If you're not Donald Trump, check out our archives below. If you are Donald Trump, fix your hair before you do that. Please.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Speaking of obsessed...

Juan Carlos, your fascination for all things DeVito never ceases to amaze. From your singleminded, Quixotic quest to film the life story of the 4' 10" (wink) mini-mega-star, to your investigation into his purported affiliation with those freaky breathalizer cultists on the website you said you wouldn't link to.

Also, what's with the font change, in the middle of the article? Have the breathytarians taken hold of your astral form, ethereal self, or whatever they call it when the drugs start to take effect? You know we have strict standards here. It's either the standard font, Comic Book Sans, or Giant Feral Cat Excelsior Bold. No, I have not discovered a DeVito Arial yet, though I'll keep looking (HA!)

Move on my friend. If you have to, pull away from this DeVito mania slowly. Rhea Perlman is worth at least a dozen articles or so.

Amandla!

People are always talking about how this celebrity's sad devotion to his strange religious belief are making him act the, how you going to say, nutball crazy loon-loon weird weird funny times man guy, right? He have the public meltdown on the Sally Finty Gorphael show in Oxygen Network and pump the fist in air and jump on chair, screaming, the hairs going in fourteen diff'rent directions and the nose crinkling. Yes, he get squirted with a sour cream gun at the premiere of his fabulous autobiographical movie premiere (the movie where he is played by that guy from the mall who got himself the, how you going to say, free ice cream and t-shirt to play him). He dancing on 42nd Street and throwing dimes at police horses and sewer dogs. Yes, he just generally going crazy. Also, he getted engaged to a fine ripe watermelon he buy at the Kroger and painted the face on it with the acrylic paint so it look like a super hot version of the Phyllis Diller. It is all attributable to his strange religious beliefs. Yes, you know who am talking about I, right? Correct. The Danny Devito, of course. And, yes, just like Harvey Keitel and Moxie Carbindle and Loosie Fhlapp and Obersturmbannführer Cranston Klausenheimer, he have joined the new celebrity religion craze which is called the Breatharianism. I would link you to a web site about this strange new belief system, but I fear you will be suck into it's lies and, like Devito egg, will begin not to eat but to absorb prana out of the ether waves instead, and you will go to visit the Breatharian Celebrity Center in San Mateo, where they give liniment neck rubs and salad fork foot intensings to make the prana absorb faster. Don't do it! Even if it is true that the croutons are extra garlicy and crunchy there, they are telling the, how you going to say, lies! LIES! LIES! I never want you to see it. I will never post a link! Never! NEVER! Actually, yes, I will. Ding!

Friday, June 24, 2005

Speaking of humiliation...

...I have posted about both Oprah and Martha Stewart within a 36 hour period. Excuse me while I check to see if all my anatomy is correctly placed.

Update: The good news, everything is there and in working order (so far as I know). Unfortunately, I suspect there will be a breaking story about Barbara Streisand any minute that will need responding to. I'm praying for some really freaky sports or political news to get me out of this rut.

Steamed Oprah

No it's not an unusual Irish entree' to plate with the Colcannon and bacon. Rather, Oprah Winfrey, star of daytime television and the occasional movie (so as to keep up the Oscar tickets) is angry with luxury store Hermes for not allowing her in to shop in their Paris boutique after the store had closed for the evening.

Let me repeat that. Oprah is mad because they did not allow her to come into shop AFTER THE STORE HAD CLOSED FOR THE EVENING. What's next, showing up at a swanky eatery at 3 a.m. and fuming because there was no one awake and there to whip up a plate of escargot and pate du foie gras to satisfy a late night craving? Arriving at Disneyland at 2 a.m. and sending Michael Eisner and Roy Disney nasty letters because Space Mountain wasn't open?

Hermes personnel responded that they had informed Ms. Winfrey that they were closed for a public relations meeting. Oprah's "best pal and traveling companion" (English translation: Hanger-on and/or lackey), Gayle King, said, "People were in the store and they were shopping. Oprah was at the door and she was not allowed into the store... It was one of the most humiliating moments of her life." Remember though that list apparently also includes David Letterman saying "Oprah, Uma..." at the Academy Awards. Lord knows Oprah's been through truly awful stuff in her youth, but apparently time and vast, uncountable piles of money skew one's perspective.

Her Majesty Oprah told Hermes that she would no longer do business with them and promptly cancelled the order of a purse as retribution against the firm. That'll show 'em.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Stew, I think you were right about Manfred...

...and this picture confirms your suspicions. I wonder if Kofi Annan is aware of this? He acts like he's so out of the loop these days.



P.S. I got the photo from Dan Rather, so it must be good.
Posted by Hello

The Apprentice, Episode II: Martha Strikes Back

Stew is certainly keeping me busy this week. Allow me to add some suggestions for Martha Stewart's version of Donald Trump's "You're fired!" as she takes over the coiffure-challenged businessman's freaky human resources gig:

10. "Depart from mine presence yon excrementally pathetic loser!"

9. "Apprentice? I wouldn't let you make doilies for me!"

8. "Where'd I put my shiv?"

7. "Leggo of my Eggo!"

6. "You've been traded to Best Buy."

5. "I've given you up to the feds."

4. "I'm having you neutered."

3. "Kiss my grits!"

2. "Vous êtes mis le feu !" ("You're fired!" in French.)

1. "It's not a good thing."

Summer Blockbuster Busting Blocks All Over America

It finally happen! Yes, my movie which I have been secretly working on and writing and executive producing has been filmed and is, as they say, "in the can." Yes, Danny Devito the Motion Picture is coming to many theaters nearby to where you living. Of course, there were some disappointments along the way. For example, my first choice to play Danny Devito, Danny Devito, was not available, and neither were my second, third, fourth or my fifth through twenty ninth choices. That's not a problem, though, because we find this guy at the mall who live under a bridge, and he willing to play Danny Devito in exchange for free ice cream and a new shirt. Also, I was disappointed when my first choice for director, Steven Speilberg, didn't even return my phone call or look in my direction at Cannes when I yelling at him, but that's not too bad. Instead, we get this high school student who very involved in his AV department to direct.

But these things happen in the Hollywood experience, so don't let it dampen your desires to go see this movie one, two and three times with the beautiful lady and the popcorn. It is the truth-based story of Danny Devito struggling to become the hit star of our century. Here is a choice scene from the movie where Danny struggling to make it.

INT. -- EXOTIC CAFE IN SEEDY NEIGHBORHOOD -- AFTERNOON

DANNY DEVITO -- (gripping the forehead of himself) How you going to say, I will never become the big star like I was dreaming to become. It so hard when the family farm going bankrupt and the dog jump in front of train to save my life and he getting runned over flat.

ARDMORE DEVITO -- No, don't even begin to keep on thinking of talk about such tragedies, Danny! The dog is in a special kind of heaven for the life-saving dog, and the farm need to go bankrupt because dad growing the illegal drugs there. So, you see, all is well.

DANNY DEVITO -- (takes a bite of prosciutto) You are so right, brother Ardmore. I would not survive the terrible mind problems if I didn't have the caring family to guide me leftwards to the right path. Now, if only I could get the prom queen to marry me!

ARDMORE DEVITO -- The prom queen is a man, baby, a man!

DANNY DEVITO -- (wipes his parmesan-coated hands on his pants) Whew! That's a relief. I will forget about her. Come on, let's go storm Hollywood Studio B and demand that Orson Welles give me a role in his new movie!

ARDMORE DEVITO -- Uh oh, here comes the raptor!

DANNY DEVITO -- No, no, not that dagnab raptor again! He already ate my pet horse, MeatyHoof, and attacked those kids on that dinosaur island.

(The raptor enter the restaurant and begin to stalk Danny Devito. People screaming, scrambling, throwing tables left and right, cops shoot at drug dealers and vampires fly back and forth.)

DANNY DEVITO -- You will not steal my dreams of fame, Raptor! I don't care that they use my DNA mingle with the dinosaur DNA to create you.

RAPTOR -- Danny, I am your son!

DANNY DEVITO -- No, you are not! You eated everyone who ever care about me!

RAPTOR -- Oh, I never!

(Raptor eats Ardmore Devito)

RAPTOR -- (belch) Oops. Well, really, he looked so tasty!

DANNY DEVITO -- This is the end of the road, Raptor!

(Danny open fire with .44 Magnum. Raptor dodge the bullets in slow motion. Danny Devito run out of bullets and throw gun at Raptor. Gun hit Raptor in the head, Raptor whimper and fall down)

DANNY DEVITO -- (embracing the dying Raptor) Oh, my son, what have I done? My son! My son! I take it back!

RAPTOR -- (gasping and sweating) All I wanted was to be in your movie...ack!

DANNY DEVITO -- (weeping and shaking his fist at the sky) Curse you, Orson Welles! Curse you forever!

END

So you see, it will be a powerful movie. Man, I cried just now reading it. That guy from the mall really did a good job playing Danny. We paint him white so he look more like an ostrich egg, and he bring a tear to every eye in the world. Get ready, my fans. Get ready.

OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DOO I've got a perfect puzzle for you.

Not to get into the politics of the whole Guantanamo Bay thing, but I just saw this article on the UN sending some representative there. His name is Manfred but I'm not sure he represents the UN. I think he more than likely represents Willa Wonka Chocolate.

She's not makin' license plates anymore...

The woman that can take a box of Rice-A-Roni and turn it into an elegant risotto is looking for a catchphrase. Martha Stewart, the ex-con, is taking over the reins of The Apprentice in September and wants an expression of finality to replace Trumps famous “You’re fired”. Always the ones to lend a hand we have thought up a top ten list, and again if Earl wants to expand and expound, please do.

10. “Don’t drop the soap.”

9. “You’ve missed the blue-light special.”

8.“You won’t need the fish fork.”

7. “I’ll have your legs broken.” (sorry, this what she said to Douglas Faneuil)

6. “Try the salmon mousse.”

5. “You're red wine at a fish fry."

4. “I’ll cut out her heart for ten packs of smokes.” (sorry again, this concerned a prison acquaintance)

3. “Try sellin’ towels at K-mart.”

2. “I've got an insider tip for ya, get lost.”


1. "The Queen is NOT amused."

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

More Spicey Suggestions

Since Stew has requested some more Spice suggestions (he is really ready for that Spice Girls reunion) and since Juan Carlos and Zimpter are about as readily found these days as Amelia Earhart, I have decided to assist the Miller man. Below are some more suggestions for how to resolve Live 8's Spice dilemma.

  • Sweet and Sour Spice - Actually this would be Lindsey Lohan again. When she's good, she's very good, but when she's bad, well loose garments and dating second-tier Fox sitcom stars says it all.
  • All Spice - All the other musical participants at Live 8 take Scary's place, making for some really chaotic dance numbers.
  • 5 Spice - The Jackson 5 reunite to cover for Mel B., except for Michael, who is ensconsed in the bowels of Neverland, celebrating his innocent verdict with the bones of John Merrick and a chimpanzee named Wee Wee.
  • Hot Spice - The Spice Girls add a fifth purely based on looks and sexiness, instead of singing talent. Oh, wait...that's how they got the other four, isn't it?
  • Spunky Spice - 1984 Olympic Gold Medalist Mary Lou Retton tumbles her way into the music business, gray hairs and all.
  • Spice Islands - Can the Spice Girls handle controversial Indonesian sensation Inul without breaking a hip trying to keep up with her?
  • Funky Spice - Visualise this with me: The 4 remaining Spice Girls backing up James Brown.

Zimpter? Juan Carlos? (not the Spanish King, who is secretly known as "Royal Spice")

EXTRA!! EXTRA!!

We interrupt our regularly scheduled monotony to bring you this newsflash. The unveiling of the long awaited 25 ft. tall, 17 ton frozen Snapple popsicle in Union Square is about to take place. We now take you to DOUI Radio’s man in the street, Will Ubeequiet, for the happy ceremony.

Will, tell us what is going on down there.”

Well Stew, it’s just an amazing sight down here in Union Square, people are in a festival mood of course awaiting the big unveiling of this frozen behemoth. The crane is holding up the treat as we speak with chains and ropes. There are a number of men holding the ropes of the shroud, for want of a better word, and they seem to be close to exposing it, again for want of a better word. The sun is shining brightly today and it is a beautiful day to enjoy viewing a 17 ton frozen novelty bar.

It’s melting! It’s melting and it’s coming down! It’s melting horrible! Oh my! Get out of the way, please! The juice is coming down and it’s washing through the Square now! This is the worst catastrophe we’ve seen since Ishtar! There’s a bum trying to drink some of the juice and he’s being washed away, it’s terrible. There’s a sickly sweet smell and the juice is ruining people’s footwear now… Oh, the humanity, and all the people are running and screaming and they have to be put off of fruit bars now. I, I can’t go on."

Horrible indeed, horrible indeed. (With apologies to any Hindenburg disaster victims and Les Nessman’s flying turkeys)

That's a Spicey meatball!!!!!

While perusing the Yahoo entertainment section looking for cannon fodder I found this item concerning the Spice Girls and the Live 8 concert. It seems that "Scary Spice" or as her friends know here "Mel B", or as her school chums knew here Melanie Brown, is wary of a reunion with her old bandmates and may not participate in the show. While this would, of course, be a tragedy of epic proportions maybe even rivaling Tina Louise skipping out on Rescue from Gilligan's Island, we figure that it may rank a little lower. Certainly she can be replaced by another spice, perhaps nutmeg or saffron could do the job. Seriously, we want to help out Bob and Live 8 as much as possible so we are preparing another list of candidates.

Old Spice - perhaps Barbra Streisand or Cher could join? hmmm?

Curry Spice - I'm sure there is a large contingent of Indian Bollywood performers ready to help out.

Spice Channel - There must be an adult film star out there that can at least carry a tune, Geri Halliwell must know someone.

Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice - maybe Lindsay Lohan????

Spice of Life - Variety can put out the interview call for a new Spice Girl.

Spicey Meatball - anyone know what Tony Danza is up to?

Earl, Juan, or Zimpter... got any other ideas?

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Greatest Film Quotes of All Time? Ha!

Tonight on CBS, the American Film Institute, as a warm up to their fête for George Lucas on Saturday (Entitled From Bald Robert Duvall in THX1138 to C3PO in the Star Wars Sextology: The Cranial Cinema of George Lucas) has presented their list of the Greatest 100 lines from 100 Years of Cinema. This despite the fact that the earliest quote is from the beginning of the sound era, in 1927. (Brilliant title, lads.) I guess quips don't have the same impact on silent film titles as they do with audio.

Anyway, I'm positive they missed some of the truly great and memorable lines, and I've done my bit to list a top twenty of my own below. Compare and contrast them with AFI's list (Update: The top 100 quotes are now available here. They weren't when I posted originally. Here are the 400 quotes they chose from.) :

1. "Arrgghh, Chief...I'm bitten in half, just like a stale Kit Kat bar!" - Robert Shaw, Jaws

2. "I got your Good Ship Lollipop right here, you %&$#!!" - Shirley Temple, Bright Eyes

3. "Supercalifragilisticexpealidosious!" - Michael Palin, A Fish Called Wanda

4. "Do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do you? Hey, where'd you get that uzi? Aaaaggghh!!!!" - Clint Eastwood, Dirty Harry

5. "Sometimes, I just want to cry into my pillow and then eat a gallon of fudge ripple ice cream." - Russell Crowe, Gladiator

6. "One of these days, I'm just going to go buck nutty and waste a bunch of these creeps!" - Katherine Hepburn, On Golden Pond

7. "No, you're chasing the chicken because I'm hungry! I haven't eaten a good meal in the three weeks I been training you, ya welching bum!" - Burgess Meredith, Rocky

8. "For the last time, this is my natural hair color dammit!" - Halle Berry, X-Men

9. "Quite honestly, Kant's Categorical Imperative is simply a pretentious attempt to incorporate the ethical onotological foundations of religiousity without the metaphysical apriori reasoning...pass me a bonbon, hon." - Marilyn Monroe, The Seven Year Itch

10. "It is not the dark side, fear I no...it is this deep possession of my soul, yes, by a monster named Grover, furry he is!" - Yoda, Star Wars: Episode Something or other (Does it really matter?)

11. "I'm tired of dressing up as a bat. Why can't I just go out one night dressed as Homer Simpson and fight crime that way?" - Val Kilmer, Batman Forever

12. "Hulk Smash!!!" - Woody Allen, Hannah and Her Sisters

13. "From what I can see, you need a complete catastrophic insurance plan as well as life and homeowners insurance. I think that will address your needs better than a murder plot and some silly dalliance with an old insurance guy like me" - Fred MacMurray, Double Indemnity

14. "I was gonna make him an offer he couldn't refuse, but I decided to make him a Bundt cake instead. Angel Food...he's gonna love it!" - Marlon Brando, The Godfather

15. "Sometimes, I just wanna wrestle women in the mud and mire." - Tony Randall, The Odd Couple

16. "Gort, Klaatu Barada...what was that last word? Niko? Nike? Noogie? AAAAAAGGGHHH!!!!" - Patricia Neal, The Day the Earth Stood Still

17. "Frankly, these lifts don't do anything for me... and how am I supposed to accessorize for these bolts?" - Boris Karloff, Frankenstein

18. "They call me Mr. Tengszuolianderfraffengill III, heir to the Dutchy of Northumbria!" - Sidney Poitier, In the Heat of the Night

19. "Me love you long time!" - Margaret Dumont, A Day at the Races

20. "I'm wet, I'm hysterical, and I'm in pain!" - Gene Kelly, Singin' in the Rain

The Lord of the Sing(er)s

Summary of The Fellowship of those that Sings

Down the street from Middle Earth lived a singer named Bono Baggins. He was very famous in the Shire as a vocalist of renown and the wealthiest of Hobbits. Bono went to see his friend, Geldof the wizard, who he knew could help him round up a fellowship of singers to defeat the evils of third world debt.

Geldof the wise enlisted the help of many various orcs, humans, elves, and Madonna to ring out their voices in the cause of justice. However, Geldof the White was criticized for not making the fellowship properly hued, because apparently jaundice doesn’t count. So, with much haste did Geldof employ the talents of Sir Big Willy from Philly to rouse the hip-hop and R&B Ents from their slumber to come to the aid of his massive ego.

Geldof the White then made his way to various cities in Middle Earth to raise awareness of the plight of those in third worldly places even going so far as to antagonize the Pope with a cry of “I don’t want a picture, I want him to come to Edinburgh.” Geldof now summons the fellowship and everyone else who doesn’t have a day job; to the crash the gates of the evil tower of the G8 and demand that they wipe out debt so that it will never again burden the land.

Let’s hope and pray that Geldof, Bono, and Branjelina have as much success as is humanly possible in their venture.

Monday, June 20, 2005

$500?

Stew has/had $500? Who knew? Was it Canadian?

Also, I may or may not have a post this evening. The missus and I are celebrating our 13th wedding anniversay today. So it's dinner and a movie. Unfortunately, The War of the Worlds isn't out yet. I read somewhere that Tom Cruise's character gets squirted with an extraterrestial water gun and counterattacks by leaping from a giant couch onto one of the saucers, which he then batters repeatedly with a copy of Dianetics.

It may not be good cinema, but it is unique, in its own hairbrained, lunatic, cultish way.

Also, I heard that Katie Holmes makes an uncredited appearance in the film as a rather shapely floor lamp that Tom keeps turning on and off during a crucial scene. What's up with that?

"Tomkat" is all wet

Some ne'er-do-wells in England have played a joke on the fidgety Tom Cruise during the opening of his latest film War of the Worlds, a remake of the 60's comedy (or was it a drama) Mars Needs Women. Anyway, old Tommy was spayed in the face by a water gun toting funnyman who works on a new comedy show for Channel 4 in the UK, that apparently has as its aim getting one of its crew killed. Anyone who knows Tom Cruise understands that this fellow was taking his life in his hands for being "rude" as Tom likes to put it. The Englishman can thank his lucky stars that Katie Holmes wasn't in the area or Tom may have had the guy neutralized. I was able to catch up to Tom at the Admiral's Club in Heathrow.

Stew: So Tom, crazy thing that guy with the water gun at the premiere. What was that all about?

Tom: That was so rude, I intend to have the guy brought up on assault charges and sent to the Tower of London if at all possible.

Stew: I don't know if they still use that, anyway, do you see...

Tom: Wanna arm wrestle?

Stew: Not really, no.

Tom: [sobbing] Man, it's just that I love Katie so much. Have you ever read anything by L. Ron Hubbard?

Stew: No, but I hear you're big into Scientology. What's that all about?

Tom: Oh man, it's about personal and spiritual awakening and stuff. Hot stuff man, hot, hot, hot. Wanna feel my bicep, go ahead, like steel man?! [Jumping up on the couch]

Waitress: Sir, you can't do that in the Admiral's Club.

Tom: Oh yeah, are you being rude? I hate rudeness. Let me talk to the Admiral.

Waitress: But we don't...

Tom: [ in her face] Now!!

Waitress: I'll see if he's available.

Tom: That's more like it. Let's see what this old salt says about his crew mistreating people.

Stew: Tom, do you realize you're entirely naked and standing on a cigarette machine?

Tom: Are you being rude?

At that point I was thrown out of the Admiral's Club, not because of Tom but because of the forged credentials and $500 bribe I used to get in.

(Here's a little preview of "War of the Worlds", what great CGI work. Click on the "Preview" link.)