The State of the US Election
Well, there are only two weeks until US voters go to the polls to elect our next president. Which means that everyone in the country is currently completely mental. The latest updates that you won't read anywhere else:
- Senator Hillary Clinton has been campaigning hard for Senator Barack Obama but supporters have noticed the strange ending to her stump speech: "And if McCain wins on November 4th, don't forget I told you so, you ungrateful bastards!" Obama campaign officials have asked her to change the line. It now reads, "And if McCain loses..."
- The latest news on ACORN is that they have managed to not only register Mickey Mouse, but also Donald Duck, Goofy, Minnie Mouse, Scrooge McDuck, Pluto, Huey, Louie, and Dewey, Clarabelle Cow, Chip and Dale, that candelabra guy from Beauty and the Beast (wonderfully voiced by the late, great Jerry Orbach), the dinosaur from Toy Story I and II, Dumbo, Pinocchio, Jiminy Cricket, Snow White, all seven dwarves, the Wicked Queen, Cinderella, Gus Gus the mouse, and Jimmy Hoffa. All but Gus Gus voted in the last election in California. Gus Gus voted in Florida... twice.
- Senator Joe Biden committed a faux-pas on the campaign trail when he suggested in a speech that he invented butter. Senator Biden also announced that he was once Chiang Kai-Shek, that he played for the Yankees in 1957, that his hair plugs are really space-alien antennae, and that he could eat soup with chopsticks. When this was reported to Governor Sarah Palin, she laughed so hard she fell off her snow-machine, dropped her flute, AND snorted milk up her nose.
- Pip Clowson has offered Joe the Plumber a job as Secretary of the planned Department of Plumbing and Wastewater Management in a new Clowson administration. Joe announced he's holding out for the Vice-Presidential nomination. Clowson was non-comittal, saying that he wasn't sure how much he liked the sound of "Joe the Vice President" seeing as Obama already has laid claim to that idea.
- Senator Barack Obama announced his new plan to improve America by renaming the middle-class. In an Obama administration they will be known as the "better-than-average-class." He also announced that he would be forming a Department of Giveaways to the Middle-Class in his administration.
- Senator John McCain announced his strategy for beating Obama in the last few weeks of the election: Glower and stalk around the campaign trail like a man hunting a rabid wolf with a pickaxe.
- Governor Sarah Palin demonstrated her sharp intelligence by beating both Charlie Gibson, Katie Couric, and Tina Fey in games of Scrabble, Pictionary, and Scattergories. Couric was eliminated in Scrabble when she tried to make a word out of the letters G, R, W, X, and V, claiming it was the code for her subscription to The Economist. To her credit, Fey won a round of Pictionary on the word "stiff" when she drew a picture of Gibson.
- Senator Barack Obama announced he was improving his plan to rename the middle-class and would now call them "the super-duper class" and pointed out that McCain was still just calling them "the plain-old middle class, just like that failure George W. Bush."
- After Senator John McCain's Alfred Smith Dinner remarks, excoriating Keith Olbermann, Olbermann publicly declared McCain "a foul, nasty, wrinkled old *&%$... (1,457 characters expurgated)" and then went into a snit and promised not to change straitjackets until McCain was beaten.
- Senator John McCain announced that for the rest of the campaign he would be carrying a baseball bat with the words "The Peacemaker" burned into the wood. Barack Obama later claimed that McCain got the idea from Vice President Dick Cheney, who carries a baseball bat with the words "The Pacemaker" burned on it. No word on the rumours that McCain's bat has human blood and hair on it.
- Senator Barack Obama declared that "the super-duper class" wasn't good enough for the middle-class and that he had finally settled on calling them "the world-class-class." McCain responded by announcing that he would furthermore refer to the middle-class as the "Joe the Plumber class."
- In a related story, Ralph Nader and Bob Barr were seen doing something or other that may have been vaguely related to the presidential campaign.
- In a related story, psych wards nationwide are full to the brim.