It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Can I get me one of them satellites?

Apparently Earl has been on the satellite television again where he has 200,000 channels of the finest content known to man. Meanwhile, I am stuck with 70 channels of the vilest filth that the cable company can pump into my house for the low cost of $50. Not to mention the fact that our newest addition, a six month old Lab/Border Collie, has chewed nearly entirely through the cable going into our wall. Unlike Earl’s dog at least mine seems to like me, even while I am kicking out its teeth. For you PETA types out there that was merely for comedy effect and I really only held its head under water for a minute. Sorry, humor again. Well instead of battling the cable company, which no sane man would do, I am thinking of getting a dish. I have reviewed my options for channels and found a few that make me want to reconsider the idiot box altogether.


Channel 721 – Rooney Cam – Displays images from webcams placed in the dwellings of Mickey and Andy Rooney. This channel is not for those with weak stomachs. Rated TV-MWH

Channel 433 – The War Atrocities Channel – Reenactments of famous war atrocities and biographies of those who committed them. The programming also includes the quiz shows “Name that Atrocity” and “Kerry or Kerrey”. Rated TV-R99

Channel 251 – Washed up MTV – Music videos by washed up acts like Vanilla Ice, The Spice Girls, Poison, Duran Duran, and Jessica & Ashlee Simpson. Yes, I know, but believe me, its coming. Rated TV-HAHAHA

Channel 844 – The Garry Marshall Reject Channel – For all of the successful sitcoms that Garry produced there were an equal number that didn’t make it. Tune in for such unpopular fare as Mork & Mengele, Hapless Days, Potsy loves Fonzie, and Laverne & the Slightly Disturbed Ring-tailed Lemur. Rated TV-GAL

Channel 666 – Nicktoons – Speaks for itself. Rated TV-666

Channel 711 – The Gibberish Network – Her we go da bes stu ya eve see. Go ya jiminy gee gee hontalker goozle gee. Rated TV-ARYEARHIZZY

Channel 505 – Al Gore’s Current Network [blacked out in most areas] - Rated TV-DULL

Channel 277 – The Cockney Knitting Hour – Join 'enrietta and the bloomin' girls and they discuss and participate in some of the most excitin' knittin' on the dial. Right. The bloomin' fun never puts the mockers on and the laughs will make yer want ter come hammer and tack again and again. Rated TV-BLIMEYMATE

Channel 342 – Juan Carlos Vega’s Quizenart Espectáculo – Juan Carlos feeds all manner of carne asadas, postres, tomatillos, pescados, y Salsa de Tripa into his food processor with hilarious results. Rated TV-WOT


Legend for ratings:

TV-MWH Make ya wanna hurl.
TV-R99 Restricted to the slightly deceased.
TV-HAHAHA Ha Ha Ha.
TV-GAL Get a life.
TV-666 Conduit for the anti-Christ
TV-ARYEARHIZZY Get out of the house, now.
TV-DULL Hey it’s AL GORE folks.
TV-BLIMEYMATE I mean blimey.
TV-WOT Waste of Time (Productions that is)

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