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Thursday, April 21, 2005

This makes April 15 all worth it.

Yes, a mystery as old as corn (we at DOUI like to call it maize) has been solved. Researchers divereted from finding a cure for cancer, discovering the Yeti, and unlocking the secrets of Rosanne Barr's success have found out why not all of the kernels in a bag of popcorn pop. We caught up with the head of the team Dr. Timothy Chong Leary.

Stew: Doctor Chong Leary welcome.

Dr. Chong Leary: Please call me Orville.

Stew: You don't go by Timothy anymore?

Dr. Chong Leary: No, since the discovery I prefer Orville Redenbacker the Third.

Stew: Orville, why popcorn, why not Yeti's or The Loch Ness Monster?

Dr. Chong Leary: Well Stew, popcorn was easier. The logistics of hunting for a Yeti in the Northwest or Canada and certainly going to Scotland would have set us back more than popping corn in a laboratory.

Stew: So it was the money?

Dr. Chong Leary: No, we're just lazy and we were hungry.

Stew: We have read about the research but please tell us the kind of things that went on during your search for the answer.

Dr. Chong Leary: There were a lot of hard, tireless research hours put in. Popping the corn, using calipers on things, twisting knobs, and of course plenty of hemp.

Stew: And then your discov... did you say hemp?

Dr. Chong Leary: Yes, we used it as a control for the research staff. Half were on hemp and half were not. We used it to judge whether the staff were enjoying the research and halfway through we switched.

Stew: Pardon me Professor, but this sounds like an excuse to smoke dope.

Dr. Chong Leary: So sue me, we were researching popcorn kernels for heaven's sake.

Stew: Now that you've made this discovery what are you working on next?

Dr. Chong Leary: Well besides being in rehab I hope to start research on bits of lint I have found in my pockets.

Stew: Best of luck with that Dr. Chong Leary. And now back to the studio.


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