It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Saturday, April 30, 2005

If only I hadn't taken that wrong turn at Albequerque!

Jennifer Wilbanks, the Georgia bride-to-be who went missing this past week, has turned up in Albequerque, New Mexico. At first she claimed to have been kidnapped outside a Quickee Mart whilst incapacitated by a Slushee brain freeze, but, after being questioned by police, confessed to having run away.

She expressed that she was troubled that her wedding was growing out of control, what with 14 bridesmaids and groomsmen each, over 600 guests, liturgical dancers, a horsedrawn carriage, 2000 doves to be released at the words "I do", a fireworks display and laser light show, the Thunderbirds, the Vienna Boys Choir, the Atlanta Philharmonic, a reception catered by Wolfgang Puck and Gordon Ramsey, the Queen Mary II, a life-size replica of the Eiffel Tower with the words "Congratulations Jennifer and John" painted on the main platform in gold, Pope Benedict XVI and Billy Graham conducting the service, a Civil War battle re-enactment, and a limo the size of Rhode Island. She pointed out that she had maxed out at least two credit cards for the doves alone.

Police began to suspect that her claims to having been kidnapped were not truthful when she described how the kidnappers drove her to Switzerland before taking a military submarine back to the United States, via Burma. Albequerque Police Chief Giuseppe' Flair noted, "We knew she was lying because Switzerland ain't got no navy." Wilbanks then claimed that the submarine was leased from Albania, which confused the police for 14 hours until she added, "No, I'm just kidding...you've got me cold."

Wilbanks had disguised herself by cutting her hair. She also wore glasses, a painted on mustache and a cigar. Several people had noticed her but dismissed her as just one of many of Albequerque's female Groucho impersonators, although at least two people mistook her for a trimmed down Gene Shalit.

Wilbanks was not initially charged. Later though, police slapped her with a misdemeanor for theft of the garish towel she used to obscure the fact that the painted on mustache would not wash off.

Her finance was reported to have been relieved that she was OK, but crushed to discover that she preferred Albequerque to his planned honeymoon destination Dubuque, Iowa.

The Thing that is Next that is Big

Maybe you have seen the newest reality shows that are peppering the airways like fine specks of purest diamond upon the bloated satchel of a belly of a big old Danny Devito. I, Jorge Carlito Viejo--Snoop Jorgey Jorge to the friends of me--have become the biggest what you might call "fan" of these type shows. What amaze me about these shows is that the TV networks get to make the prurient show without having to pay actors or screenwriters. Man, that is two groups of salaries you can avoid paying, so that you, Mr. and Mrs. TV Executive, can easily pay for your next dinner of finted nodes and charnted glogs at Spago! So it impress me to see how the executives creating so many fine, perverted and useless television shows with so much less money or restraint. I can tell you for the certainty, Ralph Kramden never had as much fun as Flava Flav on Surreal Life or Charly Krumplenpuup on American Idol. Anyway, without further ado (well, actually, there will be a little more ado before I get to it) here are the favorite reality television type program shows of one Jorge Carlito Viejo (Snoop Jorgey Jorge to the, how you say, ladies). These are all the brandest new network shows.

America's Next Top Transvestite -- Hosted by Danny Devito in a sequined ballroom formal gown. This show is where the mens dress up like the ladies and prance onstage to prove which one is the ugliest possible man who can look like an ugly but genuinely female lady. My money goes to Beardy O'Stein who have the most delicate goatee but cover it with foundation make-up so you can't even tell when he play the ugliest lady.

Survivor (of Devito) -- Here is the show where 13 strangers are stranded in an elevator in the middle of a deserted island with nothing to eat but a huge economy size can of Pinto Beans and only one bent fork with which to eat, and also with an incontinent and diaper-clad, shirtless Danny Devito striding about in their midst making cracks, making noise and making odors. The last person to try to stab the Devito with the fork win $20 and maybe a new hat (subject to availability).

The Bachelor and His Devito -- Here is a show where a man and his Devito try to find true love. The man will date 15 different ladies, one at a time, then narrow the ladies down to just 1 lady. Then he will choose either to marry the lady or marry the Devito (in Vermont), or marry the lady to the Devito. Man, this show achieve a new level of prurience, but who can resist? Yes, me. No, wait, not me. You.

Scary Inbred People Eating Sausage Patties -- Here is a powerful new show, where a brave camera crew went to live with the inbred persons of a certain Arkansas town and filmed them over the course of many, many weeks...no, wait, I misspeak. Not weeks. Days. Many, many days. Oops, again I fail the test of truth. Not days. Hours. Okay, minutes. No, seconds. You got me. They filmed the inbreds for many, many seconds...well, thirty seconds to be exact. Yes, you heard me right, you belligerent demanders of truth! A camera crew went into a city in Boone County (which I won't name for the sake of certain persons affiliated with said town who prefer to remain anonymous but whose first initial is H. or possibly J. and whose second initial is Z. or possibly P.) and filmed some scary redneck types for thirty seconds, during which time the inbreds ate their breakfast of sausage patties, then noticed the cameras, got up, threw their plates at the camera crew, and then took naps. Somehow those thirty seconds of footage have been edited into twenty two half hour episodes with a John Williams musical score. Coming soon to UPN.

Go check out these new shows because if you do not, other shows will come along, lower quality shows (read: less Devito!). Don't fail us, American Television Viewer!!!!

Friday, April 29, 2005

Get your hands up and step away from the burrito!

Well it's good to see that police officers in Clovis, New Mexico are on top of their game. When a middle-school boy walked into school with a "long and wrapped" suspicious item, theClovis authorites, fearing the object might be a weapon, placed armed officers on the roofs and locked down the school.

As it turns out, the item in question was a 30-inch burrito. The boy had prepared it as part of an extra-credit assignment. Once the authorities realized, to the great relief of all, what it was, the police were able to stand down and the school was declared safe again.

Unfortunately, later in the day 30 students were temporarily overcome by massive quantities of gas, from which the burrito was later determined to be the source.

Life, Liberty, and Hissing like a Gila Monster

CNN reports that the FDA has just approved a new diabetes drug based on the saliva of the Gila Monster. The most common side effect is nausea, which generally occurs after patients find out that they've just been injected with the saliva of a Gila Monster.

There is no truth to the rumours, started here, that other side effects include a forked tongue, scaly skin, and sudden cravings for freshly killed rats.

Also, after checking, we have been assured that the key ingredient of the new drug is NOT obtained by french-kissing Gila Monsters. We realize that may be a disappointment to some of you who might have considered that as a career move.

Also, for those of you considering it, a "Kiss a Gila Monster" charity drive is strongly discouraged, as Gila Monsters are in fact quite poisonous.

Thursday, April 28, 2005

Life, Liberty, and Hissing like a Snake

Stew, I was looking over the cast list for Land of the Lost that you sent and noticed that John Locke was listed as well. I was certain that the famed English philosopher had passed on in 1704, but this evidence (despite the fact that the credit lists him as "Jon Locke" - clearly a typo) proves that not only was the creator of the phrase "life, liberty, and property" the world's oldest living man, but that he was an abysmal actor.

The people playing the Sleestaks on that programme are horrible, stiff and lurching throughout each episode. Bill Laimbeer I could see doing that, but not as discerning and intelligent man as Locke. Clearly, his mind was still preoccupied with just governance and the consent of the governed during his takes.

One positive note is that he was credited as the Sleestak leader (of course). So at least we know that, despite their sluggish brutality, the Sleestaks lived in a democracy.

I knew I had seen him somewhere before!

...and Bill Laimbeer was not a sleestack...

I was going to add that yesterday but apparently he was. Just look through the cast list here. I thought he looked familiar. Funny, I would have expected this from Dennis "The Worm" Rodman, but BILL LAIMBEER. Go figure.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Is that you Honorable Mr. Furley-San?

I was browsing Japan's NHK TV this evening (I say browsing because I only know one word in Japanese katakana) when I came upon what appears to be the Japanese version of Three's Company.

Now, one sneaky way to get a quick English translation on the WWW is to look at the titles of the web links or URLs for a page, because all URLs are in English/Roman Alphabet. The URL here is http://www.nhk.or.jp/hot/ Hot? You look at the picture and tell me. About as hot as the Guinness I'm sipping right now. (Brilliant! Sorry, I couldn't resist.)

Still, they are the perfect Japanese versions of (from left to right) Suzanne Somers, John Ritter, and the other one. (Really, she was cute, but can you think of her name, the poor wee lass?)

I think the title of the show translates to "Happy Bonzai Three-Way Living Arrangement with No Intimate Personal Relations between Roommates". If memory recalls, I think that was the exact TV Guide description of the first network airing of a Three's Company episode.

The strange thing is that Don Knotts plays Mr. Furley-san in this programme as well. He travels well, I'll say that for him.

Marshall, Will, and Holly on a routine expedition...

With word that Will Ferrell will star in an upcoming remake of the 70's Saturday morning hit Land of the Lost my mind harkens back to another story concerning Cha-Ka of the aforementioned program. The story relates how Rodney Sheppard of the band Sugar Ray had to 'fess up to not having been the hairy urchin (a.k.a. monkey boy) as he had listed in his biography on the band's website. Seems Phil Paley, who had donned the monkey suit and unappealing makeup, found it too much that he was not given credit, a dubious honor certainly. One has to wonder who was the more embarrassed by the whole incident. Be that as it may, we at DOUI have just completed exhaustive research to right the wrongs of misplaced '70s glory.

We must hereby let it be known that:

And last but not least, Ozzy Osbourne was not Captain Caveman.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

American Idol Unmasked!

According to Yahoo! TV News, ABC is preparing to air an hour-long news show covering what the network claims are "explosive" allegations regarding American Idol. I decided to call an old pal who just happens to be the friend of a barber of Charlie Gibson's neighbor's gardener. Using these deep inside connections, I was able to obtain a transcript containing portions of the programme.

************

Announcer: Tonight, a special Primetime Live - American Idol (Cut to Clay Aiken mussing his hair)...it's the hit talent show that's captured the attention of the nation. Young and talented adults from all over the country (Cut to William Hung clumsily attempting to dance and then falling into Paula Abdul's lap) have flocked to the program for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to break into the big time, without having to sleep with a record producer. (Cut to Simon Cowell shaking his head in disgust) However, is there a seamier side to this Star Search on steroids? (Cut to stock footage of Richard Nixon) John "I could have been Ricky Martin" Quinones investigates and finds some explosive new information (cut to shot of a large explosion from Terminator III: Rise of the Machines.)

************

John Quinones and a camera crew catch Simon Cowell as he comes out of the soundstage with an assistant.

John Quinones: Simon, just a few words please.

Simon Cowell: I'm sorry. I haven't the time.

Assistant: Mr. Cowell's a busy man. He has several people to insult today.

John Quinones: Simon, what do you have to say about the reports in the media detailing a former contestant's claims that you are "a much nicer person off camera than most people think".

Simon Cowell: What on earth are you talking about?

John Quinones: This former contestant claims that, after viciously berating him on camera, you consoled him afterwards, saying, "Don't feel so bad. I'm sure you have many talents that are worthwhile. Remember that your family and God love you and that you are a valuable member of society with something to offer the world." He also said that you served him a hot cup of tea and some Walker's biscuits, which he claimed were "quite good and refreshing", and that you gently patted him on the shoulder and offered a hanky.

Simon Cowell: I have no idea as to what you're talking about...

John Quinones: We also have these pictures. (Cut to pictures of Simon helping a little old lady across the street, Simon hammering a nail at what is obviously a Habitat for Humanity event, Simon laughing it up with Jerry Lewis during a Muscular Dystrophy telethon, Simon carrying a baby out of a burning building, Simon hugging Bono at a rally for debt relief, and Simon laughing and allowing a puppy to playfully lick him in the face.)

Simon Cowell: (pause) I... I... I hope you know John that those pictures are all fakes, and that the former contestant is a bloody liar. I mean come on, this interview is bloody awful. It's a load of rubbish. You come down here and try to perform like this in front of me and that's all you've got is "he said this and that" and some obviously Photoshop-altered pictures? You really thought you had what it takes to fluster ol' Simon?

(John Quinones stands there staring at Simon, his eyes growing bloodshot. Slowly, his lip begins to tremble slightly.)

Simon Cowell: You don't have any real talent! You come in here and waste our time with this bloody routine that you think you've somehow perfected at home in the bathroom mirror. You have no range, no depth, no pitch control, no volume, your footwork is atrocious, and you expect me to be bothered with this miserable, pathetic, tripe?

(A tear slowly runs down John Quinones cheek.)

(Simon walks off, his assistant trailing in his wake. As he turns a corner, a hidden camera catches him stop and take a deep breath and wipe sweat from his brow.)

Simon Cowell: (to his assistant) That was bloody close! Listen, in a little while, go back and offer him an American Idol hat and t-shirt. He looked miserable, the poor bastard...and after a good try too. Just remember...don't say they're from me!

The worst product placement joke ever made.

Here we go again. Yet another consumer at a fast food establishment has grossed us out by finding some human skin in his Beef n' Cheddar or something. What's going on here people? Is Charlton Heston going to come running down the street yelling, "It's people. Jamocha shakes are made out of people." With that set-up done, I bring you the worst product placement joke ever made. I present to you, "Silence of the Lamb Kebabs".

As they approach Lecter's cell

Dr. Chilton: Do not touch the glass. Do not approach the glass. You pass him nothing but soft bites of onion petal - no sporks, no straws. No lids or spoons in his cups. Use the sliding food carrier only, no exceptions. If he attempts to pass you anything, do not accept it. Do you understand?

and later

Hannibal Lecter:Now then, tell me. What did Miggs say to you? Multiple Miggs in the next cell. He hissed at you. What did he say?

Clarice Starling: He said, "I can smell your cu-rly fries."

Hannibal Lecter: I see. I myself cannot. You used too much Horsey sauce on the Big Montana, and sometimes you open the ranch dressing too soon, but not today.

and even later

Hannibal Lecter: Good evening, Clarise. Did you bring my Happy Meal? I can see that you have taken the small toy dog for yourself.

Clarice Starling: You see a lot don't you doctor. Why don't you turn that high-powered perception at yourself and tell us what you see, or, maybe you're afraid to.

Hannibal Lecter: Have the lambs stopped screaming Clarice?

Clarice Starling: What?

Hannibal Lecter: I ordered a lamb kebab with tzatziki sauce from Fez's, where is it?

Clarice Starling: They were out of tzatziki sauce.

Hannibal Lecter: Then get me some KFC livers with fava beans and a nice chianti. <he makes that horribly irritating sucking sound with his teeth>

Clarice Starling: You know they don’t sell fava beans or chianti at KFC.

Hannibal Lecter: Ok, just get some mac and cheese and a Pepsi.<one more time with the sucking sound…ewwww it gives me the willies>

We hope it was as horrible as you expected. Thank you.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Walk that red carpet kids!

Proms, not the concerts at the Royal Albert Hall, but the end of year dance balls at American high schools, are getting the Oscar treatment. Students attending the dances in all their elegant formal finery will be able to strut down real red carpets after arriving in limos.

According to people in the "prom" industry, the only downside is young women being jostled out of the way by Beyonce any time someone holds up a camera.

Also, Beyonce has apparently signed agreements to sing all songs at any proms anywhere in America that have an Academy Awards theme.

If you ask me, the woman is out of control.

Microsoft to replace Windows XP with Cheddar Cheese

Longhorn cheddar apparently. I didn't have time to read the whole article, but if this is correct, not only will our computers be faster and more effective, they will also be able to cook up a very tasty fondue.

What happens when the operating system spoils though?

Sunday, April 24, 2005

The Draft is Upon Us!

No, not the military draft you paranoids, (Checks window for black helicopters...thought so...nothing!) The NFL Draft. For those of you outside the United States who prefer the other football, I salute you (though I quite like gridiron as well and am a Dallas Cowboys fan from childhood), and also want to remind you that the NFL stands for National Football League, i.e. the home of the Super Bowl.

Every year the NFL gets together and holds a draft of available players. Unlike professional sports in other countries, where players are either voluntarily apprenticed to teams or are treated as free agents from the start, the home of the world's most successful democracy and free-market economy raffles athletes off, one by one, to the franchises in line to choose them.

Anyway, to get a better feel for the draft, I decided to call up an old friend of a friend of a friend of my grandparents' butcher, who happens to be a leading NFL scout (according to Uncle Reggie, who heard it from his e-mail pen pal in Kazakstan). He didn't want to go "on the record", so to protect his identity, I shall refer to him as Marsha.

Earl: Marsha, tell us what the purpose of the draft is for each team and for the league in general.

Marsha: Each team wants to get players it needs to fill weaknesses and to give it an advantage on the field. The league wants to prevent guys who've spent their lives playing football from settling the matter by figuring out who can beat each other's skull into a bloody pulp first. You have to realize that the league is mostly run by lawyers.

Earl: Ah, so a swift dagger to the ribs rather than the blunt instrument approach.

Marsha: Exactly, whatever that means. You have to remember that I was a football guy as well. I'd just as soon give a forearm shiver to the mealy-mouthed, Armani-suited peons. I like bloody pulp.

Earl: An understandably lucid if obdurate point of view.

Marsha: Please don't conduct the interview in Latin, Earl. I barely speak English.

Earl: Riiiiight...Anyway, what kind of players is the NFL looking for?

Marsha: Strong. Also fast. Preferably strong and fast.

Earl: How about their tactical intelligence, their cunning on the field?

Marsha: I said fast already.

Earl: How effective would you say each team is in selecting the players it needs?

Marsha: Oh, it's totally the luck of the draw. I mean, we know all these guys are pretty good.

Earl: Yes, but don't the teams spend enormous sums of time and money evaluating players?

Marsha: It gets us out of the office. Most of us are used to running around on a big, lush field. You have no idea how boring sitting behind a big desk can be in the off-season.

Earl: So most teams have no idea what kind of players they're getting.

Marsha: Well, we do read Mel Kiper.

Earl: That explains a lot.

My thanks to Marsha for a candid, if depressing perspective on the draft. This summer I hope to interview an scout for the NBA draft to try and find out why that league is so focused on players who are very tall and shoot the basketball so well.