You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

What the Advertisemensts REALLY Taught Me

In order to keep up with current events, and also because our recliner is veeerrry comfy, I watch a fair amount of television. Which means I also watch a lot of advertisements. Love them or hate them, one thing about commercials, or "adverts" as they are known in Tahiti*, is that they are all designed to convey a specific message: "Buy our product!"

This is a simple and straightforward message. (Duh.) However, since ads need to be clever and interesting to gain our attention, the writers invariably present us with a plethora of other messages, many of them unintentional. I never fail to learn just a little bit more about our sordid world from a TV commercial. Here are just a few things I've learned from advertisers in the last year.

  • Bud Light - Some alcoholics will do anything for free lite beer. Here we go!
  • Jack's Links - Caution: This product may make you recklessly stupid around giant mythical primates.
  • Geico Insurance - Geckos are magical lizards that can talk and produce wallets and cellphones out of thin air. Who needs insurance with them around?! (Also, cavemen suck.)
  • Butterfingers - People who eat Butterfingers are selfish *****s who would rather let you starve than share a measly crumb or two from their little candy bar.
  • ESPN Sportscenter - The reason you never see your favorite athletes on the street is because they all hang out in Bristol, Connecticut. The sports bars there must do terrific business.
  • E*Trade - Babies are mouthy little bastards, but man, can they play the market. 
  • Cialis - Sexual arousal can cause you to hallucinate that your home has turned into nature. (Also, older people are a lot hornier than most young people suspect.)
  • Volkswagen - It's acceptable to hurt people when you see a Volkswagen. (I blame the Nazis for this.)
  • Twix - Guys, are you a lying, no-good, skeez? She'll never know, as long as you have a Twix candy bar handy.
  • Orkin - Giant mutant bugs are going to take over the earth. They can drive cars and deliver pizzas. Soon they'll be able to wield firearms, and then even your Orkin man won't stand a chance.
  • Burger King - That weird, perverted guy you remember from high school? He finally managed to grow a beard and became king of all burgers!
  • Allstate - All of your auto damage has been caused by Liz Lemon's old boyfriend. Why don't we all sue him?
  • Charmin - Cartoon bears are chronic sufferers of dingle berries. This explains why Hanna Barbera never showed Yogi from the rear.
  • Apple - Apple thinks that all us Windows users are four-eyed doofuses who can't see why their trendy, hipster computers are overpriced.
  • Windows - Windows was invented by everyone, which explains the bugs.
  • Dos Equis - The rest of us are way too uncool to drink Dos Equis. Stick to your Buds and Millers you uninteresting proles!
  • Old Spice Deodorant - Again, too cool for us. Right Guard and Sure for the ladies (and the generic stuff I use because everything else burns my pits and I can't put my arms down and ... well, you get the picture.)
  • Progressive - All of our insurance is sold by a single gabby woman in a giant, sterile supermarket.
  • Discover Card - Never, ever, go on a blind date with an Eastern European woman named "Peggy." For one thing, you'll never be able to get her to call you back.
  • Snickers - Without a Snickers bar, you will eventually turn into a cranky older woman.
  • Dr. Pepper - Who needs med school? Everybody's a doctor!
* Britain too, apparently

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    Thursday, January 20, 2011

    Happy Anniversary to Us!

    We're six!  That's "six," not "sex." We've never been described as "sex*," though people are welcome to do so, if it will bump up our hit count by a few thousand percent.

    Since we're six now, we should be in grade school, which explains much of the content on this blog.

    * The closest we've come is when people refer to us as "those ****heads." We're not sure what the "****" is, since they always use asterisks instead of the actual word.


    Monday, January 17, 2011

    Now That's a Miss America Talent!

    The Miss America Pageant was last night and the Fandos tuned in with interest, mainly because one of the contestants was the daughter of our insurance agent. She did a splendid job but just missed out becoming Miss America by a fraction (1st runner-up). Congratulations to her and the other contestants, and of course, Miss Nebraska, who was the winner. It was also very cool seeing her parents in the audience, who are lovely people.

    Anyway, watching the talent part of the contest*, I realized that there just aren't enough unique talents in the pageant these days. These young ladies need some talent segments that will help distinguish themselves from the other statuesque beauties with perfect hair, figures, and teeth. They need something that will make the judges sit up and say to themselves, "Did I just see what I thought I saw?" And the answer will be, "Yes, yes you did, but don't worry, the shock will subside in a few months."

    This is just the kind of blog to provide that kind of advice. So, hear are a few suggestions for the talent part of the competition. I expect you'll see more than one of these from a future Miss America!**

    • Parody runway walking
    • Crown juggling
    • Speed talking (as opposed to the ridiculous question and answer section of the pageant - Did we really need the $100,000 Pyramid reject "time is running out" music in the back?)
    • Sew together 3 evening gowns in under 60 seconds
    • Impersonations of Donald Trump, Christopher Walken, Barack Obama, and Mickey Rooney
    • Extreme contortionist
    • Funky jazzercise
    • Rip a phone book in two with bare hands
    • Unicycle through flaming hoop of death
    • Tightrope walking over a pit of angry hermit crabs
    • Speed zipper repair
    • Skateboarding Feng Shui consultant
    • Shoot a cigarette from the mouth of a chimpanzee with a spear gun
    • ABC's Wipeout color commentator
    • Naturalist trampolining
    • Nunchuku demonstration
    • Herd 100 cats into a pen in under 3 minutes
    • Dive 20 feet into a mug of frosty root beer***
    • Build a replica of the Eiffel Tower from Scotch Tape and Twizzlers
    • Write a raunchy limerick in under 30 seconds
    • Combination gymnastics/lingerie modeling
    • Hibachi chef - especially the part where they flip the shrimp tails into their hat
    • Eat an entire wedge of Limburger cheese in one bite ...without gagging
    • Alligator wrestling
    • Tie a knot in a cherry stem using only your tongue
    • Omelet flipping (harder than it looks)
    • Speed leg-waxing
    • Jello swimming

    *Like any good husband, I pretended not to watch the swimwear part of the program.
    ** For any ladies using these suggestions, please remember to wear a costume that has the words "Unfortunate Ideas" across it in bright red letters, preferably across the chest area.
    *** I can't think of any better use for root beer. I mean, who wants to actually drink the stuff? It's made of roots, people!

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