Not Your Grammy's Grammys!

As usual, I sat out the Grammys, having little tolerance for televised, partially lip-synced, live, recorded music. However, I'm told it was quite a hootenanny, and so, being the conscientious reporter of popular culture that I am, I felt this was as good a time as any to make my first non-Oscars pop culture post in 3 or 4 years.

As I didn't actually watch the show though, most of this report is based on Internet accounts of the program, some of which may be less than reliable -- although if you can't trust accounts like @crazylyingoldbastard, who can you trust?

The show opened with a dazzling Beyonce number. She arrived astride a unicorn, wearing a classic Bob Mackie "ToomuchfabricforCher" number, only made of gold silk and encrusted with platinum, diamonds, and a relatively safe level of iridium (for the perfect glow). She sang a medley of Slim Whitman tunes (the danceable ones).

Kanye West then interrupted the first presenter to announce that Beyonce should have won whatever award she was going to lose later that evening.

Snoop Dogg then presented an award. Well, I think it was Snoop. By all appearances it was only a large cloud of thick smoke with elegant shoes. However, in addition to Snoop's voice, Martha Stewart could be heard from within the cloud, exclaiming, "These cookies are going to be delicious!"

This was followed by a Beyonce number. She sang Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" while riding an ornate (gold, diamonds, the usual crap) nineteenth-century stagecoach pulled by Adele and Taylor Swift. The whole thing ended when Cash's face was projected on her baby bump, which she proceeded to gyrate in such a way to make it appear that Cash was finishing the song.

The lady is a marvel.

Kanye West then interrupted a Lionel Ritchie presentation to announce that when The Commodores wrote "Brickhouse" they must have been thinking of Beyonce, despite the fact she wasn't born yet. 

"Imma let you finish," West intoned, "but you all were ******** Nostradamuses!"

This was followed by several angry speeches by various performers criticizing President Donald Trump and threatening to back out of playing his casinos and resorts if he doesn't "ease up a bit."

Next was a new Metallica number, which fans at home only heard as a loud, amplified shriek and guitar chord. Kayne interrupted the finale to remind everyone that the Atlanta Falcons were more deserving of the Super Bowl win than the New England Patriots. He then suggested someone should "blow up Tom Brady's balls (pause) ...his footballs! (heavily-amplified rim-shot)"

This was followed by a Beyonce number consisting of her riding on the outside of an actual 747 that plunged into a life-sized reenactment of the destruction of Pompeii by the eruption of Vesuvius. People called it the most euphemistic cover of Spinal Tap's "Sex Farm" ever done.

Next, the award for best classical composition was given to a very famous European composer who was booed off stage when he or she* made a plea for "tasteful, moving music." 

Kanye West then interrupted again. "Imma let you finish, but would the owner of a Red Lamborghini please send a member of your posse to the parking lot. Your lights are on. [19 different people get up]. Sorry, that's a *cherry-red* Lamborghini! [14 sit back down] ...A convertible [3 more sit down] ...With a custom spoiler! [1 more sits down] Thank you."

Lady Gaga then did a recreation of her Super Bowl set, only with more drones and dancers.

This was followed by songs memorializing David Bowie, Prince, George Michael, and a very befuddled CeeLo Green, who was sitting in the audience, dressed as one of Auric Goldfinger's victims. This depressed the hell out of everyone, despite the cocaine.

Adele won the award for Best Everything, but explained to everyone that she thinks Beyonce should have won, and also that she loathes herself as a human being for daring to even touch Queen Bey's award and is thinking of becoming a nun, or maybe just switching to folk music, which is "the same thing except without the chastity." 

This was followed by a Beyonce number where she performed nude while hypnotizing the live and televised audience into thinking she was wearing a very detailed and exotic costume (the usual stuff, only with pearls).

The show ended with Morris Day and the Time reminding us all of why we used to listen to pop music.

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*This happened during the commercial break, so no one is sure.