The Mother of All Memorial Services

Michael Jackson's memorial service is today. It would be crass and tasteless to make fun of Michael and his weird life on this day.

However, the memorial itself and most of those attending it are fair game.

Things to watch for at the Memorial*:

• Full coverage on all networks. NBC's coverage will be co-hosted by Matt Lauer and Triumph the Comic Insult Dog.
• Al Sharpton's hair will be a full three feet high for the service.
• The LAPD will do an exemplary job of crowd control until the number of wannabe mourners/gawkers passes 100,000. Then, the official orders will be given to "$%&*# it... They're on their own." This will happen at about 7 a.m.
• In an L.A. first, helicopters vying for airspace to cover the event will begin shooting at each other. Usually, this kind of L.A. violence is restricted to ground traffic.
• All pallbearers have been instructed to moonwalk.
• Tickets to the service are free for those who get them. However, Staples Center concessions will run at normal prices.**
• Celebrity mourners will be transported in the Batmobile.
• This will be the first memorial service with a full laser light show.
• CNN and Fox News will run scrolls underneath the service detailing Michael's accomplishments. E! will run a scroll underneath the service detailing the continuing search for Jeff Goldblum.
• Public viewing areas will be set up by level of interest: mildly curious, interested, fans, fanatics, Jackson impersonators, and people claiming to be Michael
• Elvis will appear and announce that he's not dead after all. At least seven people will notice.
• Free white gloves for all participants - right hand only.***

* No, Stew, not the golf tournament.
** Or 500% market value, for those who are wondering
*** OK - I realise this one and the moonwalk one might be over the line. I like to think Michael would have enjoyed them though.