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Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Miss OnStar Lonely Hearts

Reportedly overheard at an OnStar Operator Center (with apologies to Bob Newhart):

OnStar Operator #4629872 Bob: Hello, this is OnStar, how can we help you today? Yes, you're name is Rachel? Rachel, how can we help you? You've locked your keys in your car? All right, if you'll wait just a moment I'll unlock the car from here. Hmmm...According to your record Rachel, you've locked the keys in your car 12 times this week. Yes, I know it's only Tuesday.

Will I stay on the line? Yes. Is the car unlocked? It is? Good. OnStar is always here to help you Rach...what? You've locked them in again? Hang on a second and I'll unlock the car again. Yes, I'll still be on the line.

Is the car unlocked now? Good. Be sure and get your keys and be careful this... What? It's locked again is it? Rachel, I hope you won't take this personally but if I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to keep me on the line. Yes, I do happen to be single, but what does that have to do with the car? Are the keys in the car still? Rachel? Yes, I'm still here, Rachel.

What was that? I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you right. Do I like redheads? I'm not sure I should answer that ques... Well, I'm sure they're very nice cut-off jeans. Well, I'm sorry they're too tight, but there's really nothing I can do from here. Ummm....Well, no I can't do that, and I don't think it would help you with your keys or your jeans for that matter. ...Well, that's up to you if you keep them on or not, I really am not suppose to talk about things like that. How are you doing with those keys?

Ummm... I suppose a halter top goes very well with cut off jeans. No, no I am not authorized to do anything like that...particularly with all my co-workers sitting around. No, I'd get into trouble and this really isn't my sort of thing anyway, even if this were a private conversation. No, I'm quite religious and shouldn't be talking about this kind of thing, especially on a professional call. Yes, I'm sure they're very nice but that's beside the point.

What's that? What...oh, well happy 21st birthday to you. Well, now that you mention it I can tell you've been drinking. Since dawn you say? Well, since it's 4 p.m. I think you might want to lay off for awhile. No, lay off the drinking...the drinking. Are the keys out of the car yet Rachel? No... no, I won't bark like a dog. No, there's no real point. Well...yes, I know it's your birthday and it would make you happy and...no, let's just say it would make you "happy". I don't want my co-workers to get the wrong idea.

Where do I live? I'm sorry, I can't give out that information. No, no it's has nothing to do with you. It's just the rules. I'm sure you're very nice. Ummm...yes, well I'm glad for you that you're good at that. Everyone needs a talent, but I really shouldn't be talking about that sort of thing here.

Rachel? Are the keys out of the car? They are? What's that? You're sleepy? Is the car running? It's not? Good. No, you'd better lie down and sleep it off. Yes, that would be best. Well, I'm no judge of these sort of things, but if you say you're a honey, then I'm sure you are. You're welcome...OK. Have a nice nap. Remember that OnStar is always here for you.


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