It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Saturday, April 30, 2005

If only I hadn't taken that wrong turn at Albequerque!

Jennifer Wilbanks, the Georgia bride-to-be who went missing this past week, has turned up in Albequerque, New Mexico. At first she claimed to have been kidnapped outside a Quickee Mart whilst incapacitated by a Slushee brain freeze, but, after being questioned by police, confessed to having run away.

She expressed that she was troubled that her wedding was growing out of control, what with 14 bridesmaids and groomsmen each, over 600 guests, liturgical dancers, a horsedrawn carriage, 2000 doves to be released at the words "I do", a fireworks display and laser light show, the Thunderbirds, the Vienna Boys Choir, the Atlanta Philharmonic, a reception catered by Wolfgang Puck and Gordon Ramsey, the Queen Mary II, a life-size replica of the Eiffel Tower with the words "Congratulations Jennifer and John" painted on the main platform in gold, Pope Benedict XVI and Billy Graham conducting the service, a Civil War battle re-enactment, and a limo the size of Rhode Island. She pointed out that she had maxed out at least two credit cards for the doves alone.

Police began to suspect that her claims to having been kidnapped were not truthful when she described how the kidnappers drove her to Switzerland before taking a military submarine back to the United States, via Burma. Albequerque Police Chief Giuseppe' Flair noted, "We knew she was lying because Switzerland ain't got no navy." Wilbanks then claimed that the submarine was leased from Albania, which confused the police for 14 hours until she added, "No, I'm just kidding...you've got me cold."

Wilbanks had disguised herself by cutting her hair. She also wore glasses, a painted on mustache and a cigar. Several people had noticed her but dismissed her as just one of many of Albequerque's female Groucho impersonators, although at least two people mistook her for a trimmed down Gene Shalit.

Wilbanks was not initially charged. Later though, police slapped her with a misdemeanor for theft of the garish towel she used to obscure the fact that the painted on mustache would not wash off.

Her finance was reported to have been relieved that she was OK, but crushed to discover that she preferred Albequerque to his planned honeymoon destination Dubuque, Iowa.

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