American Idol Unmasked!

According to Yahoo! TV News, ABC is preparing to air an hour-long news show covering what the network claims are "explosive" allegations regarding American Idol. I decided to call an old pal who just happens to be the friend of a barber of Charlie Gibson's neighbor's gardener. Using these deep inside connections, I was able to obtain a transcript containing portions of the programme.

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Announcer: Tonight, a special Primetime Live - American Idol (Cut to Clay Aiken mussing his hair)...it's the hit talent show that's captured the attention of the nation. Young and talented adults from all over the country (Cut to William Hung clumsily attempting to dance and then falling into Paula Abdul's lap) have flocked to the program for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to break into the big time, without having to sleep with a record producer. (Cut to Simon Cowell shaking his head in disgust) However, is there a seamier side to this Star Search on steroids? (Cut to stock footage of Richard Nixon) John "I could have been Ricky Martin" Quinones investigates and finds some explosive new information (cut to shot of a large explosion from Terminator III: Rise of the Machines.)

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John Quinones and a camera crew catch Simon Cowell as he comes out of the soundstage with an assistant.

John Quinones: Simon, just a few words please.

Simon Cowell: I'm sorry. I haven't the time.

Assistant: Mr. Cowell's a busy man. He has several people to insult today.

John Quinones: Simon, what do you have to say about the reports in the media detailing a former contestant's claims that you are "a much nicer person off camera than most people think".

Simon Cowell: What on earth are you talking about?

John Quinones: This former contestant claims that, after viciously berating him on camera, you consoled him afterwards, saying, "Don't feel so bad. I'm sure you have many talents that are worthwhile. Remember that your family and God love you and that you are a valuable member of society with something to offer the world." He also said that you served him a hot cup of tea and some Walker's biscuits, which he claimed were "quite good and refreshing", and that you gently patted him on the shoulder and offered a hanky.

Simon Cowell: I have no idea as to what you're talking about...

John Quinones: We also have these pictures. (Cut to pictures of Simon helping a little old lady across the street, Simon hammering a nail at what is obviously a Habitat for Humanity event, Simon laughing it up with Jerry Lewis during a Muscular Dystrophy telethon, Simon carrying a baby out of a burning building, Simon hugging Bono at a rally for debt relief, and Simon laughing and allowing a puppy to playfully lick him in the face.)

Simon Cowell: (pause) I... I... I hope you know John that those pictures are all fakes, and that the former contestant is a bloody liar. I mean come on, this interview is bloody awful. It's a load of rubbish. You come down here and try to perform like this in front of me and that's all you've got is "he said this and that" and some obviously Photoshop-altered pictures? You really thought you had what it takes to fluster ol' Simon?

(John Quinones stands there staring at Simon, his eyes growing bloodshot. Slowly, his lip begins to tremble slightly.)

Simon Cowell: You don't have any real talent! You come in here and waste our time with this bloody routine that you think you've somehow perfected at home in the bathroom mirror. You have no range, no depth, no pitch control, no volume, your footwork is atrocious, and you expect me to be bothered with this miserable, pathetic, tripe?

(A tear slowly runs down John Quinones cheek.)

(Simon walks off, his assistant trailing in his wake. As he turns a corner, a hidden camera catches him stop and take a deep breath and wipe sweat from his brow.)

Simon Cowell: (to his assistant) That was bloody close! Listen, in a little while, go back and offer him an American Idol hat and t-shirt. He looked miserable, the poor bastard...and after a good try too. Just remember...don't say they're from me!