If you're not Donald Trump, check out our archives below. If you are Donald Trump, fix your hair before you do that. Please.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Pastamania!!!!!

Stew, I couldn't help but notice Hulk Hogan's shirt referred to the legendary Pastamania festival of a few years ago, the first-ever attempt to mix professional wrestling with world-class pasta cooking.

I did a little reseach (using the little known search engine Linguini-Nexini) and managed to locate a story about the event:

**********

(AP [Associacione di Pasta] April 1, 2000) "Pastamania!" Wrestlers Hit the Sauce.

The city of Florence, home to elegant Italian Tuscany cuisine, is fraught with excitement today, as Pope John Paul II is in town for a brief visit. Meanwhile, in Hoboken, NewJersey, a different kind of excitement was at hand this week as Hulk Hogan's Pastamania I!!! came to town. This unique event pitted teams of professional wrestlers and world-class chefs against each other in a physically violent, remarkably appetizing contest to see whose pasta and muscles reign supreme. The winners of the contest receive $10,000 in prize money, a year's supply of Ragu, and the Hulk Hogan's Pastamania! Wardrobe.

In the opening round, Hulk Hogan himself teamed with Mario Batali to dispatch Harold "The Crusher" Johnson and Emeril Lagasse. Hogan floored The Crusher with a series of piledrivers, leg drops, and groinsplitters while Batali perplexed Lagasse with a superb Gorgonzola cream sauce that he repeatedly flicked into Emeril's eyes with a strand of fettuccine.

In other matches, Legendary Bruno Sammartino combined with another legend, six-foot tall Julia "The Baguette" Child, to overwhelm talented newcomers The Skull and Antonio "Gelato" Pistoni. In a stunning strategic twist, Child delivered a series of kesagiri chops to the Skull, before finishing him off with a combination flying clothesline/curlyhoward. Meanwhile, Sammartino stunned Pistoni by whipping up a remarkably complex cold pasta salad, including ripe olives, calamari, balsamic vinegrette and beluga caviar, which he followed by dumping the salad over Pistoni's head and then beating him unconscious with the empty, yet highly aromatic bowl.

In the Women's Division, Mary "Hot Tights" Finklestein combined with Rita "Mrs. Butterworth's" Cagliari to win a closely fought battle against Sharon "Doublemint Gum" Gottschalk and Mary Lou "Canoodle" Ferlinghetti-Rosario-Dingbat-Mooselips-Jones. The contest ended when Gottschalk and F. R. D. M. Jones had the hair on their heads pulled bald and replaced with spaghettini and truffle marinara.

The tournament will run through next week and will be covered nationally by the Food Network and TBS Superstation.

More of those wacky costumes we all love.

In order to increase the amount of easy filler and push that horrible picture of Sly down the page a little further, we bring you another installment of silly Halloween costumes.

Holy loss of dignity Batman!!!

For the little Susan Sarandon in your household.

How did that get in there?

Ahoy there Capt. Billy, there'll be no wenches for you.

I think this guy beat Tyson a couple of years ago.

Mom and Dad, I'm moving to San Francisco.

Must be getting my pictures mixed up.

For the little performer in the family, toothless J-Lo.

I didn't know Will Ferrell had gone into modelling?

Don't ask her what she is...BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T KNOW!!

Jacques LeFleur, French Pimp.

We'll be on the lookout for some good adult costumes next. NOT THAT kind of adult costume, ya perverts.

I don't remember ever reading that before...

As part of my ongoing efforts to improve my knowledge, make myself a better rounded person, and locate new and innovative things to make fun of on this blog, I have been reading a book about the history of Great Britain. I will not name the book however, because I've come across a few historical discrepancies in the text, many of which I have no doubt are the product of revisionism in historical research, or the proliferation of peyote among otherwise bored historians.

I've listed the relevant "facts" below, so you can see just what kind of wonky research these THC addled nutters are inventing these days:

  • William the Conqueror invaded England with only 12 men armed with soup spoons.
  • Lord Nelson fought the entire Battle of Trafalgar whilst seated in a bathtub.
  • Richard III was not only hunchbacked but had two noses and a third ear, situated on his bum.
  • Mary, Queen of Scots could run the 100 metres in under 11 seconds...in a gown.
  • Charles I was beheaded with toenail clippers.
  • Elizabeth I was not only NOT a virgin but also married Richard Burton twice.
  • The Globe Theatre had Sensurround.
  • Winston Churchill could telepathically communicate with dogs, and helped the Allies win WWII by staying in constant mental contact with Adolf Hitler's German Shepard Maurice.
  • Queen Anne was a man, baby! (That's a direct quote from the text.)
  • The nation of Wales used to be called Larry.
  • Henry V was only 3 feet tall when he fought at the Battle of Agincourt.
  • The Profumo scandal was not about sex at all, but happened because a ministerial clerk forgot to wipe his feet before coming into Whitehall.
  • Edward VIII did not abdicate the throne to marry Wallis Simpson, but instead was forced to quit because he was in fact a horse named Cecil.
  • Robert the Bruce could bend steel bars with his teeth.
  • Henry the VIII divorced Catherine of Aragon because she could drink him under the table.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Hey Mick, cut me... and a little lipo wouldn't hurt.

News is out that Sly Stallone is going to lace up the gloves for another installment of the Rocky series, soon to be sextet. I hadn't seen Sly since the end of his reality series with Sugar Ray where they were going to find the next Gerry Cooney or something like that. Needless to say, at 60 Sly is not the lithe boxer of his younger days and needs to shed a few pounds and tone up a little bit. I did get my hands on a copy of the screenplay and would like to share a few excerpts with you.

INT ROCKY'S GYM DAY

Rocky is seen going around to various young boxers at stations giving them advise and showing them a few of the old moves. He has an oxygen tank that he is pulling around from which he takes copious breaths of the life sustaining air.

Rocky: Yo, you got ta (deep breath) jab quicker there. Move (deep breath) your feet!!

Paulie: Hey Rock, can I see ya's for a minute.

Rocky struggles to move his 350 pound frame into the office pulling the oxygen tank.

Paulie: Rock, it's a done deal. We fight the new champ in November.

Rocky: Good job Paulie, (deep breath followed by coughing) I'm going to show the kid what I got.

Paulie: I got them to guarantee us a thousand bucks and a two for one at Bennigan's.

Rocky: You always work a sweet (deep breath) deal der Paulie.

A draft suddenly blows the door to the office shut. A strange chill is felt by Rocky as he takes another long drag from the oxygen mask.

Disembodied voice: (scraggily) Roooock, Rooooooooccckkk.

Rocky: Mick, (deep breath) is that you?

Mick appears in the room with them as a ghostly apparition.

Mick: Who did'ja think it was, George Washington?

Rocky: Mick, what (deep breath) are you doing here?

Mick: I came to save you from yourself ya big palooka. What are ya thinking?

Rocky: Do ya mean my title fight against the (deep breath) champ?

Mick: Hell yeah, look at 'cha. You're as doughy as da Pilsbury Doughboy's obese twin brudda.

Rocky: If I (deep breath) only had ya to train me Mick. Remember when I (deep breath) chased the chickens.

Mick: Ya'd be eatin' em now ya disgusting lump. Don't say I didn't warn ya! (disappears)

Rocky: MIIII(deep breath)IICCCKKKK!!!!!!!!!

It won't be a pretty sight believe me. It would be like Kirk Douglas doing a reprisal of his turn as Spartacus.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Scary Costumes

Stew,

I was just sitting here contemplating what costume to allow the Littlest Fando to wear this year, when I saw your post. I had narrowed the choices down to either Senior Citizen Cher or Harriet Miers - Stealth Justice. Both are unsatisfactory. As for the Cher costume, I will simply not allow my child to dress like one of Tom Jones backup singers, even if the fake waxy bodysuit (designed to capture the unique look of the former Mrs. Bono and Allman) is head to toe. The Miers costume is too vague. In that costume she could be mistaken for anyone from Ruth Bader Ginsburg to Priscilla Owen, or more troublingly: Cher at 90.

(Cher - I kid! We love you here at DOUI. However, if you decide to call us names in the press or on Letterman, it's cool. We need the publicity.)

I did have some observations about some of the costumes you featured though. I'll try to keep them brief so as not to push the pictures down the page too far.

#1. Hasn't little Jimmy actually impaled Nemo?
#2. Is there a Martha Stewart edition for girls?
#3. I was thinking this was Olivia Newton John's character in Grease, after she gives into John Travolta's character. So I suppose the correct definition would be "Scientology slut."
#4. Why is the hippie child playing a ukelele?
#8. Two words: Cha-ka
#9. I can see the slogan now:"Let your child be a horse's ass for Halloween!"
#11. It's really a horror costume. Because Wonder Woman is dead, you know.
#13. Roy Orbison doing his Elvis impersonation!
#15. It's cool how the Tom Cruise costume comes with a little couch to jump on, in case they don't give you candy or offer Ritalin instead.
#21. That Reverend Al Sharpton costume will never catch on. The hairpiece is too time-intensive to maintain. Just frizz it out and go as Don King.
#27. What can you say about a Dick Cheney costume that comes with it's own defibrilator? (Apologies if Letterman has done this bit 4 or 5 times.)
#47. Three Words: Smurf costumes bite.
#48. Kinko's Copyboy Costume? For the child who needs no friends, nor self-respect.
#124. Yonkers, Pastrami, Oleo, and The Vienna Boys Choir...and they said it couldn't be done in a costume!

2nd Annual Halloween Costume Spectacular

Yes folks, it has returned. It's time for the Second Annual Halloween Costume event where we here at DOUI find the stupidest looking costumes and riff mercilessly on them. I'm sure that before October 31 we'll find many more insane costumes but without further ado, here is the first batch.

Your child will love being impaled by the adorable Nemo.


Think of the candy they'll get dressed as actor Robert Downey Jr.


Thanks Mom, for dressing me like a slut.

Comes with decorative bong and Grateful Dead window decal.


She'll say, "Thanks Mom & Dad, my life is over."


What will they enjoy most, the candy or worshiping Beelzebub?!?!


Turns out the suit IS flammable, the NAME is Flame Retard.


Made from 100% real Leopard. (even the bones)


Too disturbing for words.


Yes, it's Jimmy Smith the White Wizard casting a spell on his Legos.


Only recommended for areas where Oct. 31 is above 90 degrees.


It's Billy, the effeminate elf.

Looks who's going to get the crap beat out of him on Nov. 1.

That and many more to come. I'm off now to scour the plethora of costume sites.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Smurf This!

The scandalous Smurf war is at an end.

The end came suddenly, just as the Superfriends, along with their allies The Transformers, Scooby-Doo and the Gang (No relation to Kool and the Gang), Scrappy-Doo, Scruffy-Doo, Squirrely-Doo, and at least 20,000 other Doo relations (Message to Shaggy - Bob Barker insists that you have Scooby neutered), Hong Kong Phooey, He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, The Shogun Warriors, and a very agitated Strawberry Shortcake, were about to make the final push over Smurfette Hills into Smurf Village (No Freudian Slip intended.)

The Smurfs, joined by their long-time allies, Blue from Blue's Clues, the Tick, andThundarr the Barbarian made a last second deal to join forces with the Superfriends. The following conditions were in the agreement:

1. The Superfriends agree to apologize for slandering the Smurfs by associating them with the Ku Klux Klan, when it is well known that only Grandpa Smurf is a member of that notorious organization. In compensation for this apology, Batman gets to run down Grandpa Smurf in the Bat-Tank. This was an easy deal for the Smurfs as Grandpa Smurf had been fragged during the first attack by Nosey Smurf, after making ethnic aspersions to Nosey Smurf's being half-Alsatian. Go figure.

2. Robin, the Boy Wonder gets to marry Smurfette. In response to the news, Robin booked a guest apperance on Oprah and spent the weekend practice-bouncing on the Bat-couch and denouncing psychiatry. Rumours that Smurfette is "late" cannot be confirmed, but an unidentified source who contacted me via the red-phone denied them outright, pointing out that "Robin's boys don't swim."

3. Papa Smurf gets to marry Wonder Woman. On hearing this news, Wonder Woman hung herself with her golden lasso. As consolation, Papa Smurf was set up on a blind date with Hawkgirl, and told that if that didn't work out (i.e. If Hawkgirl suicidally flew into a giant plate glass window at the news), he would have a shot at Wonder Twin Jayna who liked older, short, tiny blue men, and also is a confirmed tramp. Wonder Twin brother Zan "Jaime Haven Voight" will chaperone permanently.

4. Thundarr gets to make a guest appearance on The Superfriends in a role as Wonder Woman's widower. During the appearance, he gets to shout "Thundarr!!" as many times as he chooses. No one was brave enough to point out that The Superfriends hasn't been on the air in ages. Thundarr was last seen in the Justice League of America Green Room eating mini-quiches and muttering "I'm Thundarr, dammit!" under his breath.

5. UNICEF, which has been determined to have been responsible for the original bombing of the Smurf Village, has been sent a very nasty letter, penned by special envoy Dick Dastardly (Seriously, that's his name.) We can't reproduce it on this blog, but let's just say that if Kofi Annan's hair wasn't already white, it would be after reading the letter. The head of UNICEF was also pie-ed by Muttley.

6. Strawberry Shortcake will be shot immediately. All parties agreed to this without debate.

All smurf breaks loose in Smurfland!!!!!!!!

When I smurfed the article referred to by Earl in his last smurf I was taken a-smurf. It had only been last Wednesday that I had spoken to Smurfette concerning a misunderstanding at last month’s Emmy Awards concerning a remark I made about the Blue Man Group. I made a few calls to some friends over at Hanna-Barbera and learned that Strawberry Shortcake had been dispatched to the scene by their news service. I was able to hook up with her via satellite phone from the war-zone.

Stew: Strawberry how are things going over there?

SS: Well Stew, it’s pandemonium over here currently. The marines have just arrived and are mopping up the last of the little blue hellions.

Stew: But Straw, I thought you were a big fan of the The Smurfs?

SS: To be honest the little bastards have been driving me crazy the last few years. I would just as soon we let Azrael loose on their little asses.

Stew: I’m shocked at you Strawberry Shortcake, where is the spunky little girl with enough optimism to fill a strawberry patch?

SS: Stuff it Stew! I’m a war correspondent now. Today the Smurfs, tomorrow the Banana Splits. You tell the Banana Splits that I’m coming, and hell’s coming with me!!!

Stew: But a war correspondent covers the war, they don’t participate in it.

SS: Tell that to Snagglepuss, let’s just say he “exited stage left”. Of course he had some help from my little friend here. (sounds of machine gun fire)

Stew: Strawberry, have you seen Papa Smurf or Smurfette, I’m very worried about them?

SS: I think Papa Smurf got taken out when Kofi Annan dropped a Daisy Cutter on his ‘shroom. Last I saw of Smurfette some UN peacekeepers were taking her away so I’m sure she’s safe.

I had to cut her off there as she is acting very un-Strawberry Shortcake-like and may be psychologically imbalanced. If any of you see a M-16 toting, two-foot tall redhead walking down your street, please beware. Also watch out for roving bands of oh-so-lovable Care Bears bent on world domination.

Smurfed out in the prime of life...More or less.

The Telegraph has reported that Smurf village has been bombed. (Hat tip: Jonah "Mendooozza" Goldberg)

Apparently several Smurfs were killed in a massacre when their giant mushroom homes were bombed into Belgian Waffles by the Superfriends, who claimed to have discovered the insidious secret that the Smurfs were a secret branch of the KKK. (To add insult to injury, the homes were later whipped up into a tasty salad, which unfortunately may have included a Smurf or two.)

Superfriend Aquaman told reporters, "It gave me great pleasure to smash those racist, cross-burning scum into the ground. You'd think they'd be a bit more sensitive, being the blue-skinned little bastards they are." Superman had no comment, but did show Geraldo Rivera the bird when the maverick reporter asked if the son of Jor-El had used his heat vision on civilian Smurfs in violation of the Metropolis Convention. The news conference then ended when Wonder Woman called Rivera a "fascist pig", hog-tied the journalist with her magic lasso, and then announced she would never go out with him again.

Deputy Dawg stated that he would look into the whole affair, but that there was probably little he could do, as the Superfriends were duly deputized agents of the law, and were acting in self-defense. He explained that the Flash testified that he was doing some reconnaissance in the Smurf village when he was threatened by a large smurf who was waving a barbell. He called in the incident and that's when, as Batman explained, "All H-E-double hockey sticks broke loose, citizen." Batman's loyal sidekick and "ward", Robin, added, "Holy Blue Man Group, Batman!"

Notables from all over the cartoon world were shocked by the incident. Noted researcher and sportsman Wile E. Coyote was stunned at the casualty rate. "In my line of business, I've been blown up, run over, flattened, crushed, and dropped into the Grand Canyon more times than I've had hot dinners. Quite frankly, I'm stunned (Earl's note: see we told you), absolutely stunned that these little guys weren't more resilient. Maybe it's because they're Belgian?"

Woody Woodpecker thought it was a tragic misunderstanding, but still managed to get a lot of laughs out of the incident, before he was carted away in a straitjacket.

Johnny Quest expressed deep sympathy for the Smurfs. "I plan to have Race Bannon look into the incident, just as soon as he returns from a camping holiday with my dad, Dr. Quest," promised the intrepid young adventurer.

Sniffles the Mouse talked about the deep sociological impact this incident would have, concluding that, "If I was a Smurf, I wouldn't have messed with those Superfellas, cause they're plenty tough, and anyway, why are Smurfs blue when they're so happy all the time. I guess gettin' blown up will make you blue, I betcha, but..." Yada, yada, yada.

Finally, Donald Duck spoke eloquently and with great emotion about the Smurfs. However, we're still waiting for the translation of his remarks.

Update: Reuters has reported that the motive the Superfriends used to justify their attack on the Smurf village was based on forged documents. Apparently, Lois Lane received and promoted 1975 documents in the Daily Planet that linked the Smurfs with the KKK. The documents were later determined to have been created with digital technology not available in the old hand-drawn days. Lane immediately denied knowing anything about the forgeries, but said her source, a Mr. L. Luthor, was completely trustworthy.

The Daily Planet announced that Lane would be reassigned to the Daily Planet Weekend edition, covering amateur dramatics and Martha Stewart. However, her assistant Jimmy Olsen was dismissed immediately and has since signed a book contract with St. Martin Press.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Esther whiffs too much Ether

As reported by yours truly last week, Madonna's new Kabbalah song has wrankled some within her own faith. Several resolute rabbis resent the ribald rhymster's record referring to the founder of Kabbalah, George Gobel...I'm sorry Yitzhak Luria. Now, I'm certainly not a Madonna apologist but I feel sorry that she has gotten herself into this situation with her new pseudo-religion and felt I should try to help her out. I wrote a letter to Rabbi Raphael Cohen to see if I could smooth things over for poor Esther.


Dear Rabbi Cohen,


How's it hangin'? I just wanted to send a short note stating that you guys should take it easy on poor Madonna/Esther. She has most recently fallen on her head during a riding mishap and can't be 100%, as a matter of a fact I don't think she's been 100% in a few years if you get my drift. On the plus side though she has stopped wearing those conical bustiers so there may be hope for her yet, although, I did hear that she got great reception and could pick up AM stations from as far away as Tibet. I wonder if those things work with DirectTV? But I digress. Many of my best friends are Jews, I can't think of any of their names right now, but I did hear a good joke with a rabbi in it last week.


Rosh HaShannah morning, the synagouge is packed and the devil decides to pay a visit.


The doors burst open, and a rolling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Rabbi, the other is an elderly farmer.


Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Rabbi and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in G-d's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"


The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"


What I'm trying to say here is give little Madonna/Esther/Ciccone (hmmm Cic_cone, that might explain it) the break she needs. Here's wishing you steady hands at the next bris.


Sincerely,


Stew Miller
Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas

Weekend off...

As you may have guessed, we took a weekend off. It wasn't by design or anything, but rather from sheer exhaustion (and also from the fact that I seem to be the only one with a regular Internet connection from home.)

Many things happened this weekend, from the awful earthquake in Asia to World Cup qualifications to more banal and self-promoting stories about celebrities, who, dissatisfied with the inordinate amounts of attention they already receive, conspire with their half-weasel publicists to get their name in the news for a variety of insipid reasons.

It doesn't help that we have a wing of the media totally committed to covering celebrity news in the same way that Hare Krisnas are totally committed to shaving their heads and handing out flowers at airports while smiling derangedly. Watching a "reporter" slavishly interviewing a celebrity about the walkthrough they did in a recent motion picture, or seeing paparazzi agitatedly mill about a pop musician the way flies orbit a sow's head, is a truly nauseating experience.

Now, I don't think that all celebrities should be blamed. There are people who don't enjoy the voyeristic gaze of the celebrity media vultures, and they are to be commended for appreciating and desiring some semblance of normality in their lives. These are the people who don't go clubbing in downtown Hollywood at all hours, or turn up for every single celebrity event, no matter how inane or ridiculous (I'm trying to think of a representative example, but they all seem to come to mind.)

Of course, being a celebrity is necessary for some people. Singers and actors have to keep their name in the limelight because, alas, sales of albums and movie tickets aren't generated by quality reviews or artistic integrity. Instead, based on the actions of some celebrities, they seem more driven by how many times they can put their foot in their mouths on national TV (Paging Mr. West), or cock-up their relationships by being seen publicly in the arms of someone they aren't married too. This latter strategy seems to be the collective pasttime of celebrities and their publicists, who seem to enjoy the game of "there's nothing wrong with their relationship", "they've amicably split", and "the restraining order was filed yesterday."

So the public is to blame as well, because we're the ones who blankly and consistently stare at the TV whenever someone famous sticks their head out of a limo (well, not me personally...I'm just looking for source material for this blog.) We can do better. Turn off Enterainment Tonight and E! Hollywood. Burn that copy of Variety in effigy! Go to the Oscars red carpet and rhymically chant "You're just not that important!" Show up at the MTV Movie and Video awards with signs supporting Henyrk Gorecki and Placido Domingo! Attend an episode of Saturday Night Live and don't drunkenly laugh at every single lame joke!

You can make a difference! Stand up for quality! Read this blog every day! (Well, you can't expect every suggestion to be a paragon of aesthetic virtue.)