You mess with Harpo Marx, you get the horns.

Friday, August 12, 2005

The McKenzie Brothers doing surgery, eh?

Two scalpel wielding Canadian teenagers sprang into action this week to save some kittens whose mother had unfortunately died. Most teenage girls are selling lemonade beside the road or foisting Girl Scout cookies on unsuspecting adults but not these two. The teens found the pregnant dead cat and after performing a caesarian section saved two kittens, I guess the cat couldn’t be saved because they didn’t have any little defibrillator paddles to use. While this was a valiant effort it does pose some alarming questions concerning Canada’s healthcare system. It seems the passed-on pussycat received quicker and better medical service than most people can get in most of the provinces or territories.

It is in this vain that we recommend to our neighbors to the north steps that can be taken to overcome some of the healthcare woes they suffer. Surely, if two young girls can provide surgical services to deceased felines, gratis of course, other institutions of the country can do their part to help out.

1. Tim Horton’s could provide angioplasty with every order of a dozen doughnuts and an iced cappuccino. They could also provide free dental cleaning to all customers on the way out the door.

2. Canadian NHL teams could bring back the fans with promotions like “Colonoscopy Night” or “Prostate Exam Night”. I can assure you beer sales in the stadium would skyrocket on these nights.

3. The Royal Canadian Mounted could get onboard by staging “Get a Breast Exam by a Mountie” events around the country. I’m sure these would be very popular in the Territories.

4. Popular Canadian musician Avril Lavigne could promote hearing exams at her concerts. Personally I think head exams would be in order also.

So there you have it Canada, a call to arms!!! Get off your back-bacon and do something to take the reins of your national health crisis. That, or roving gangs of surgery-peddling teens might be taking to the streets of Montreal before your know it.

Stars on Ice! Sort of...

As anyone who's lived in America for longer than 6 months knows, America loves her dead stars. From Marilyn Monroe posters to rhapsodizing about Jimi Hendrix and Janis Joplin's music, to running repeats of Peanuts in over a jillion newspapers, America proves that being alive is not a prerequisite to being a celebrity.

Currently Lucille Ball is America's most beloved dead star (followed by Regulus Minor in the constellation of Cornucopia...OK, that was just a little astronomy joke.) Walt Disney would be at the top of the list, but as his head is rumoured to be cryogenically preserved in a vault somewhere in the San Gabriel Mountains (or possibly the Haunted Mansion least it looked like Walt), he is technically not eligible for the dead star roster.

Dead celebrities can still do ads as well. John Wayne can still swagger through beer commercials as though he were full of the real thing. Fred Astaire dances with a vacuum cleaner, even though he never touched one in real life, as his housemaid Conchita did all the vacuuming. There are even reports of remaking George Romero's Night of the Living Dead one more time, with real dead celebrities in the roles of the zombies. Unfortunately, they've run into real problems getting contracts signed, if you know what I mean.

In fact, dead stars are such the rage that many living celebrities are considering snuffing themselves, just for the publicity. The only reason Katie Holmes agreed to marry Tom Cruise is because he declared that he would eat a hand grenade if she didn't. He reportedly still tells people (well, the coterie of Scientologists he surrounds himself with) that he could have got on the cover of Time if he had run over himself with a Zamboni, but loves Katie so much that he settled for the cover of People and The Star. Much couch-bouncing ensues after he says this kind of thing.

So the next time you're thinking about meeting someone famous, remember...they could be a real stiff, and that's much hipper than some live egomaniac with an attitude and an entourage.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

MTV Jackass! goes to Yankee Stadium?

Last night, during a game between the New York Yankees and the Chicago White Sox, a fan, apparently driven to madness by boredom, leapt from the upper deck of Yankee Stadium and fell 40 feet on to a safety net below.

The fan, Scott Harper, told police that he was "Doing an audition tape for Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus...but if they don't enjoy my work, I hear MTV Jackass! might make a comeback." A spokesman for Ringling Bros. called Mr. Harper's leap "amateurish" and stated that the world famous circus could "find 3-legged carny geeks that can fall better than that."

In a related story, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner stated that the franchise would be extending the safety net to the full length of the upper deck and changing the "Seventh-Inning Stretch" to the "Seventh-Inning Plunge". "I really think we've got something here," said Steinbrenner, while counting through a wad of thousand-dollar bills. "We proved the net can hold the weight of at least one person, and I've been looking for a gimmick to raise the price on upper deck seats for years."

The Yankees will kickoff this new feature in their interleague home game against the Colorado Rockies. Coincidentally, "Take A Dive for the Yankees Night" will also feature nickel beer.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Nerdlies of the World Unite

It is no longer worthy of ostracizing to be a how you going to say nerd or dork or geek, because as we are learning more and more with the years going by, the nerdier you are in the high school the higher you will climb the ladder of financial, technological, cultural and strategic military success. This is why Bill Gates both a multi-billionaire and the current owner of the original batcave and the sacredly secret moon caverns of the golden pheonix. Yes, because he was the how you going to say mega nerd of America, so he earn that right. This is why Juan Carlos Vega no longer ashamed to admit his number one hobby, because in light of Trekkers and Trekkies and psuedo-Jedi and Mac users, I no longer have anything about which to be the how you going to say ashamed. This is because Juan Carlos Vega for many years has been what we call an Afamdoid (that is AFaMDoid, which is an Action Figure and/or Miniature Doll collector, but which sound cooler to say Afamdoid). I tell you, we are not dork-meisters of the universe, neither geek-masters of the galaxy. And no we are not nerd-lords of the neutral zone either or reject-kings of the casbah . In fact, we are the ones who are how you going to say raking in the dough, getting dates with the babes and going to the wild party style conventions of looking at and trading with other Afamdoids. You don't believe me? You will, Dr. Jones. You will become a true believer! Here are the top ten AFs or MDs of my collection with their current dollar value, so you will see how it is that Juan Carlos has by himself become the thirty-fifth largest economic system in the world.

10. Boba Fett with sixth finger -- a factory reject because they give him the extra finger. Current value $500

9. E.T. enjoys Kahlua -- limited edition ET figure made to celebrate the 500th anniversary of the discovery of Kahlua off the coast of San Diego. Only fifty of these were made before drunk children burn down factory. Current value $501.

8. The Horse Head from the Godfather -- Yes, they made an action figure of the decapitated horse head, but they give him a big smile and a bow in his hair so he don't frighten the youth. Also, when you pull his string, he say one of two funny phrases: "M'daggone body fell off" and "Where'd all m'blood leak out to, kids?" Current value $700

7. Woman on Stairs (from Battleship Potemkin) -- This very limited edition 14'' tall figure of a woman running down stairs from the blockbuster 1973 remake of The Battleship Potemkin was taken off the market after it was discover that they molded the face out of a mercury/lead mixture. But a hardcore Afamdoid don't fear the reaper, man. Current value $1000.

6. Warwick Davis' Creeping Hand -- Made from a real plaster cast of the master's hand, based on the character of Warwick Davis' hand from the 1996 direct-to-video hit The Creeping Hand Goes to Broadway. It is battery powered, so the pinky finger will actually twitch and snarl and come after you. Current value $15,000.

5. Cranston's Sacred Eyeballs -- This is really just a Ziploc bag full of little tiny plastic googly eyeballs, but a guy at an Afamdoid convention (the '98 Wichita 'Doid Con) told me it is from some book about sacred eyeballs that conquer the mold people of Venus, and that it was a free prize in boxes of Post Choco-Globs in the summer of '79, and also that it's current value is $25,000.

4. Tony the Tiger Cereal Rampage -- They only made fifteen of these, a tie-in to an advertizing campaign for Frosted Flakes Cereal in the UK (there called Her Majesty's Frosted Shooger Crisps) in which Tony must defend Cereal Town from the knife-weilding Blue Meanies of Nutricionville. The action figure Tony is dual-wielding .44 Magnums and smashing a Blue Meanie between his sharp teeth. Beautifully rendered with meticulous detail and real dripping Meanie blood (pineapple flavored). Current value $27,900.

3. Mehekki-Lekki -- Yes, I made an action figure back in the heyday of the Waste of Time Production's biggest cinematic hit, Lost Brother. Mehekki-Lekki was the character who uttered the immortal lines "I have only done what I had to do. When evil enters the world, I go forth, I take it by the neck, and I turn its head around, and it dies. This has ever been as it was, and is ever going to be as it will be." I could only afford to made eight of these, and I molded them out of candle wax so they are very fragile and kept in magnesium-sealed levitating vacuum cubes. Current value $75,000.

2. Trump the Figure -- A toy prize in boxes of limited edition Trump the Sugar Popped Cereal (limited because the box was made of 5 caret gold and cost $200 a box), this Trump action figure is powered by five AAA batteries and can walk, move its hands and arms, play chess, say one of seven million choice phrases, steal your bank account number, drive a car and become sentient within six hours of leaving the box. The government destroyed all but six of these figures so as to prevent world-conquering events of Speibergian magnitude. Current value $Your Soul.

1. Boba Fett with Realistic Vomiting Action -- It might surprise some of you that this is the number one most valuable action figure in Juan Carlos' entire collection, but you don't get to make such decisions so how you going to say lay off. This action figure was based on the deleted scene from Return of the Jedi where Boba Fett accidentally eats a festering horse tail and dies. George Lucas decide he want Boba to die in a more lame fashion, so he change it to make him die by falling into a spikey hole and scream like the woman. Only two of these figures were hand carved by Mark Hamill during his slave shop days in Peru. Current Value $Calfornia.

You might wonder why I did not include pictures of any of these action figures. Well, you see, the flash of a camera damages the latex finish of the paint. Also, I must keep these figures in a fully dark sealed chamber, because all forms of sunlight, artificial light and air can eat away at the Super-Mint Condition which has been certified by Elgy Fattenhappi, President of the Local Afamdoid Society. For this reason, even I myself have not seen these figures in many years, for I daren't open the door to the chamber and thereby diminish their value.

Are you interested in becoming an Afamdoid? Then go to our official website for the local chapter today. We meet twice a month to talk about AFs and MDs and sip RC cola and watch reruns of Diff'rent Strokes and laugh and run around the building, shrieking, and prank call Mark Hamill, and throw balloons filled with vinegar in each other's eyes. See you there. I'll tell Elgy to save you a seat.

Monday, August 08, 2005

You forgot to duck, dude!

Researchers have made the claim that while some forms of life were snuffed out by meteroites, other life forms made have been aided by the same.

A dramatization follows:

Scene: Somewhere in the late Cretaceous Period. A Wednesday. Noon. In present day Cleveland. The rough side of town.

A majestic prehistoric jungle. The trees rise as high as giant Manute Bols. The air is as steamy as a Tommy Lee/Pamela Sue Anderson home movie, only not as foul smelling. The floor of the jungle is overrun with ferns, ivy, and prehistoric Kudzu, covering the fantastic post-Jurassic linoleum, laid down by the Allosaurs.

In the midst of this jungle sits a small weasel-like mammal, one of the first of its kind. It is nibbling on one of the ferns. Behind it, with unusual stealth, creeps up a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Slowly, it moves closer to the weasel ancestor, its great jaws opening slowly, saliva dripping onto the jungle floor, just like in the movie Alien (Ian Holm, not the Alien.) The tiny mammal sits, oblivious to its impending fate, until, inches away, the shadow of the great lizard drapes over the weasel-like creature like Roseanne Barr over Tom Arnold's reputation.

Suddenly, from out of the sky, a large meteorite zooms down, flattening the Tyrannosaur like a roadkill under a truck convoy, but completely missing the mammal.

Mammal: (Does a Red Skelton double-take) How about them apples!

He lopes off into the foilage to reproduce at a rate that would make a Pakistani blush.


Snuppy love?!?!?!

Please excuse my absence last week but I was traveling to South Korea to report on the latest scientific achievement from the land of Hyundai’s. Many of you saw the story that scientists at Seoul National University had cloned a dog, which they gave the moniker Snuppy which is short for Seoul National University puppy. Apparently the Koreans took adult dog skin cells and did a Harry Potter number on them producing a puppy from the adult cells.

In today’s society there are of course varying opinions on the ethical and moral dilemmas of cloning but the possibilities with canines are intriguing. Just think if we could have cloned Lassie, Rin Tin Tin, or Benji and exposed another generation to the exploits of these plucky little flea traps. Why if this dog cloning had been around only thirty years ago we might still be enthralled by the adventures of Joe and the inestimable Sergeant Corey from Run Joe, Run.

I was able to secure the first interview with Snuppy using Seoul Universities newly invented universal dog translating equipment and software.

Stew: Snuppy can you understand me?

Snuppy: Arf Arf Woof Arf eeeeeewwwwwweeeeeeeewwwww…Whoa, that always freaks me out when humans start talking to me.

Stew: So, how does it feel to be the first cloned dog?

Snuppy: Feels great Stew, I really don’t feel any different from your common pooch except of course for the pooping out of my nose.

Stew: That must be an annoyance.

Snuppy: Well, they say they’re working on it but… man, it can get to be a bit smelly at times. I try to avoid beans and eggs as much as possible.

Stew: I understand that the university team is working on other cloned creatures to add to the stable, no pun intended.

Snuppy: Ha, Ha very funny. They are working on a few things, the only ones I have seen so far are the SNitten, Red SNapper, SNuffleupagus, and SiNead O’Connor.

Stew: Sinead O’Connor?

Snuppy: Yeah, I don’t know where that one is coming from either, but I think it has to do with the bald chick who hangs around tearing up pictures of the pope.

Stew: That’s interesting…AHHHH!!!!!!! What in the name of Methuselah is THAT!!!!!!!

Snuppy: That’s just a superfluous tentacle, seems a bit of the squid DNA got mixed up in my Petri dish. I think they said they were working on a super snoctopus or something.

Stew: That’s weird. Snuppy, don’t take this wrong but you’re a freak of nature.

Snuppy: Yeah, well…Arf Woof Arf Arf Woof.

Stew: Sorry I didn’t quite catch that.

Snuppy: You didn’t want to believe me.

Stew: What do they have in store for you now?

Snuppy: They haven’t told me but I plan on making a break for it if anyone decides they need a little protein with their kimchi if you know what I mean.

Stew: Well, good luck Snuppy, whatever life throws at you.

Snuppy: Free Mumia!! (click) Arf Arf Woof Arf Arf.

And with that Snuppy was returned to the kennel where he will undoubtedly live to a ripe old age.

A New Week...

...with vacations over and a relatively blank news slate. We'll try to pick things up from here.

Oh, and Osama wasn't caught yesterday and Arsenal still lost. Have I said how much I despise both Osama and Chelsea (Osama much more for obvious reasons)

Surely Tom Cruise will do something utterly insane this week...

Sunday, August 07, 2005

The Perils of Sport

The summer has had us a bit down here at DOUI, and we apologize for the reduced number of posts. My computer travails have kept my numbers down. (Expected PC delivery date: Thursday - so expect no posts from Earl around then as I will be setting up the PC and putting in all the essential software, such as Championship Manager, Links LS, and, if I get around to it, MS Office.) Jorge Carlito remains intermittent at best, due to movie productions and stalking Warwick Davis. Stew still has no Internet access at home, making him less connected than Osama Bin Laden, who seems to have the only caves in Afghanistan (Pakistan, Iran, or wherever the evil bastard is) with Internet access.

Speaking of Osucka, I learnt something very distressing about Al Queda's front man. Apparently Osama is a Gooner. For those of you not familiar with soccer, Gooners are of course the loyal fans of Arsenal football club in England (The Gunners, or Gooners in the local vernacular.) Faithful readers of this blog know that I am a faithful Gooner (and will be watching the FA Community Shield to see the Gunners down Chelsea tomorrow), so finding out that terrorist number 1 is an Arsenal fan is a spectacularly awful discovery. I was sure he was Spurs, Chelsea , or perhaps Dagenham & Redbridge. Alas, no.

Apparently, when Osama was in London as a student, he became entranced with the Gunners and may even have attended a few matches. The thought of this wild-eyed promoter of mass-murder bouncing up and down on the terraces on the Clock End after a Liam Brady goal gives me a large stomach-ache. They say that you can always find something good about anyone, and, as we are all created in the image of God, I certainly believe it. I suppose this is Osama's silver lining. A pity the cloud itself is a bloodbath slice of hell.

So, I suppose we'll have plenty of Arsenal/Osama jokes from opposing fans this year and beyond. Let them come. We can just start rumours that Hitler was a Tottenham man, Pol Pot a Cottager, Kim Il Sung a Lions man, and Mao Tse Tung a Geordie. Castro? Well, he's a baseball guy.

Sports is really quite strange sometimes. So I have this in common with the plotter of the most devastating terrorist attack on American soil, that we'll both be pulling against Chelsea tomorrow. If someone would just catch this murderer, I could live with a loss.

Some things are more important than sports or comedy.