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Friday, April 22, 2005

Yahoo! Gets Earth Day Crazy! (Edited Version...no, really)

As Stew pointed out a few posts ago, it is Earth Day (at least for the next 5 minutes). Being Earth Day, many of you have done you're bit to clean the planet up a bit, to think about ways to conserve energy and to be more responsible stewards of God's creation, etc...

Meanwhile, over at Yahoo! they have decided that what is really necessary is to "Save the World!!!" Yes, at Yahoo! the choice is not just a cleaner planet or more sensible administration of our natural resources; the choice is save the world or die in an infinite sea of junk mail. In keeping with this infinitely more sensible rhetoric (at least to those of us who are on the lookout for more material for our comedy blog), I have decided to replace their rather mundane suggestions (such as seeking out organic produce or taking public transportation, as though that's going to stop Lex Luthor from melting the polar ice caps with his super heat ray) with more appropriate actions for saving the world.

Yahoo! 10 Simple Steps to Save the World in a Day
(notwithstanding Our Lord and Saviour's work in that department)

by Earl Fando (superhero sidekick 4th class - Apprenticed to the Golden Tickler)

1. Reflect a Roid
No, we're not suggesting you take up proctology! Instead, you can deflect giant asteriods heading to earth with your super magnetic vision. This will not only prevent a catastrophic collision that could wreck your current home planet and force you to take up residence on Alpha Centuri where, let's face it, the babes all look like lizards, but will also heal muscle sprains and bruises more quickly through potent magnetic energy!

2. Smack Down a Super Baddie
While we at Yahoo! (cue yodeling) do not advocate unnecessary violence, let's face facts. You have super strength. You're tired of accidentally breaking things in your own home with it, like lightswitches, lamps, couches, TV remotes, computer keyboarxxcowh (see what I mean), small pets, etc. You need to blow off steam. Why not foil a super villain before he gets started? Whack Doctor Doom (TM Marvel Comics) about his iron face before he builds a death ray! Mash Mr. Myxyzptlk (© DC Comics - not a super strength keyboard error) before he has the chance to annoy humanity again with his silly name!

3. Fuse a Fault!
You remember Superman, the Movie as well as we do. Lex Luthor was going to sink California into the sea by starting a massive earthquake with a nuclear bomb. Sound preposterous? You wish!! There are hundreds of fault lines throughout the world and plenty of nuclear bombs as well. Since taking out the nukes would only bring Kofi Annan and his lads down on your head (and who needs all the paperwork and bribery that goes with that gig) the simplest way is to put that super heat vision to work and seal up those fault lines. Yes, the Earth may become geologically unstable and explode in a million pieces...but we can't risk losing Hollywood, the meal ticket of many a washed up superhero!

4. Turn Back the Clock
Sticking with the Superman theme, for those of you with super speed, wouldn't it be nice to turn back time to a simpler day before the industrial revolution, or for those superheroes with luddite, pre-agrarian sympathies, before the dawn of man and super villians themselves!!! (Yahoo! does not bear any legal responsibility for superheroes who are eaten by dinosaurs or hit by giant asteroids - see suggestion #1 - as a result of turing back time to pre-human eras. This is in part because Yahoo! will not have yet been invented during said eras.)

5. Power On Dude!
Fearful that the world energy resources may take mankind to the brink of extinction? Happen to have super-electrical powers? You can make a difference by powering whole regional grids by yourself! Contact AmeriCorps for further information. 24 hour work shifts may apply.

6. Extinguish the Sun!
(Editors note: This was sent in as a prank by the notorious Nazi super villian The Red Skull [TM Marvel Comics]. There are no major world-saving benefits to extinguishing the Sun. While incidences of skin cancer and sunburns would in fact decrease to naught, all life would actually perish as a result, except for the Red Skull and his underground fortress, and those living in certain swankier portions of the Batcave.)

7. Oscillate the Ozone
Worried about the apparent decrease in ozone? Happen to have the super ability to absorb flourocarbons, like Hair-Spray Abosorbo Man [TM- Nobody, but will work for food]? You could fly for the day to the Antarctic to safeguard our precious ozone...and bodily fluids!

8. Chill The Caps
So many people are worried about global warming, but those of you with super freeze breath know better. A simple morning's outing in the polar ice cap region (aided by a York Peppermint pattie) could add centuries to the polar ice layers. Just be careful and don't accidentally start a new ice age! (Tee hee!)

9. Super Prolific Procreation
Are you a Superhero who also happens to hold to certain polygamous religious beliefs as found in the Middle East or rural Utah? You could contribute to a whole generation of future world-saving superheroes! Those of you with super speed and numerous spouses could handle the job in an afternoon! (Captain Viagra need not apply.)

10. Surf the Seas
Concerned about ocean pollution? Overfishing? Happen to be the king of Atlantis? You can organize massive fish migrations, set up patrols of trident-wielding mermen, and distracting comely mermaids, and alter the face of seafaring commerce forever. Just try not to get caught in those pesky tuna nets or you'll wind up in a sandwich like Aquaboy! (Sorry Charlie!)


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