We're not laughing! You're laughing!

Thursday, April 07, 2005

It's GANerrrifffic!

The signs that point to Juan Carlos having trouble with the GAN (Which stands for "Great American Novel" and not "Gigantic Aardvark Nipple"...although given some of the posts I can see how you might make that error) are that He has not posted since March 30th. This means that he is probably slaving over a keyboard somewhere, desperately trying to find the perfectly nuanced prose for this massive undertaking. Either that or he's in a futile struggle with the Auto Format in Microsoft Word, which seems as though it was coded by gremlins to lazy to personally visit each machine and screw it up.

Of course Zimpter Fiforg and Chico y Jose have never posted, so JCV is in our good graces, comparatively.

Kudos to Stew for his magnificent attempt to provide a finish line for Juan Carlos's impending masterpiece/disaster of a novel. No doubt JCV will arrive soon, propelled by the stinging afterburn of a delicious empenada con fuego.

So, what are you getting at Fando, you stupid git? Well, I thought you might ask that (Especially Albert, from Bolton, England, UK.)
We clearly have some interesting potential excerpts, and Stew has crafted some fine closing paragrpahs. So, other than the 300,000-500,000 words of prose in-between, what else could you need for "The" GAN? The answer? (dramatic pause...no, don't get up, just count to 3 and then read on) Marketing!

Just think of it. You've finally got the Great American Novel, but how do you promote it? You need the Great American Slogan (GAS)!

Here are a few humble suggestions. This wasn't easy, especially given that the book has no real title, other than GAN:

- "Juan Carlos Vega's new book!" (Simple, direct, it says, "Who the hell is Juan Carlos Vega?" which adds a touch of mystery as well.)

- "GAN! It's GANerrrrriffic!" (We'll hire Tony the Tiger to do the adverts.)

- "GAN! Reading is Fun" (There may be some copyright issues with this one, but how good can the RIF people's solicitors be?)

- "Sex! Blood! Auto Racing! Death! Sex! More Sex!!!" (All right, I admit that is the traditional method.)

- "Look, a saucy potboiler that DOESN'T have Fabio on the cover!" (I realize the Brits out there may be scratching their beans about this one...it's for the American campaign!)

- "Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the library..."

- "Dave Barry meets Charles Dickens!"

- "A moving, once in a lifetime read that will speak to bed wetters everywhere." (Emotional and yet ever so slightly troubled...also slightly scatological, which really hits it big with the publishing crowd.)

- This book has words!!!

- "The most indispensable book since Bill Clinton: My Life."

- "This garbage rocks!"

- "If pigs could fly, they'd read Juan Carlos Vega's GAN"

- and finally: "on sale at a Wal Mart near you."


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