It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Ladies and Gentlemen...Elvinova!

The BBC's latest recommended drama is Casanova, starring David Tennant (purportedly the next Dr. Who) as the notorious 18th Century boudoir gymnast. The hilarious website for the pic advertises as follows:

"Men admire him... or want to punch his lights out. Women adore him. He's cool, he's got the gift of the gab, and 18th century Europe is his playground. "

He's cool? He's got the gift of the gab? What, does he ride a motorcycle and play guitar too? It sounds like the advert for an Elvis movie.

Come to think of it, what would Elvis be like as Casanova? (Begin dream sequence now...)

[A ladies sitting room in Paris, circa 1760. Two young women are sitting on a sofa, wearing traditonal dress of the era, and sipping mai tais. They chatter expectantly in French.]

Florette: Êtes-vous sûr il serez-vous ici bientôt ?

Marie: Eengleesh Florette! We 'ave no subtitles for zees website.

Florette: Sorry, Marie...I fought we were still on zee Bee Bee See website. Anyway, do you zink he will be 'ere soon?

Marie: Oui, I zink so. Oh, listen! [They both put zeir 'ands to their ears and...oh, sorry, they both put their hands to their ears and lean sideways towards the window.] I can 'ear his motorsicle right now!

Florette: Motorsicle? Marie, it is 1760, is it not?

Marie: Oui, but we are also in a parody of a cheesy MGM film of zee late 1950's. 'istorical accuracy eez zee least of our concerns.

Florette: Zat also explains why we bof zound like Eenszpector Clouseau!

Marie: [Still listening] It eez depheneetly 'im! It eez a Harley!

[A Harley-Davidson comes crashing through the window, driven by a dark-haired, tanned young man, wearing a leather jacket and an acoustic guitar slung over his back. It is Elvis. He lands perfectly on the coffee table in front of the women, smashing in to pieces. He skids the motorbike sideways to a halt in a corner of the room, sets the kickstand, cuts the motor and gets off (...the bike, he gets off the bike you filthy people).]

Florette: Zat was a most eempressive entre-vouz!

Marie: Especeeleey as we are on zee third floor!

Elvis: Thank you, thank you very much...I did have to use that footman outside to get the bike airborne.

[Cut to footman outside in traditional 18th century garb, with a big tire track across his chest.]

Elvis: ...and then I bounced off of the roof of the greenhouse over there.

[Cut to a traditionally clad gardener, standing in a shattered glass greenhouse, with large shards of glass stuck in the ground, plants, and his head.]

Elvis: I almost missed the window, but I was able to ricochet off o' Genghis Khan right at the end.

[Cut to John Wayne as Genghis Khan in "The Conquerer"...which is always good for a laugh. He is wearing the traditional garments of the Mongols, except for a large Stetson and spurs.]

Florette: Oh! Eet eez too much for me! Take me you brute!

Elvis: Take you where? [pause] Oh, I get it! [He smiles broadly and does a uniquely Elvis thing with his hips.]

Marie: Take me also, for I am overcome wiz passion as well, and, being French, am not at all bothered by theez sort of menage-a-trois zing.

[Elvis walks over to the two women. The camera pans up to the roof as soaring violin music comes up on the soundtrack, suddenly replaced by "Hounddog". Birds fly from the roof of the home. In the distance, a dog howls. Below, the housemaids are clumsily performing CPR on the footman and Genghis Khan.]

[Fade to Elvis and the two young women, dressed as before, except the women are now wearing each others dresses, and Elvis is wearing a sarong. The are all smoking cigars.]

Elvis: How about a song girls?

Florette: Oh! 'E 'as just zee gift of zee gab!

Marie: Oui, 'e dooz eenzeed 'ave zees gipht zat yoo haphc zedd 'e dooz, oui, 'e dooz hach zeez gphtcht!

Elvis: [Sings] I'm sure I don't know what the hell you ladies are talkin' about...

[Cut to an extended musical number featuring Elvis, Florette, Marie, the now deceased footman, Genghis Khan, who made a smashing recovery (in part due to the extraordinary resilience of Stetsons), the housemaids, the bleeding-but-surprisingly-talented-on-the-drums gardener, several nuns, King Louis XIV, Buzz Aldrin, and Evel Knevel, who jumps over 21 carriages in the background.]

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