You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

A Big Green Do-Over?

I've been suffering from a bit of the vertigo lately, or I'd have had a post out a bit sooner than this. It's really a slow year, and I do apologise. So would Stew and Nuffy, were they ever online. Anyway...

The story from the media is that the remake of The Incredible Hulk is a do-over of Ang Lee's film The Underwhelming Hulk (well, that should have been the title*).

While I happily concede that Lee's film (the parts I didn't sleep through) was banal, cartoonish, and insipid (and Nick Nolte was drastically miscast in a loopy role tailor-made for Christopher Walken) why spend millions of dollars remaking this film when there are plenty of others out there begging to be remade.

For example: X-Men III: The Last Stand. Brett Ratner did more violence to this film franchise than Wolverine in the previous two. I've written about this before at length, so I won't titillate you with that again. Nonetheless, a do-over is in order. Scrap the Ratner version, bury all copies of it, including DVD versions, at sea and start again. It stinks like the arm-pits of Sasquatch (no offense, my furry friend)**.

What about the recent version of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy? You know, the one that replaces all the wit with an annoyingly loud musical score and direction which generally leaves the actors wandering around wondering "What the hell have they put on the green screen behind me this time?" They were smart enough to get Stephen Fry cast as "The Book" and then gave him only about 5 minutes screen time. Had he not been cremated, Douglas Adams would surely be rolling about in his grave***.

And let's not forget The Lady in the Water. Actually, that one probably shouldn't have been made in the first place, so a do-over would just be compounding the damage.

*Optional titles for Lee's minimum opus are:
The Ridiculous Hulk
The Insufferable Hulk
The OverCGI'ed Hulk
The Vertigo-Inducing Hulk
The Indelible (in the negative sense) Hulk
The She-male Hulk (Also the working title for the John Travolta version of Hairspray)
The Overbearing Hulk
The Incredibly Strange Creature Who Stopped Living and Became a Mixed-Up Hulk

**Yes, I am multiple linking to earlier posts to make up for the dearth of new ones this year. So, there.

***As it is, I'm sure he's reconsidering atheism by now.