUUUU-TTTTTUUUUURRRREEE!!!!!!!!

Comes this press release:

Attn: All Media Outlets

April 27, 2021


After his highly successful landing on the asteroid 433 Eros last month intrepid billionaire Steve Fossett has now confirmed his next expedition will be a landing on the Sun. The 76 year old explorer feels this is one of the last great horizons to tackle. "After my failed trip to the center of the Earth in 2014 I have felt that the Sun landing is the way to go". Virgin Atlantic Polygram MCA Sony founder and confidant Sir Richard Branson stated, "Well we've been a little worried about him in the last few years, but by jove if he wants to try it, who's going to stop him."

Fossett has again hired design expert Burt Rutan's cryogenically frozen brain to design the craft which will take him to the center of the solar system. The craft's full design is still a secret but will be heavily shielded by nano-lead and a vast, potentially two miles thick, coating of wax. "We want him to have a layer that he can shed en-route to reduce weight as he closes in on the sun," Rutan's brain explained, "the thickness of the wax should accomplish this." Fossett himself will wear of suit of 12,000,000 degree rated Nomex which should keep him at a comfortable 72 degrees until he reaches the Corona of the Sun. The suit is fitted with a Puron refrigerant device that will kick in at temperatures over 8,000,000 degrees keeping the temperature in the suit at a toasty 110 degrees.

Asked why the Sun, Fossett commented, "why the New World, why Everest, why the moon, why are my pants so wet. I want to do this because, well, I can't really think of anything else. Been to Mars, took a sub into the Mariana Trench, went in a barrel over Niagra Falls, and disregarded the gap in the London tube. What else is there to do?" Asked whether he is concerned that many see it as suicide, Fossett was unconcerned, "They also said David Blaine was crazy to try and walk a tightrope across the Grand Canyon", regarding the tragic failed stunt by the street magician to make the crossing last year, "well maybe he was, but he got great press for weeks after that." Fossett will be making the attempt while only taking ten bottles of Gatorade and a months supply of Mars bars.

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