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Monday, January 17, 2011

Now That's a Miss America Talent!

The Miss America Pageant was last night and the Fandos tuned in with interest, mainly because one of the contestants was the daughter of our insurance agent. She did a splendid job but just missed out becoming Miss America by a fraction (1st runner-up). Congratulations to her and the other contestants, and of course, Miss Nebraska, who was the winner. It was also very cool seeing her parents in the audience, who are lovely people.

Anyway, watching the talent part of the contest*, I realized that there just aren't enough unique talents in the pageant these days. These young ladies need some talent segments that will help distinguish themselves from the other statuesque beauties with perfect hair, figures, and teeth. They need something that will make the judges sit up and say to themselves, "Did I just see what I thought I saw?" And the answer will be, "Yes, yes you did, but don't worry, the shock will subside in a few months."

This is just the kind of blog to provide that kind of advice. So, hear are a few suggestions for the talent part of the competition. I expect you'll see more than one of these from a future Miss America!**

  • Parody runway walking
  • Crown juggling
  • Speed talking (as opposed to the ridiculous question and answer section of the pageant - Did we really need the $100,000 Pyramid reject "time is running out" music in the back?)
  • Sew together 3 evening gowns in under 60 seconds
  • Impersonations of Donald Trump, Christopher Walken, Barack Obama, and Mickey Rooney
  • Extreme contortionist
  • Funky jazzercise
  • Rip a phone book in two with bare hands
  • Unicycle through flaming hoop of death
  • Tightrope walking over a pit of angry hermit crabs
  • Speed zipper repair
  • Skateboarding Feng Shui consultant
  • Shoot a cigarette from the mouth of a chimpanzee with a spear gun
  • ABC's Wipeout color commentator
  • Naturalist trampolining
  • Nunchuku demonstration
  • Herd 100 cats into a pen in under 3 minutes
  • Dive 20 feet into a mug of frosty root beer***
  • Build a replica of the Eiffel Tower from Scotch Tape and Twizzlers
  • Write a raunchy limerick in under 30 seconds
  • Combination gymnastics/lingerie modeling
  • Hibachi chef - especially the part where they flip the shrimp tails into their hat
  • Eat an entire wedge of Limburger cheese in one bite ...without gagging
  • Alligator wrestling
  • Tie a knot in a cherry stem using only your tongue
  • Omelet flipping (harder than it looks)
  • Speed leg-waxing
  • Jello swimming

*Like any good husband, I pretended not to watch the swimwear part of the program.
** For any ladies using these suggestions, please remember to wear a costume that has the words "Unfortunate Ideas" across it in bright red letters, preferably across the chest area.
*** I can't think of any better use for root beer. I mean, who wants to actually drink the stuff? It's made of roots, people!

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