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Sunday, April 10, 2005

Secrets of the Masters - Part II

Well, the little men in green jackets have left me alone long enough to comment on the remainder of hte tournament today. For those of you who taped the tourney and don't want to know the results, don't read the following paragraph.

TIGER WINS!!!! DID YOU SEE THAT RUDDY BRILLIANT SHOT ON 16?

We now resume normal comedy blogging.

Many people have wondered aloud, whilst sipping their third pint of bitter, why Tiger's parents named him Tiger? What kind of people are these to name their son after a fierce predator of the Asian subcontinent? Did they, in seeking out a book of baby names, mistakenly pick up a Zoology tome instead? Are they hippies who were trying to out do Frank Zappa (as if anyone can think of a name for their child stranger than "Moon Unit")?

Tiger is of course his nickname. Eldrick is his real name, which aside from people asking why they would name him Eldrick for heavens sake, explains why he goes by Tiger. Well, in this case it is a family nickname but what many people don't realize is that Tiger has yet another nickname. This other nickname is a secret nickname given to him by the secret cabal that runs the Masters. This cabal has given every Masters champion a secret nickname, which just happens to be stitched on the inside pocket of the green jacket (They have a wiz of a seamstress sitting in Butler Cabin, just waiting to stitch away at the end of the tourney...all those Jim Nantz questions are just stalling while she finishes up.)

So what's Tiger's secret nickname? See his and many others below, provided to me by a top secret source whose second cousin my private auto mechanic Sven happens to have gone to boarding school with for a year in Nepal.

Gene Sarazen - "Saracen Pig"
Byron Nelson - "The Classic Byron Nelson"
Jimmy Demaret - "Uncle Charlie"
Sam Snead - "The S. S. Smoothie"
Ben Hogan - "Klink's Nemesis"
Cary Middlecoff - "Radar"
Arnold Palmer - "Gregory"
Gary Player - "Johnny Cash"
Jack Nicklaus - "Money"
Billy Casper - "Mr. 106" (was "Wendy's Boyfriend" before Thursday)
Tommy Aaron - "Hank's Brother"
Ray Floyd - "Mr. Big"
Tom Watson - "Elementary"
Fuzzy Zoeller - "Silent Ray"
Craig Stadler - "Mike Holmgren"
Seve Ballesteros - "Latin Jim"
Ben Crenshaw - "Swifty"
Bernhard Langer - "Schultz" (said exactly the way Werner Klemperer says it on Hogan's Heroes)
Larry Mize - "Lucky"
Nick Faldo - "Harrison"
Fred Couples - "Roberto de Alfredo Corrado Albacedo"
Ian Woosnam - "Stubby"
Jose Maria Olazabal - "Ol' What's His Name"
Mark O'Meara - "Stylin' Sal"
Vijay Singh - "Gabby"
Mike Weir - "Lefty"
Phil Mickelson - "Lefty"
and Tiger? "Hootie Jr."

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