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Saturday, April 30, 2005

The Thing that is Next that is Big

Maybe you have seen the newest reality shows that are peppering the airways like fine specks of purest diamond upon the bloated satchel of a belly of a big old Danny Devito. I, Jorge Carlito Viejo--Snoop Jorgey Jorge to the friends of me--have become the biggest what you might call "fan" of these type shows. What amaze me about these shows is that the TV networks get to make the prurient show without having to pay actors or screenwriters. Man, that is two groups of salaries you can avoid paying, so that you, Mr. and Mrs. TV Executive, can easily pay for your next dinner of finted nodes and charnted glogs at Spago! So it impress me to see how the executives creating so many fine, perverted and useless television shows with so much less money or restraint. I can tell you for the certainty, Ralph Kramden never had as much fun as Flava Flav on Surreal Life or Charly Krumplenpuup on American Idol. Anyway, without further ado (well, actually, there will be a little more ado before I get to it) here are the favorite reality television type program shows of one Jorge Carlito Viejo (Snoop Jorgey Jorge to the, how you say, ladies). These are all the brandest new network shows.

America's Next Top Transvestite -- Hosted by Danny Devito in a sequined ballroom formal gown. This show is where the mens dress up like the ladies and prance onstage to prove which one is the ugliest possible man who can look like an ugly but genuinely female lady. My money goes to Beardy O'Stein who have the most delicate goatee but cover it with foundation make-up so you can't even tell when he play the ugliest lady.

Survivor (of Devito) -- Here is the show where 13 strangers are stranded in an elevator in the middle of a deserted island with nothing to eat but a huge economy size can of Pinto Beans and only one bent fork with which to eat, and also with an incontinent and diaper-clad, shirtless Danny Devito striding about in their midst making cracks, making noise and making odors. The last person to try to stab the Devito with the fork win $20 and maybe a new hat (subject to availability).

The Bachelor and His Devito -- Here is a show where a man and his Devito try to find true love. The man will date 15 different ladies, one at a time, then narrow the ladies down to just 1 lady. Then he will choose either to marry the lady or marry the Devito (in Vermont), or marry the lady to the Devito. Man, this show achieve a new level of prurience, but who can resist? Yes, me. No, wait, not me. You.

Scary Inbred People Eating Sausage Patties -- Here is a powerful new show, where a brave camera crew went to live with the inbred persons of a certain Arkansas town and filmed them over the course of many, many weeks...no, wait, I misspeak. Not weeks. Days. Many, many days. Oops, again I fail the test of truth. Not days. Hours. Okay, minutes. No, seconds. You got me. They filmed the inbreds for many, many seconds...well, thirty seconds to be exact. Yes, you heard me right, you belligerent demanders of truth! A camera crew went into a city in Boone County (which I won't name for the sake of certain persons affiliated with said town who prefer to remain anonymous but whose first initial is H. or possibly J. and whose second initial is Z. or possibly P.) and filmed some scary redneck types for thirty seconds, during which time the inbreds ate their breakfast of sausage patties, then noticed the cameras, got up, threw their plates at the camera crew, and then took naps. Somehow those thirty seconds of footage have been edited into twenty two half hour episodes with a John Williams musical score. Coming soon to UPN.

Go check out these new shows because if you do not, other shows will come along, lower quality shows (read: less Devito!). Don't fail us, American Television Viewer!!!!


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