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Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Kirk...Help Me Kirk!

I stumbled upon this game the other day and after nineteen hours straight of playing "Virtual Trapped in a Well" (all right, it only felt like nineteen hours...it was more like 8 minutes) I think there may be a market for this kind of morbid, desperately sad, yet ironically amusing game.

Hmmm...leave out "amusing" and I think I just described this blog.

In any case, it has inspired me to wonder what other kind of games are out there for people who enjoy depression. Here is what I've dug up on this troubled genre:

  • The Dilemma of James Tiberius Kirk - Strangely enough, in this game you won't be playing Captain Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise and TV's Star Trek (like you didn't know). Instead you play that alien from The Savage Curtain, the one who killed Abe Lincoln and tried to do in Kirk as well. The object of the game is to lure Kirk to you by repeatedly moaning "Help me Kirk!" in a pathetic, virtual impression of Abe Lincoln. When James Tiberius gets close enough, you can finish him off with a variety of weapons, including a death ray, a giant papier-mache boulder, a swarm of killer bees, or your partner Genghis Khan.
  • This Is the Pits - In this poser of a puzzle, you have to find your way across a room full of hidden pits. each loaded with different lethal traps, including poisoned spikes, giant tarantulas, black mambas, acid, hot lava, piranha, an angry Spike Lee, radioactive mothballs, Leeds United, coconut creme pies, and George Plimpton.
  • Gilligan Goes Cannibal - This game places you on famed Gilligan's Island, but instead of an endless supply of bananas, fish, and coconut cream pie (Yecch!), the island and surrounding waters have gone barren because of the radiation released by those vegetables that made Gillian super-strong. Those vegetables are all gone now and the only thing left to eat for the castaways is each other. Choose one of the seven characters and make sure you're the last one left alive at the dinner table. This game brings a whole new meaning to the words "How's my Lil' Buddy?" Here the answer is "rare", "medium" or "well-done".
  • Gilligan/Survior - A milder variation on the above game where, instead of devouring one another, the castaways form tribes and vote each other off the Island. Unfortunately, along the way you have to put up with Thurston Howell III walking around in the buff.
  • Mirage - In this sizzling challenge, you guide a lone explorer through the desert, trying to differentiate the mirages from the real oasis. Yes, oasis as in singular. There's only one of them, and all you have to do is figure out where in 200,000 square miles of desert it is. The charater comes with a choice of supplies: A leaky canteen, rancid beef jerky, a pithhat made of aluminium, and SPF 1 sunblock.
  • Starsky Goes Nuts - This retro game borrows the spirit of the recent Ben Stiller/Owen Wilson remake, only with a key difference. In this game Starsky (voiced by Paul Michael Glazer) has gone completely daft and is trying to kill Hutch (voiced by David Soul) by running over him with the Gran Torino. You play Hutch and begin the game from the middle of an empty Wal-Mart parking lot. See if you can last longer than my best time (4 seconds)!
  • Andy Rooney Won't Die! - Finally, the most soul sucking game of all is this gem. You are a CBS employee stuck in a room with 60 Minutes commentator Andy Rooney. Rooney has been hypnotized into a zombie by voodoo occultists and is repeating several decades of his annoying and irritable commentaries. You have to find a way to snuff old Andy before his commentaries drive you crazy and your character pulls their brains out through their nose. The catch is that, as a zombie, Andy's really hard to kill, even with the assortment of flamethrowers, uzis, and rotary saws in the room. Play as Mike Wallace, Morely Safer, Ed Bradley, or Leslie Stahl.


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