It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Here There Be Monsters

(River Monsters Theme Music)

TITLE: River Monsters

(Shot of host JEREMY WADE, reeling in a six-foot catfish.)

JEREMY WADE (voice over): I'm Jeremy Wade...

(Shot of JEREMY WADE holding up an enormous gar fish)

JEREMY WADE (voice over): ...biologist...

(Shot of JEREMY WADE, holding a saber and fencing with a swordfish)

JEREMY WADE (voice over): ...writer...

(Shot of JEREMY WADE hauling in a Great White Shark with a butterfly net)

JEREMY WADE (voice over): ...and extreme angler.

(Shot of Jeremy's Producer, MARTIN PERCHBRITCHES, standing on the bank of a river in Africa. JEREMY is behind him, fishing.)

MARTIN: ...And I'm Jeremy's producer, Martin Perchbritches. Tonight, we're going to show you just what goes into to making an episode of River Monsters.

TITLE: River Monsters: [Graphic Overlay fly-in] Behind the Scenes

(Return to shot of Jeremy's producer, standing on the bank. JEREMY is still behind him, patiently fishing.)

MARTIN: There's a lot of effort and love that goes into these productions...

(As Martin speaks, we can see that Jeremy has got something on the line.)

MARTIN: ...Jeremy travels to remote and difficult locations...

(JEREMY is digging his heels in, as whatever is on the line puts up a fierce battle.)

MARTIN: ...and does all this with a doggedly loyal camera crew in tow.

(Suddenly, JEREMY is yanked off of the bank and goes flying through the air, into the water.)

MARTIN: All because of the tremendous spirit of one man (turns to look at JEREMY), Jeremy W... wait a tic, where's he gone?

(Camera pans to river, where JEREMY is in waist-deep water, wrestling an 12 foot long Sawfish.)

JEREMY: It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fish!...

(CUT TO MARTIN, sitting in a outdoor restaurant in Lima, Peru.)

MARTIN: Jeremy can get very excited when he's fishing. It's up to us to balance that energy and the demands of a one-hour show.

(Shot of JEREMY, fishing from a small boat, with a rod and reel)

MARTIN (voice over): For example, most of his larger catches take a tremendous amount of time to land.

(Suddenly, the line goes taut and starts to reel out as a fish takes the bait.)

JEREMY: Fish on! Fish on! It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fish! Fish on! It's a fish! It's a fish!...(fades)

MARTIN (voice over): Depending on how much sleep he's had and how good a breakfast, Jeremy can go on shouting about a catch for quite a long time.

(Shot of JEREMY with rod and reel, battling to reel the fish in)

CAPTION: Four hours later

JEREMY: ...It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fish! Fish on! Fish on! It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fish!...

(CUT TO MARTIN, standing on a hillside, by a large lake in Saskatchewan, Canada. JEREMY is fishing in the background.)

MARTIN: Then, there's the sheer danger of Jeremy casting his rod and reel into an unknown tributary or lake...

(In the background, JEREMY has hooked something again and agitatedly starts to reel in his catch.)

MARTIN: It's the mystery and the danger of it all. The suspense of wondering what's down there in the depths....

(Suddenly, a SASQUATCH comes out of the water, hooked to Jeremy's line. They begin to wrestle.)

MARTIN (Without looking behind): ...never knowing what might come out.

(The SASQUATCH judo flips JEREMY.)

(CUT TO JEREMY, MARTIN, and CREW sitting at a table, with pictures of various large, ugly, dangerous looking fish)

MARTIN: (Voice over) We spend hours looking at potential river monsters and setting up new challenges for Jeremy.

MARTIN (in shot): How about piranha, Jeremy? Would you be willing to stand in a river with them?

JEREMY: Well, unless they're agitated it might be all right.

MARTIN: How about the flesh eating longfin eels? These things bunch up in swarms.Would you swim with them?

JEREMY: The right kind of suit and protective clothing, and it would be just fine.

MARTIN: What about this fish, the red bellied Pacu? Would you be willing to get in the water with that one? It's said to have bitten off a man's willy.

JEREMY: (Falling out of chair) (Expletive deleted) no (Expletive deleted)! You get in the (Expletive deleted) (Expletive deleted) water with those (Expletive deleted) (Expletive deleted), you (Expletive deleted).
(Long pause) Still, it would give a new meaning to the phrase, "Fish on!"

MARTIN (voice over): Jeremy always has a wonderful sense of humour about these things.

(Cut to JEREMY, standing at the bow of an old pirate ship, wearing an eye patch. He has a parrot on his shoulder.)

MARTIN: There were some episodes that didn't work out. For example, tracking down the Kraken.

(Large tentacle swoops out of the water)

JEREMY: It's a fish! It's a fish! It's a fish!...

(CUT TO MARTIN sitting in a restaurant in Peru)

MARTIN: He would have had the Kraken, if only he'd brought his 20,000 lb. test reel. Instead he went with the lasso and harpoon. (Long pause) It cost him his parrot.

(Shot of JEREMY in a corner of the ship, covered in bright colored feathers, wiping tears from his eyes with the eye patch.)

MARTIN (voice over): He was inconsolable.

(Shot of JEREMY, standing on top of a mountain in Nepal, with a large rod and reel in hand)

MARTIN: (voice over) Still, at the end of the day, he master them all: shark, pacu, snakehead, pirahna, swordfish, sawfish, catfish, dogfish, parrotfish, bream, monkfish, tuna, cod, hallibut, eel, (fades into the background) tilapia, haddie, fugu, salmon...

TITLE: River Monsters

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