You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

News Briefs

Some news briefs, meaning short news bits and having nothing whatsoever to do with knickers.

  • Evanescence lead singer Amy Lee fired herself from the band today, sighting creative differences with one of her tattoos, which later resigned in solidarity with her lower thigh. This change means that the band is now without all of its founding members. The band has found a replacement for Lee though. Yoko Ono will be joining the group in June. A band spokesperson stated, "It'll be a big change in style, but we think Yoko will be easier to get along with."
  • AFP reports that "vandals" have damaged Stonehenge with "a hammer and screwdriver." The vandals reportedly built a wooden deck at the foot of the one of the Trilithons, and set up a grill and deck chairs. Police and local security quickly rounded up the vandals, after a few beers and burgers. The deck was later demolished to preserve the historical veracity of the ancient sarcen circle, and also to make way for a four-million pound steel and glass visitors' centre, which will include an animatronic Spinal Tap singing their song "Stonehenge."
  • An Israeli woman stripped to her birthday suit in response to wolf whistles from New Zealand road workers. Several companies immediately invested in research to see if this was an isolated phenomenon, or could be reproduced and mass-marketed. Microsoft is working on a virtual version.
  • McDonald's reports that it is now cooking all its french-fries in trans-fat free oils, switching from the earlier cooking oil they used, which was known as "McDonald's All-American Cooking Goo." McDonald's also announced other initiatives to develop their reputation as a healthful food outlet, including painting the home of the president of the Center for Science in the Public Interest, walking his dog, and other "personal"services.
  • Gas prices continue to rise in the United States, with prices expected to top $10,000 per gallon by Memorial Day. Congress responded to the crisis by lambasting "greedy Big Oil" and threatning to take OPEC to Judge Judy. They then voted themsleves a raise, additional helath-care benefits, and began an extended 4-month Memorial Day holiday in Aruba. President Bush told reporters he was "disappointed."
  • A German mail company as acciedentally issued stamps bearing the likeness of notorious Hitler confidante Rudolf Hess. The company, Deutsche Post (German for "Deutsche Post") apologised, issuing a press release which explained that they thought it was a George Michael commemorative series. "We should have spotted the error, given that Hess is a bit slimmer than Michael...that and all the swastikas," the release stated.
  • Senator Barack Obama has rejected several suggestions from Senator Hillary Clinton on a way to decide the close fought Democratic Nomination. He turned down the following offers:
    - Arm wrestle for it
    - Boston Marathon course in July
    - High-stakes poker match, Howard Dean can bring the cards
    - American Idol sing-off
    - Spouses fight to the death
    An Obama spokesman responded that Senator Obama would not accept any compromise that did not result in his winning the nomination and "Mrs. Clinton's *** in a sling."

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