You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

No Ma'am, I Never Meant to Rock You at All

The trending topic that had everyone buzzing on Twitter last night was #rockretractions. (In fact, as of this writing, it's still surging along on Twitter, if you want to play.) Lots of people were posting them, including a fair number of well-known Tweeters*: "Weird Al" Yankovic, James Lileks, Adam Baldwin, Harry Shearer, the guy from IMAO (who managed the Twitter equivalent of a Rickroll with one of his - impressive**), etc.

I won't bother to explain the joke, as it will be pretty obvious from my own prolific contributions to the topic. Just in case you're interested, here they are (with a few slight edits to offer extra blogging value!)  It's kind of like a crazy pop culture quiz:


  • Yeah, I know I said "any way you want it" but it only comes with pickles, mustard, ketchup and these crappy fries.
  • Perhaps "love" is a bit strong, but I am somewhat fond of LA.
  • Forget about me already! Sheesh!
  • Instead of taking me to Funkytown, how about I take you to Walgreens for some air freshener, and roll-on.
  • You can turn around. Der Comissar's at EuroDisney.
  • On second thought, Amadeus, just mind your own damn business.
  • OK, I confess. I was born on the Canadian side of Niagra Falls.
  • Love cuts like a skill saw.
  • His name was Jack but hers was Ethel.
  • Don't put your hand inside the puppet head! I put a rat trap in there. 
  • I thought I felt it comin' in the air tonight, but it turned out to be gophers, underfoot. Boy, do I feel stupid!
  • I never kissed the sky. It was actually a fogbank.
  • Turns out I was crazy. That's why I thought I was impaired!
  • I never so much "ruled the world" as bullied my pet hamsters and the guy who sleeps on the stoop outside.
  • If I lay here, if I just lay here ...would you get up and fetch me a beer?
  • I checked with corporate and I have to apologize. You really are the boss of me.
  • It wasn't a sex farm at all. It was a sex ranch.
  • Turns out, I was working on a Guatelmalan radio.
  • It turns out, Joe DiMaggio was sellin' coffee on the television the whole time!  
  • You're on your own, Major Tom. 
  • It was really my Pinochle face.
  • I pretty much get fooled every election.
  • You can put me in coach, but I've got a massive hangover.
  • Major Tom actually never left earth. He got lost in the television studio. #rockconspiracies
  • Were the end of the world to happen, I would probably be in a world of hurt.
  • Those only reason I was singing "Fire!" is because Peter Buck gave me a hot foot during that take.
  • Leave those old records on the shelf. I've got them on my iPod, now.
  • Like a bridge over troubled water, eventually, I will buckle and collapse into a wet, messy pile of junk.
  • As it turns out, folks don't lend a hand at all in a hell hole.
  • They were really dull, miserable people.
  • Yes, yes, yes let's start! This is the best part!
  • Baby, love's got everything to do with it!
  • Time is flowing like Heinz ketchup.
  • The levy was filled deep and loaded with bass. I fished for hours.
  • Hell yes, we started the fire!
  • The only reason there was smoke on the water is because we put the fire out.
  • Do not take me on. You'd whip me in a fair fight and then I really would be gone. Doo doo doo doo dooooooo. 
  • Ricky didn't blow her mind. It was the Colt 45.
  • Ricky didn't blow her mind, it was the malt liquor. #twitterretractions
  • I have 57 photographs of you and I spend all day wishing.
  • The answer was blowing in my bong.
  • Some people are roller skating USA.
  • I like eagles, but I really flew like a Gypsy Moth.
  • It was more like a hop, rather than a jump. 
  • She was just an above-average freak. 
  • On second thought, stay over there Eileen. You smell a bit. 
  • Our house was really in the garden like other houses.
  • We would like to rock you, but we have weak arms.
  • I would never, ever shock a real monkey. 
  • Actually, that smells like teen flopsweat.
  • Actually, if you feel it, it probably is there least if it's a tomahawk.
  • I can live with or without you. I mean, otherwise, I'd be dead already.
  • They really only call me Mr. Love, Esq.
  • Not only will I be your beast of burden, I will paint your house.
  • I exaggerated. Dude looks like one of those Redskins fans with the dresses and the pig noses.
  • We can't dance at all, much less when we want to. It would be dangerous.
  • Actually, we only burned down the "outhouse."
  • As it turns out, she wasn't actually an evil woman. She was oppositional-defiant.
  • I know we said "Don't look back," but then we started to think, "What if some creepy guy's behind us?"
Yes, yes I love this topic. How did you guess?

*Normally, I refer to we denizens of Twitter as "Twits" but really, only a few of us merit that nomenclature.
** To get the full effect, you have to imagine it being said in the Darth Vader voice.

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Monday, September 13, 2010

That Is One Smokin' Golf Swing

A golfer in California has a game so hot, it started a wildfire.

The reality of what happened to the poor, unnamed duffer is that he hit a rock during a swing and the resultant sparks ingnited a blaze that, according to the AP source in the article, covered 25 acres.

As Jay Busbee of Yahoo!'s Devil Ball Golf blog points out, "This is going to inspire a raft of bad Sportscenter-esque 'When we say he set the course on fire, he really set the course on fire!' jokes."  Well, of course it is! This is like your birthday and Christmas present rolled into one. Frankly, this sort of thing deserves some really bad jokes. I didn't even bother looking at the comments section for the article, in case someoine beat me to one of these.

  • Ball before rock, dude. Ball before rock.
  • As it turns out, starting a fire is a two-stroke penalty.
  • Playing the course was on his bucket list. Apparently, it took 1000 buckets to pour out the fire.
  • If only the guy was near a sand trap.  With his swing he could have buried that fire in under 3 strokes.
  • On the bright side, the golfer was a Boy Scout. He got his fire-starting merit badge out of the deal.
  • It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't double-bogied the hole.
  • Can Tiger's year get any worse?
  • Nice shot Johnny Blaze! Next time ride your freakin' flaming golf cart to the tennis courts, willya?
  • The sad part is, 20 minutes after they put out the fire the course sprinklers came on.
  • You know you've had a bad round when the firefighters have to play through.
  • Make you kinda long for the good old days of wooden clubs.
  • Good thing this guy's ball didn't land next to some uranium.

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September 11th

This post is a day late but it hardly seems like 9 years ago when the Towers came down and the Pentagon was in flames. To all those who lost loved ones on the flights and in the buildings and on the streets, God keep and comfort you. We won't forget them or you.