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Sunday, April 17, 2005

The Force Flowing Through Me Like Thoughts of Devito

Did you hear the mostest exciting good news? Maybe you didn't. It is still very early, but Jorge Carlito Viejo, which is me, just got hold of secret information about another Star Wars movie which is coming to the theaters nearest to your house sometime in May. Yes, I know it is very early to hear of such news, but I have secret contacts deep in the movie industry who are Knights Templar and privy to the mostest sacred ceremonies of washing the Danny Devito's feet every Tuesday and listen in on private Hollywood conversations. Anyway, it can now be revealed many of the secret information about this new Star Wars movie which will arrive on the bootleg DVD in the kiosk in the marketplace in Juarez in late April.

Here is what Jorge Carlito is able to finally reveal to your aching yearn-yearn eyes.

Stars Wars, Episode III, Sith Person Getting the How You Say Revenge is official title from mouth of George Lucas.

This movie stars Evan Dando as Obi One Reginald Jedi who is wise old man with lightning sword and beard that give strength to him. Also this movie star Natalie Portman as some kind of hunchback werewolf who eat people, I think, and maybe also a witch who rules over an island nation of one legged persons with red eyes. There is also in this movie some actor name Samuel, or possibly Michael, Jackson who play quiet man with sword and brown robe who sitting around and be angry to be in movie and play, I think I heard, a witch with power to turn sandwiches into gold bars, maybe. Plus, Danny Devito appear in one scene as sacred ostrich egg which break open and super-intelligent earthworm come out and save the world from the angry, angry troposphere.

This looking to be a powerhouse performance of movie. Here is a quick breakdown of plot.

--Some guy getting stabbed. Lot of screaming and a cake gets thrown through a window. Cats hiss at shadows.
--Darth Bader rise up from dusty bin and produce glowering lightning stick which he use to cut open a doorway to heaven.
--Heaven don't accepting the Bader so he go home, get attacked by Obi Won who mad about some money got stolen or maybe finger was bit off by some kind of rabid, like, ape with a hammer, I thinking.
--Ape with hammer smashing the apple out of Bader hand before he can eat it. Bader kick ape and hammer fall into ravine which lead down to Hades.
--Something about a werewolf or a witch, take your pick.
--Big sword fight with maybe the Ape and a...um, let's see...genetically altered gazelle who has human lips grafted onto his gazelle lips so he can talk.
--Um, space battle?
--Something blow up. Bader return. Darth turn out to be his half sister. Some kind of blood spills out of a cup.
--I don't know this part. Keep going.
--I think the moon crash into the Indian Ocean, awakening Kongzilla who eats an island, maybe New Zealand.
--The Ape returns. More Bader. Kongzilla. Danny Devito works his way into this scene. Maybe a glimpse of Robin Williams in the background eating a biscuit. Um, uh, an explosion. A spaceship or a shiny Datsun.
--Werewolf marries witch. Kongzilla marry Bader. Darth marry biscuit. Obi Won marry Datsun. Super-intelligent worm marry Danny Devito.
--Something else happens.
--The end.

So that sounds pretty excitement oriented, would you say? Star Wars, Episode the III, Revenging of the Person What is Sith will come to theater near you sooner than you can bear, but remember that you heard the scoop first here from your friendly, neighborhood Jorge Carlito Viejo and his insider tips.


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