It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

The mystery of the pelicans

Ornithologists were pleased to see the return of over 18,000 white pelicans to North Dakota's Chase Lake National Wildlife Refuge (NDCLNWR, pronounced "naked clan war"). 28,000 of the 6-foot long birds up and left the reserve last year for reasons known only to them, leaving behind eggs and chicks who were unable to fend for themselves.

Fortunately, an AP reporter who spoke Pelican (a dialect of Pidgeon-English) was able to solve the mystery. When asked why they left so suddenly, one pelican responded, "It was all the ornithologists buzzing us in planes and spying on us with cameras. You trying mating while being videotaped by dozens of people in white coats and carrying notepads. There was performance anxiety all over the island."

When asked where all the pelicans had gone to, the bird, speaking on the condition of anonymity, said, "We went to Daytona Beach. The older birds decided to all head down to Miami Beach and retire, but the rest of us came back up here to give it another shot. It's worse that ever this year though. In a week or two, we're all flying to Santa Barbara to get some peace and quiet. In California, no one bothers you, no matter what you do in public."

Friday, June 17, 2005

Danny DeVito is not going to like this...

The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration has come out with recommendations that booster seats are needed for anyone under the height of 4' 9". That's probably going to be news to a lot of parents whose children have been out of booster seats for quite awhile (including my own child who is still just shy of the magic height.) Parent: "No, I'm sorry Johnny. I know you're 11 but, unfortunately, you're a stumpy kid and need to go back to the booster seat!" However, this would be a good test to find out just how many swear words your children actually know.

Plus, I know of a few of adults who are hovering right around that magic height. How will they react? Danny DeVito is listed at 4 feet, 10 inches, but, quite frankly, I think someone's fudging an inch or two to stay out of a Britax Roadster Booster Seat, or similar model. (Scroll down this page to check out the leopard skin version!)

And now for a change of pace!

Actually, I have nothing for this post. I just got really tired of coming to the site and seeing a post with the word "scrotum" in the title at the top of the page, even if it is mine (the post, not the scrotum!)

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Get your bleeding scrotum off of my neck!

Now perhaps we really know why Bennifer didn't work out.

World Entertainment News Network reports that Ben Affleck highlights his unusual sense of humour with one of his favorite practical jokes: resting his genitals on objects in public. Apparently the latest incident occurred while working with Christina Applegate on the film Surviving Christmas (Spike TV programmers take note!). According to Ms. Applegate, "They were doing a shot of a briefcase and Ben put his stuff on the case. It was gross."

Reportedly, Affleck also repeatedly "pranked" director Kevin Smith by "resting his scrotum on the back of the movie maker's neck" during breaks in the filming of Jersey Girl.

Can you imagine JLo putting up with this kind of crap? I can't. I can, however, imagine how it might have happened...

(Scene: Jennifer Lopez's palatial New York townhouse. JLo is resting on a mink sofa, sipping Mouton Rothschild through a straw out of a Yankees souvenir mug. Ben Affleck enters.)

JLo: Ben, honey, come over her and look at this new diamond toe ring I got at Macy's.

Ben Affleck: OK, hunny-bunny.

(Ben walks over to the sofa. JLo turns around and does that fake French greeting kiss, only from about 20 feet away. She then turns back to her toe bling.)

JLo: Isn't it gorgeous. I'm thinking of getting another one for my zipper ring.

Ben: It's beautiful poopsie-woopsie. Just like you.

(While JLo is staring lovingly at her glittering piggy, Ben silently pulls out his privates and gently props them up on the back of JLo's neck.)

JL0: (absent-mindedly) Oh, honey, are gonna give me one of those Swedish neck massages? Baby, your fingers are really wrinkly... Wait a minute, that isn't...oh...my...

(Outside the townhouse a loud scream can be heard, followed in succession by a stream of expletives in Spanish, the sound of furniture breaking, the sound of a fireplace poker being swung wildly, the sound of several objects being thrown, specifically a telephone, a Ming vase, a Van Gogh painting, a relic of King Tut's tomb, a cereal bowl full of beluga caviar, a diamond toe ring, and an 18th-century Chippendale coffee table.)

Ben: (From inside the apartment) But sweetie-weetie... Aaaghh!!! My franks and beans!!!

************

Update: My apologies as this is clearly the raunchiest piece we've ever done on this blog. Ben Affleck is clearly to blame though. He should keep his rod and reel to himself.

Check out the holiday programming!

Over at Spike TV, they've decided to celebrate Father's Day by running 2 days of Francis Ford Coppola's The Godfather trilogy. To my mind, nothing encapsulates the spirit of fatherly love and dedication like a movie about gangsters, organized crime, and murder. Sorry, I was imagining how poor Lindsey Lohan must be feeling now. (Sorry Lindsey old gal, though I realize you've probably never read this blog, anyway.) At least they didn't run The Stepfather.

Anyway, judging from Spike's unique take on this holiday, I can only imagine what their programmers are coming up with for other holiday occasions. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your view), since this is a blog, you can look into my imagination and see what I'm talking about.

Spike TV's Holiday Programming List:

New Year's Day - Murder in Times Square
Valentine's Day - My Bloody Valentine
St. Patrick's Day - Leprechaun
Easter - Easter Island: Mystery and Magic (Their back-up plan being Alien: Ressurection)
Mother's Day - Bloody Mama
Fourth of July - Summer Camp Nightmare (AKA The Butterfly Revolution)
Columbus Day - Columbus entdeckt Krähwinkel
Halloween - Halloween (of course!)
Thanksgiving - National Lampoon's Thanksgiving Family Reunion
Christmas - R' Xmas

I can only dread what they'd put on for Arbor Day.

Translating Radical Farsi to English - an addendum

Stew,

I had no idea the Farsi spoken by radical Islamists was so complex rhetorically. I did a little research and found a few more phrases you might have missed.

  • American is the Great Satan! = I really dig Angelina Jolie!
  • Die, you infidel pig! = Can I bum a menthol cigarette off of you?
  • We will destroy you, you sons of a dog! = I'm lovin' it at McDonald's!
  • Khomeni is our great leader = Please pardon my flatulence.
  • We will scourge you, you western scum! = Domo Arigato, Mr. Roboto.
  • We will crush the Zionist swine! = I believe I have developed a hernia.
  • Our revolution will triumph = I really can't decide between the fuschia and the cerulean curtains.
  • We are not trying to build a nuclear weapon = Die, you infidel pig!

Very complex indeed.

Sean Penn, Ace Reporter

More news is out on Mr. Penn's coverage of the Iranian elections. Seems Sean had an interview with "moderate" candidate Rafsanjani where the past president told Sean that since Iran had eight candidates up for consideration that they were more democratic than the United States. Don't try and play the numbers game with us, we can put up more kook candidates than you guys could ever hope to have.

I found the article of interest for the following paragraph:

The actor caused a stir when he attended Friday prayers last week and heard the “Death to America” chants. But on a visit to Iran's Film Museum in Tehran this week he told a student that those oft-heard chants hurt Iran-U.S. relations."I understand the nature of where it comes from and what its intention is," he said. "But I don't think it's productive because I think the message goes to the American people and it is interpreted very literally."Asked whether his idea about Iran had changed since arriving in the country, he said: "I hope my ideas are ever-changing."

This was shocking because I must admit, "I" was taking them literally too. Had I misunderstood the meaning of what the hardline radicals in Iran had been saying about America? Were my ideas not as ever-changing as Sean's? Armed with a renewed vigor to answer these tough questions I entered the Farsi meanings of various phrases into Iran's version of Babelfish and here is what I found.

(Farsi = English)

  • Death to America = We will, we will, rock you!!
  • May a thousand plagues infest Bush's cowboy hat = Peace be with you
  • A camel should relieve itself on the US = Do you want fries with that?
  • Stick it in your hat Mr. Dan Rather = Keep off the grass
  • May America burn to ashes = Can I bum a cigarette, sailor?
  • Die you Zionist scum as our Revolutionary Brigades squash you like scorpions = Gigli

Had I only known the true meaning of these phrases my view on the regime would undoubtedly have changed. Oh, and Sean... May a thousand sand crabs attach themselves to your testicles. (Real meaning: May you be ever-changing and ever-Spicoli.)

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

My New Motto: Life = Football (Soccer)

Mrs. Fando had a frustrating time of it the other day. Lines of slow moving traffic, fueled by inconsiderate drivers who glue the cellphone to their ears before they've even turned the ignition. Everyone in town deciding they need use the ATM at the same time as my wife, and all managing to pull in just ahead of her. Slow-witted grocery shoppers who loiter in front of shelves for what seems an eternity, blocking anyone who actually knows what they want (and can read the packaging to get it), then taking the last easily reachable package before slouching off to obstruct someone else in front of the soda pop.

I told her I have an answer to all of this: Football - that is soccer to everyone in the United States (and almost nowhere else.) We should all simply apply the laws of football/soccer to life. As we live in America, and explaining the offsides rule is seen here as akin to drawing a Mandelbrot fractal, we would have the immediate advantage of actually knowing the rules. The disadvantage is that a sizeable group of people would continue to do what they always do, which is to ignore the rules. However, by using the laws of football, they would do so at their physical peril.

Here are some basic principles to use to apply this new philosophy:

  1. If you're even with your opponent, the shoulder charge is legal. Take that Miss grocery store loiterer!
  2. The slide tackle is legitimate as long as you win the ball/ATM/checkout line.
  3. Kicking is just a natural part of the game. Keep the studs down and the licks low and hard.
  4. Only the keeper may use their hands (I'm not yet sure how to apply this to our advantage, but I'll think of something.)
  5. Shielding the ball, so long as it is in your possession, is not obstruction. So if you can get in front of your opponent, you're legal - even on the highway!
  6. When taking a free kick early in the game, always aim for the players who forget to shield their privates. They'll not be so eager to block your shot later.
  7. Always celebrate goals loudly and at length. The more important the goal, the more outrageous the celebration.

So if you see someone slide tackling into a checkout line at your local grocery, toppling over some arrogant young twenty-something gabbing loudly into a cell phone with more than the 20-item limit in their basket, don't be alarmed. It's just me or the missus.

New brain cells? Sign me up!

Sorry, I was just trying to imagine the reaction to the news in Stew's post from Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, Madonna, and numerous other "luminaries".

Seriously though, somewhere Hank Williams Jr. has read the article and thought, "What's the point. I'll just destroy 'em all over again."

Dude, where's my brain cells?


Memo for immediate release
University of Florida Center for Brain Studies

RE: Brain cells grown in laboratory

In an exciting advance for science, brain cells have been grown for ther first time in a laboratory that mimic the natural process of brain regeneration. The researchers said they were able to produce virtually unlimited quantities of brains cells. The process can lead to advances in transplant medicine and the production of new drugs with the potential to rebuild damaged nerve tissues. The head of the team Dr. Bjorn Scheffler said, "Our study shows for the first time the entire process that goes on in our brain for life. We can, in a dish, recapture the process in front of our eyes."

In a setback for the team the cells were destroyed in a kegger held to celebrate the discovery.

Monday, June 13, 2005

I'm lovin' it...except for the high blood pressure medication

Ronald McDonald playing hoops with Yao Ming? Cycling with Lance Armstrong? Sparring for a few rounds with Sean Penn? What is up with this cheerful burger-peddling harlequin? Why, what else but the health craze that has all of us up in arms about trans fatty acids and watching our salt intake (Earl aside). McDonalds has begun in earnest to hustle salads, fruit, and bottled water in order to cash in on the latest fads and phenomenons. We took a moment to discuss this with the yellow suited Ronald after he completed a round of golf with Tiger Woods.

Stew: Ronald, thanks for giving us a minute of your time.

Ronald: No problem Stew, I've got to make it quick, John McEnroe and I have a doubles game against Bjorn Borg and Jared from Subway in twenty minutes.

Stew: We'll make it quick. So, what is up with the new healthier McDonalds?

Ronald: Well Stew, it's really all about the Benjamins if you know what I'm saying. We figure if people want it, find a way to sell it to them. At least we haven't fed anyone a finger yet.

Stew: Seems like a jaded view coming from a clown.

Ronald: Hey, you don't buy a $3.2 million home in the Hollywood Hills by yucking it up and having kids kick balloons into a barrel, Bozo proved that.

Stew: What can you tell our readers about the new food at McDonalds and has the old menu changed to reduce the fat in the burgers?

Ronald: Are you kidding me, I never eat the stuff. Talk to someone at the corporate offices I'm sure they've got some data on that sort of thing. I can't keep Jared waiting, have you ever seen that guy lose his temper, he'll cut out your heart with a spork if you're not careful. See ya.

Enjoy the new line-up at a fast food restaurant near you. I'm sure it's all very healthy stuff, as for me I'm off to meet Earl and have some carne asadas.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Tyson tries everything...comes up short

Mike Tyson may have seen his last professional fight last night after losing to unheralded Irish boxer Kevin McBride in six rounds. Tyson reportedly tried everything he could to put McBride away, including low blows, a head butt, and attempting to break his arm in a clinch. Nothing fazed the big 270 pound Irish heavyweight, not even when Tyson turned to more desperate measures.

"I knew that after the chain saw and the bazooka that I was done for, " said Tyson. "I was surprised the referee didn't see the chain saw, but it was loud in there and he may have thought the noise was the pay-per-view announcers snoring into their microphones," said McBride. "Still, for him to miss it after Tyson cut through 3 of the ropes was pretty amazing." When asked how he manage to avoid the chain saw for two whole rounds, McBride answered, "I just kept my right up and held him off with my corner stool. After he cut the legs off of it though, it meant I had to stand between rounds, which was a bit tiring."

Tyson's desperation hit a new high note in the sixth round though. "I was going to try and bite his ears off, like with Evander Holyfield," said the former heavyweight champion, "but they were prepared and had his ears covered with hot chili sauce. Man, I hate that spicy %$&*!" Seeing no other means of stopping the massive Irishman, Tyson pulled out a bazooka at the start of the round. Fortunately, for McBride and sections 1A through 126B of the MCI Center, the bazooka misfired and referee Joe Cortez penalized him two points for illegal equipment.

At the beginning of the seventh round, Tyson's trainers told the referee he had enough. "I would've have come out for the seventh, if I could have only gotten that machete from the training room," said Tyson. "Unfortunately, we accidentally locked the keys inside, so I had to quit. I give all credit to McBride. It's not many boxers who can hold off a chain saw-wielding maniac like me."