It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Friday, April 07, 2006

New Hampshire: Additional Suggestions

That wasn't an actual suggestion for a New Hampshire motto (though in hindsight, it's not bad) but I do have some suggestions of my own.

First though, I'm not sure why the old slogan was replaced. One thought was that maybe some New Hampshirites would prefer to live in some form of servitude, but I can't imagine the totalitarian or S&M crowds to have that large a constiuency, even in a flake-haven like the Granite State. Obviously, the marketers have taken over, since "You're going to love it here!" reeks of the kind of frappucino-latte, brand-name sportswear indulgence popular with these types.

I should confess that Stew also reeks of frappucino and wears Nike and Addias golfing attire as often as Tom Cruise wears a goofy smile, but I can vouch for his personal character and confirm that he is completely unlike marketing types, having a conscience and reasonably good taste (I am of course referring to the frappucino). I myself reek of bottled water and novelty-flavoured toothpaste, but that's hardly germane here.

Also, just as an aside, if the good people of New Hampshire should choose any of these, please contact us about residual checks for all the license plate, bumper sticker, and state-themed dishware usage. It's a shame the New Hampshire quarter has already come out as we would have simply settled for 1% of those.

Anyway, my suggestions:

  • New Hampshire: Not as Pointless as You'd Think!
  • New Hampshire: Mirror Image of Vermont!
  • New Hampshire: We Were Going to Be The Natural State but Arkansas Beat Us To It, The Barefoot, Preganant, Still-Sucking Bastards!
  • New Hampshire: Still Here!
  • New Hampshire: Live Free or Whatever!
  • New Hampshire: Would You Like Some Bark with That?
  • New Hampshire: The Killer Bees Haven't Made It Here Yet!
  • New Hampshire: Barely Touching Canada!
  • New Hampshire: Where Sociopathic, Firearm-Wielding Mountain Men Are Still Welcome (Mostly)!
  • New Hampshire: Metropolis-Free!
  • New Hampshire: Still Better Than Old Hampshire!

New Hampshire: Land of Foliage

New Hampshire is the latest state up in arms over its state motto and the utilization of the slogan to draw tourists. The old slogan "Live free or die", which personally sounds pretty cool to me, is possibly going to be replaced with the more innocuous "You're going to love it here." Always being the types to help states, countries, hamlets, municipalities, and burgs with their watchwords we at DOUI bring you some of our ideas for a new state slogan.

  • New Hampshire - We've got syrup too.
  • New Hampshire - Love it or leaf it.
  • New Hampshire - We're master debaters!!!!
  • New Hampshire - At least we're not Vermont.
  • New Hampshire - Buffering the US from Maine for over 200 years.
  • New Hampshire - We got your trees right here!!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Cookbook of the Damned

I was reading through Stew's article on Dr. Mengele... excuse me, I mean Dr. Pianka (I get those Nazi names mixed up all the time) and judging from all the food references, I think it's only a matter of time before the daft old git comes out (wait for it) with a cookbook of some kind.

Ah yes, I can almost visualise it now, as though it were a television comedy dream sequence...

(Cue cheap special effect from television comedy dream sequence)

**********

Hemlock Society Books Presents -

Legendary sociopathic coot Dr. Eric Pianka's latest scholarly tome:
The Cookbook of the Damned

The last cookbook you'll ever need!

"Now this is catering!" - Osama Bin Laden

"Why'd I waste my time tinkering with Rube Goldberg contraptions of death, when I could have simply had people sit down for a tasty, yet lethal meal?" - Jack Kevorkian

"Anthrax, spamthrax...I should have invested in arsenic, truffles, and a finely honed madeira sauce! (pg. 47)" - Saddam Hussein

"I knew I should have made Dianetics a cookbook!" - L. Ron Hubbard

"While we in no way encourage or condone the use of this book, nevertheless it was a thrilling, titillating, masterful epic! Somebody get us a cold shower!" - The Texas Academy of Science

"I feel like an amateur." - Lucretia Borgia

Thrill to some of the most ingenious, once-in-your-life (for obvious reasons) culinary adventures ever created:

  • Chicken and Smallpox with a white wine and botulin vinegrette (pg. 21)
  • Strychnine Surprise ("Surprise! This has strychnine in it!") (pg. 78)
  • Dioxin Bisque (pg. 149)
  • Cyanide and Beans with Ebola Encrusted Cornbread for a down-home demise (pg. 987)
  • Cobra Venom infused Barbeque Pork Chops ("If the venom doesn't get you, the barbeque will!") (pg. 6,894)


(The taste quality of these dishes cannot be vouched for by Dr. Pianka, as he did not actually sample any of his own receipes. All taste and quality verification was handled by a highly qualified group of drifters, hermits, and hobos.)

Ever wonder what you might choose for your last meal? Well, there's no time like the present to find out! After all, the environment is counting on YOU to check out!

Bonus offer: For every 9 cookbooks you buy as gifts, receive Dr. Pianka's delightful advice reader, How to Rule in the Chaos After The Great Pandemic, a hilarious guide with great advice on picking up and exploiting desperate women, how to loot abandoned Wal-Marts, forming a cult and/or political dictatorship, and differentiating between the infected and non-infected.

It's tough to be a rat.

A new study from the researchers at Johns Hopkins University has demonstrated that rats should avoid barbecued meats, because when cooked they can produce a dangerous compound called PhlP. When questioned about the value of the research Dr. Karl Ratzenberger twitched his cute little pink nose and said, "It's important to the health of rats the world over. We've been keeping a close eye on rat health ever since the Dark Ages when they got a bad rap for the whole Bubonic Plague thing." The researchers had to put on hold their project of stuffing shrimp etouffee down the mouths of chipmunks to concentrate on the rat/barbecue problem.

But what does this mean to rats? Are their days of enjoying a nice filet or blackened rib-eye at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse a thing of the past. I sat down in an alley behind Appleby's to speak with King Rat Adolphus III to discuss what this means for the steak loving rodent.

Stew: King Adolphus, I know this is a black day for you and your people.

KAIII: It really hurts Stew, I loved a good tenderloin just like the next rat. We're advising all rats to avoid restaurants serving steak or other charred meats. We're telling them to stick to places like Taco Bell dumpsters and Wendy's, as there's not much of a chance for them to get real meat there.

Stew: What has been the reaction so far?

KAIII: Well most have taken it in stride, they've started turning to baked potato husks and dinner rolls since there are more of them anyhow.

Stew: Has there been any sign of disease in any of your people?

KAIII: That's a joke, right?

Stew: No, seriously. I meant any sign of prostate cancer.

KAIII: Oh, well so far we've had a couple of guys who've had problems taking a leak but nothing too bad. You have to remember, these studies use your typical lab rat who's a little less used to the pounding the street rat is subjected to on a daily basis.

Stew: How much do you know about research on rodents, and is it ethical?

KAIII: I'm sure it's all on the level, these guys know what they're getting into. They enjoy the good life for a while...then a painful death riddled with tumors of some sort. At least these guys got steak stuffed down their faces for a few weeks.

Stew: Things could be worse I guess. Dr. Pianka could be testing airborne Ebola on them for instance.

KAIII: Word.

Stew: Anything you'd like to say before I let you get back to eating that moldy bread and buffalo wing bones?

KAIII: Yeah, would ya mind gettin' your foot off that tasty lump of putrified cheese.

Stew: Oh sorry.

Note: As I was trying to find the article on rats, prostate cancer, and barbecues I stumbled on a link to a Prostate Cancer Awareness event. Here's the pertinent part:

Swing into action with students from Dickinson College's Policy and Leadership class as they host the first annual "Dickinson-Carlisle Community Golf Outing" on May 16. The event, to benefit the National Prostate Cancer Coalition, will begin with guest speakers and a BBQ lunch at noon, followed by a shotgun start at 1 p.m., at Mayapple Golf Links Course, 1 Mayapple Drive, Rt. 74, Carlisle, Pa.

Whoops!!!!!!!!

Monday, April 03, 2006

The end is near!!! Maybe... for a few.

Yes, I know, I've been gone for an extended period of time again. Don't ask where I was and you won't have to hear the horrible, mind-numbing details of my personal hell. On the bright side is this story from Texas of a professor who is lauding the end of humanity (at least 90% of it) as a really good thing. The Pro-fes-sor (articulated similar to the doorman in The Marx Brothers' Animal Crackers) was apparently hitting the bong hard while watching Bruce Dern in Silent Running for the tenth time in one night when he came up with his whacked out theory.

The good prof seems to think that a nice round of airborne Ebola virus would be a good thing for those overpopulated regions of the world. Kind of like the Terminex man stopping by to get rid of some pesky termites eating into your sub-flooring or fire ants in your backyard. In his world however we are the eco-unfriendly pests who are a pox on the face of our lovely planet and it is we that must go, as nature would want it. I decided to pay Dr. Death a visit and learn if he any other plans for the destruction of all mankind.

Stew: Professor Pianka, thanks for allowing me to come down to your office.

Prof P: No problem Stew, I appreciate the free publicity. Would you like some coffee or an arsenic laced danish?

Stew: Just the coffee.

Prof P: Milk or sugar? Strychnine? You're not going to live forever you know.

Stew: Black please.

Prof P: Have it your way.

Stew: You mention that you believe that 90% of humanity will be taken out by Ebola or some other epidemic. Who would you see remaining alive?

Prof P: Well, I'd like to see it myself so I would hope to have time to retreat into the desert to my pre-positioned provisions and shelter. Other than that, you know, I'd like to see Joan Baez make it - I just love her music, the off-Broadway cast of Rent, Simon Cowell, Oprah, and France.

Stew: The country?

Prof P: Yeah, I just love their wine and cheese.

Stew: Some have described your views as radical, and some have called for your expulsion from the university. What do you say to them?

Prof P: (stroking a small guillotine on his desk) Have they? Do you have any names?

Stew: Uh, I don't think I can divulge that information.

Prof P: Nevermind, I think we can determine that later. Sure, they call my ideas radical but that's also what they said about Adolf Hitler.

Stew: But...

Prof P: Look I don't really have time for all of this anyhow, I've been working on a way to make Ebola Zaire airborne and things look promising right now.

Stew: Can I have another cup of coffee, I seem to be getting sleepy.

Prof P: You will, it's only the first stage.

Stew: First stage of what?

Prof P: Nevermind. Bagel chips?

Sunday, April 02, 2006

April Fools' Day - Some help for the tradition

Well, another April Fools Day has come and gone. From what I could tell the tradition has pretty much gone down the loo like yesterday's curry. No one seems to care anymore about pranking anyone, or making up fake headlines, or engaging in petulant, juvenile gags designed to confuse people into shock and send them to hospital where the doctors and nurses will give them a placebo but say they accidentally prescribed LSD. What's the world come to?

Even Stew didn't so much as offer a single prank call, pretending to be George H. W. Bush looking to score babes, or Bill Clinton, inviting me to go on a skydiving outing.

I think I mixed those two up. No matter. The point is that people don't seem to care about April Fools' anymore.

I myself however, in addition to the rather obvious April Fools' post of yesterday, made at least one prank call to a country-western radio host, who also happens to be a friend. (Just for the record, neither of us cares that much for country and western music.) I made several requests, including "The Squirrel that Went to Church", "Chug-a-Lug", and finally, since he didn't have any of those, "Achy-Breaky-Heart" which is on most people's lists, including Billy Ray Cyrus, as one of the top 10 most awful songs ever (Just behind "Hello George" and "The Bird Is the Word"). My only regret is that I didn't request the Richard Harris version of "MacArthur Park." In hindsight though, it's probably just as well. Hearing that on the radio might have caused several hundred truck drivers' heads to have exploded, creating all sorts of carnage on highways in the area.

Yes, I used a funny voice.

Anyway, since the tradition of April Fools' Day has taken such a regrettable tumble, I've decided to offer some support for next year. I've divided these into 3 categories: Prank Calls, Fake Statements, and Joke Headlines. I hope you find them useful. Oh yes, I've been asked by F. Johnny Lee to point out that DOUI cannot be held legally responsible for any results of anyone actually employing these pranks, as they are for entertainment purposes only, just like American Pro Wrestling. You can put the revolver away now, F. Johnny.

PRANK CALLS

1. Call a radio station pretending to be another radio station. Tell the DJ that they are the "million dollar finalist" and that they'll win the big prize if they can answer the jackpot question. Then ask them an insoluable question, such as "What is the final prime number postulated in the Riemann Hypothesis?" or "What is the second variable in the Universal Field Theory?" Make loud tick-tocking noises in the background and then after about 5 seconds sound a horribly dissonant buzzer and say in your most obnoxious voice, "Sorry, the answer was '3'! LOSER!!" The weeping is priceless, not that I've ever done this. Never. Ever. That would be wrong.

2. Dial up the local telemarketing agency and try to sell them something. It doesn't matter what the product is. It only matters that you never give up, even if it takes hours. It could be a piece of belly-button lint. ("I don't think you realise how much this belly-button lint would change your life!") Use the following phrases repeatedly: "It's a one in a lifetime chance!" "This is a fabulous offer available only to our most trusted customers!" "This is a specially-recorded message from Tom Hanks!" At some point in the conversation, say, "I'm detective John Kimball!" Those who know what I'm talking can plainly see the value in this.

3. Dial a local political party and pretend to be a nationally recognized politician. Clinton and McCain are the easiest voices to do for blokes. The ladies can try Hillary Clinton or Condi Rice. Tell them you're coming in for a little visit and that you need the VIP treatment. Actually use the words "VIP Treatment." If you're doing Clinton, ask if there are any pretty girls between the ages of 18 and 25 who can come by the hotel room later to help "adjust your itenerary." If you're doing McCain, ask for something ridiculous, like a Hummer limo, and then explain in a slow, patient voice, like you were speaking to a very thick five year old. Refer to them as "Little Jimmy," even if the person on the phone is a woman. If you're a lady doing Hillary or Condi, be sure to include the phrase, "You just don't want to do this because I'm a woman don't you?" and also, "Was that a sexual remark? Please don't tell me you just made a sexual remark to me on the phone, you pig!" This last one confuses the hell out of elderly women volunteers.

FAKE STATEMENTS

1. Erm, had a little problem with your makeup today, did you?
2. Have you been eating black pepper, because it's all over your teeth?
3. Your thong is showing. Either that or someone's wedged a giant rubber band between your cheeks.
4. Wow, you're really calm for someone with a Black Widow spider on your nose.
5. You know, those pants look OK with the zipper wide open.
6. That drifter at the bar is eyeing you. Yeah, the one with the tic.
7. Forget to button up all the way today, did we?
8. Don't pay attention to what anyone else says, I think that bald spot makes you look distinguished.

JOKE HEADLINES

1. Scientists Discover that Donuts, Pizza, Beer, and Fried Food Promote Long Life AND Are Aphrodisiacs
2. Democrats and Republicans Form One Big Party, Vow to Screw Over Average Americans More Efficiently (For those in Britain simply replace with "Labour and Tories," and "Average Britons.")
3. Keith Richards Wins Olympic 100 Meter Dash, Says He Owes It All to Clean Living and Abstinence
4. Handlebar Moustaches Make Comeback
5. 95% of Women Find Pot Bellies Sexy, Other 5% Declared Stupid
6. Tom Cruise Named President of The American Psychological Association, Says There Will Be Sweeping Changes
7. Researchers Determine Butter to Actually Be Beneficial for Open Wounds
8. O.J. Finds Real Killers