There once was a lobster from Nantucket...

Stew, the story of Bob Wholey is an inspiring one, especially to those of us who are tired of the miserable relativist bastards running philosophy today. For too long these existential, deconstructionalist, and nonfoundationalist bullies have run around saying the epistimelogical emperor has no clothes on as an excuse to go on their own naked, hemp-infested, hippy, free-love campouts and symposiums. No more! Bob Wholey has taken these blaggards by the soft bits and shaken hard until they've fallen off. As you'll see from the transcript below, an excerpt from the 1999 World Philosophy Conference and Fish Fry in Copenhagen, he's been doing his own thing for some time now.

From a panel discussion on the epistemological roots of ethics:

Mr. Rorty: Clearly we can not rely on an objective perspective for ethical norms. We need a conversation of cultures to bring together and respect all manner of societies and ethical standards.

Mr. Wholey: What kind of salmon have you been smoking Rorty? The world is as real as a basket of cherrystone clams you effette snob! Here's some objectivity for you!

At this point in the discussion Mr. Wholey struck Mr. Rorty across the brow with a large tuna.

From a debate on the communicability of literature:

Mr. Derrida: As I have often said, what one writes is often different from what is read by another. That person's personal experieince and cultural prejudices, particularly the western...

Mr. Wholey: I've had all the crap I can stand from you today Jacques! You whine like a helium-sucking dolphin about textual comprehension and the inability to really communicate through literature, and then you turn out more text than Steven King on an oyster high! How's this for me communiating my point you whelk eating simp?!?

At this point in the debate Mr. Wholey stabbed Mr. Derrida in the shoulder with a large swordfish.

Mr. Derrida: Oh, I am slain!

But he would linger on another 5 years.

Clearly, Wholey is on to something. Postmodernists doubt objective reality but objectively fear violence and large ocean fish. A stunning approach.