It finally happen! Yes, my movie which I have been secretly working on and writing and executive producing has been filmed and is, as they say, "in the can." Yes, Danny Devito the Motion Picture is coming to many theaters nearby to where you living. Of course, there were some disappointments along the way. For example, my first choice to play Danny Devito, Danny Devito, was not available, and neither were my second, third, fourth or my fifth through twenty ninth choices. That's not a problem, though, because we find this guy at the mall who live under a bridge, and he willing to play Danny Devito in exchange for free ice cream and a new shirt. Also, I was disappointed when my first choice for director, Steven Speilberg, didn't even return my phone call or look in my direction at Cannes when I yelling at him, but that's not too bad. Instead, we get this high school student who very involved in his AV department to direct.
But these things happen in the Hollywood experience, so don't let it dampen your desires to go see this movie one, two and three times with the beautiful lady and the popcorn. It is the truth-based story of Danny Devito struggling to become the hit star of our century. Here is a choice scene from the movie where Danny struggling to make it.
INT. -- EXOTIC CAFE IN SEEDY NEIGHBORHOOD -- AFTERNOON
DANNY DEVITO -- (gripping the forehead of himself) How you going to say, I will never become the big star like I was dreaming to become. It so hard when the family farm going bankrupt and the dog jump in front of train to save my life and he getting runned over flat.
ARDMORE DEVITO -- No, don't even begin to keep on thinking of talk about such tragedies, Danny! The dog is in a special kind of heaven for the life-saving dog, and the farm need to go bankrupt because dad growing the illegal drugs there. So, you see, all is well.
DANNY DEVITO -- (takes a bite of prosciutto) You are so right, brother Ardmore. I would not survive the terrible mind problems if I didn't have the caring family to guide me leftwards to the right path. Now, if only I could get the prom queen to marry me!
ARDMORE DEVITO -- The prom queen is a man, baby, a man!
DANNY DEVITO -- (wipes his parmesan-coated hands on his pants) Whew! That's a relief. I will forget about her. Come on, let's go storm Hollywood Studio B and demand that Orson Welles give me a role in his new movie!
ARDMORE DEVITO -- Uh oh, here comes the raptor!
DANNY DEVITO -- No, no, not that dagnab raptor again! He already ate my pet horse, MeatyHoof, and attacked those kids on that dinosaur island.
(The raptor enter the restaurant and begin to stalk Danny Devito. People screaming, scrambling, throwing tables left and right, cops shoot at drug dealers and vampires fly back and forth.)
DANNY DEVITO -- You will not steal my dreams of fame, Raptor! I don't care that they use my DNA mingle with the dinosaur DNA to create you.
RAPTOR -- Danny, I am your son!
DANNY DEVITO -- No, you are not! You eated everyone who ever care about me!
RAPTOR -- Oh, I never!
(Raptor eats Ardmore Devito)
RAPTOR -- (belch) Oops. Well, really, he looked so tasty!
DANNY DEVITO -- This is the end of the road, Raptor!
(Danny open fire with .44 Magnum. Raptor dodge the bullets in slow motion. Danny Devito run out of bullets and throw gun at Raptor. Gun hit Raptor in the head, Raptor whimper and fall down)
DANNY DEVITO -- (embracing the dying Raptor) Oh, my son, what have I done? My son! My son! I take it back!
RAPTOR -- (gasping and sweating) All I wanted was to be in your movie...ack!
DANNY DEVITO -- (weeping and shaking his fist at the sky) Curse you, Orson Welles! Curse you forever!
So you see, it will be a powerful movie. Man, I cried just now reading it. That guy from the mall really did a good job playing Danny. We paint him white so he look more like an ostrich egg, and he bring a tear to every eye in the world. Get ready, my fans. Get ready.