A plethora of papal postings presently.

Apparently with all the papal voting going on next week there are unseemly forces out to try to steal the information by bugging the Sistine Chapel, or at least that’s what we’re led to believe. With all of the media attention on the Vatican as they elect a new Pope I decided to call my old friend Lukas P. Short to get his take on the situation. Lukas made a call to an old rodeo clown he knows in San Bernardino who it just turns out passed away not too long ago. His widow did give Lukas the number of an aroma therapist in Bakersfield who gave him the address of a Hugh Hefner’s ex-girlfriend’s plastic surgeon. Lukas couldn’t find out anything about the papal election but did find out some interesting things about Hefner.

- He also wants to be buried in “the Grotto”, with eulogy by “Cardinal Rat-Zinger” (James Caan)

- Has been calling himself Pontifex Seximus for the last few years.

- Has promised to bestow sainthood on James Brolin and Chuck Woolery.

- Has been known to wear robes for months at a time.

- Has at least as many children as Pope John XVII (married before becoming a priest).

I don’t know if this information gives us any insight into the vote for the pope, but it might just be enough to get us excommunicated.