It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Tutti Cable Gigante

Actually Stew, I was enjoying my new supra-cable, with only 190,000 channels. However, there is some redundancy, as 42,000 of them are Fox affiliates.

Nonetheless, you'd be surprised at some of the international networks that have sprung up (have your PAL converter at the ready!):

The Godzilla Channel - All Godzilla, 24/7. either the big lizard is in it or it's not on this superb Slovenian Channel (although all the dubbing seems to be in Swedish). The big plus are all the rarities, such as Godzilla Meets Elvis, Godzilla vs. Tutti Frutti Gigante, Godzilla vs. Earl Warren, Godzilla and the Three Bears, and that nearly unknown classic Godzilla vs. Liz Taylor, notably one of the few times Godzilla was beaten within an inch of his scaly, radioactive life.

Al Gorezeera - Apparently, not only is Al Gore starting a new American television network, but he's also invested in a Middle Eastern channel (broadcast out of Abu Dhabi). See the former Vice-President wage jihad against George Bush, Dick Cheney, and anyone else remotely responsible for his sudden and uncomfortable entry into the private sector. One of the few networks to have forbidden the appearance or mere mention of former President Bill Clinton.

The Channel Channel - The English Channel, live and in HDTV. Thrill to the misty, cold, grey sea between Dover and Calais. When the fish pop out of the water, as they are wont to do every six hours or so, it's classic television magic.

The Chunnel Channel - The tunnel running under the English Channel may be a boring 20 minutes to English and French railway passengers, but to one Welsh television mogul (A Mr. Aberforth L. Llandllyrichllyich) it's a dark and intriguingly mysterious slice of television. Some of the typical programmes: What Was That Car? Repeats of Great Railway Journeys of the English Channel, and My, It's Dark In Here, with Camilla Parker Bowles. Also, they constantly replay Daylight with British dubbing that resets the story in the Chunnel. Stallone is dubbed by none other than Kenneth Branagh.

The Crazy People Who Will Do Anything to Get on TV Channel - This Bengali network actually only shows repeats of American, British, and Japanese "reality shows". Strangely enough, all the programming is dubbed into Greek. The number one program: Battle of the Network Stars.

The Sweetbreads Channel - An international channel dedicated to organ meats of all kinds and their many uses, not all of them as food. Did you know you could wax your car with dingo bladders? I didn't either until I watched this fascinating channel.

The David Hasselhoff/Dan Marino Channel - A Mozambique network with over 75 original programmes based on the uncanny similarity between actor and German singing sensation David Hasselhoff, and former Miami Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino. Includes the programmes Never in the Same Room at the Same Time...Hmmm?, and Marinosky and Hassel, in which two actors play David and Dan as undercover detectives who drive around in a Grand Torino and hang out with their snitch Huggy Bear (played by Al Roker.)

With television like this out there, who needs ABC, BBC, Channel 4, CBS, RAI, NBC, ITV, Doordarshan, Fox, Sky, NHK, CBC, DW, Canal, UPN, CTV, the WB (etc.)?

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