You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Going Out in Style

So, the Fando's were sitting around a table in one of our favourite Chinese establishments this evening, the one from my novel if you must know, when the subject of death came up.

No, no one had travelled the road of bad sushi or bit into a bit of underdone twice-cooked pork. In fact we had been talking about Harry Potter and how various personality types would respond in sombre or mournful situations. We then began to discuss what we might like to have happen at our funerals, which I must admit, did put me off of the Mongolian BBQ.

I say we, but I mean the missus and I. The Littlest Fando, like all healthy children, views herself with a fairly sound air of indestructibility, relying on we, her parents, to constantly worry about all manner of danger, and the powers of youth to cover the rest. It's rather disconcerting to write this sort of thing, but then I am one of the ones whose job it is to worry so the little one can carry on with Runescape, wonderful children's books, and awful Disney and Nickelodeon television. Except SpongeBob Squarepants and Ned's Declassified. We've actually grown to like those. In fact, I think the consensus at our home is that Ned and Mose are destined to be together. Susie's cute enough but Ned needs someone he can confide in... but I digress.

Anyway, after this discussion, I have decided that there are three things I am definitely certain I'd like to happen at my funeral.

1. I know the two or three people who I'd like to speak. One of them is Stew, but only if he promises to use the words "slaphappy," "idiosyncratic," and "Arsenal" in the eulogy.

2. I want to have an open casket funeral. I'm still deciding what would be the best gag: To be buried naked or to have the morticians set my body to be winking and pointing at the onlookers in that really crass way that overambitious young businessmen mistakenly think is "ingratiating."

3. I want the music to be really, really long. Mahler's 3rd Symphony comes to mind (90 minutes of music) and that's just for openers. I want people looking at their watches during my funeral ...the ones who'll dare.

After all, why go out quietly?

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Sunday, March 25, 2007

The Best of DOUI for 2006

At last we've finally got to this. Another year of DOUI has come and gone, and been gone for 3 months now. While many say good riddance, we prefer to look back over 2006's twists, turns, and comedic groin pulls with fond adoration... so deal with it.

Here are our choices for the Best of The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas for 2006...finally. Look for yourselves. It was a hell of a strange year.

First off... The Top 28

The rest of the best...