It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Nerdlies of the World Unite

It is no longer worthy of ostracizing to be a how you going to say nerd or dork or geek, because as we are learning more and more with the years going by, the nerdier you are in the high school the higher you will climb the ladder of financial, technological, cultural and strategic military success. This is why Bill Gates both a multi-billionaire and the current owner of the original batcave and the sacredly secret moon caverns of the golden pheonix. Yes, because he was the how you going to say mega nerd of America, so he earn that right. This is why Juan Carlos Vega no longer ashamed to admit his number one hobby, because in light of Trekkers and Trekkies and psuedo-Jedi and Mac users, I no longer have anything about which to be the how you going to say ashamed. This is because Juan Carlos Vega for many years has been what we call an Afamdoid (that is AFaMDoid, which is an Action Figure and/or Miniature Doll collector, but which sound cooler to say Afamdoid). I tell you, we are not dork-meisters of the universe, neither geek-masters of the galaxy. And no we are not nerd-lords of the neutral zone either or reject-kings of the casbah . In fact, we are the ones who are how you going to say raking in the dough, getting dates with the babes and going to the wild party style conventions of looking at and trading with other Afamdoids. You don't believe me? You will, Dr. Jones. You will become a true believer! Here are the top ten AFs or MDs of my collection with their current dollar value, so you will see how it is that Juan Carlos has by himself become the thirty-fifth largest economic system in the world.

10. Boba Fett with sixth finger -- a factory reject because they give him the extra finger. Current value $500

9. E.T. enjoys Kahlua -- limited edition ET figure made to celebrate the 500th anniversary of the discovery of Kahlua off the coast of San Diego. Only fifty of these were made before drunk children burn down factory. Current value $501.

8. The Horse Head from the Godfather -- Yes, they made an action figure of the decapitated horse head, but they give him a big smile and a bow in his hair so he don't frighten the youth. Also, when you pull his string, he say one of two funny phrases: "M'daggone body fell off" and "Where'd all m'blood leak out to, kids?" Current value $700

7. Woman on Stairs (from Battleship Potemkin) -- This very limited edition 14'' tall figure of a woman running down stairs from the blockbuster 1973 remake of The Battleship Potemkin was taken off the market after it was discover that they molded the face out of a mercury/lead mixture. But a hardcore Afamdoid don't fear the reaper, man. Current value $1000.

6. Warwick Davis' Creeping Hand -- Made from a real plaster cast of the master's hand, based on the character of Warwick Davis' hand from the 1996 direct-to-video hit The Creeping Hand Goes to Broadway. It is battery powered, so the pinky finger will actually twitch and snarl and come after you. Current value $15,000.

5. Cranston's Sacred Eyeballs -- This is really just a Ziploc bag full of little tiny plastic googly eyeballs, but a guy at an Afamdoid convention (the '98 Wichita 'Doid Con) told me it is from some book about sacred eyeballs that conquer the mold people of Venus, and that it was a free prize in boxes of Post Choco-Globs in the summer of '79, and also that it's current value is $25,000.

4. Tony the Tiger Cereal Rampage -- They only made fifteen of these, a tie-in to an advertizing campaign for Frosted Flakes Cereal in the UK (there called Her Majesty's Frosted Shooger Crisps) in which Tony must defend Cereal Town from the knife-weilding Blue Meanies of Nutricionville. The action figure Tony is dual-wielding .44 Magnums and smashing a Blue Meanie between his sharp teeth. Beautifully rendered with meticulous detail and real dripping Meanie blood (pineapple flavored). Current value $27,900.

3. Mehekki-Lekki -- Yes, I made an action figure back in the heyday of the Waste of Time Production's biggest cinematic hit, Lost Brother. Mehekki-Lekki was the character who uttered the immortal lines "I have only done what I had to do. When evil enters the world, I go forth, I take it by the neck, and I turn its head around, and it dies. This has ever been as it was, and is ever going to be as it will be." I could only afford to made eight of these, and I molded them out of candle wax so they are very fragile and kept in magnesium-sealed levitating vacuum cubes. Current value $75,000.

2. Trump the Figure -- A toy prize in boxes of limited edition Trump the Sugar Popped Cereal (limited because the box was made of 5 caret gold and cost $200 a box), this Trump action figure is powered by five AAA batteries and can walk, move its hands and arms, play chess, say one of seven million choice phrases, steal your bank account number, drive a car and become sentient within six hours of leaving the box. The government destroyed all but six of these figures so as to prevent world-conquering events of Speibergian magnitude. Current value $Your Soul.

1. Boba Fett with Realistic Vomiting Action -- It might surprise some of you that this is the number one most valuable action figure in Juan Carlos' entire collection, but you don't get to make such decisions so how you going to say lay off. This action figure was based on the deleted scene from Return of the Jedi where Boba Fett accidentally eats a festering horse tail and dies. George Lucas decide he want Boba to die in a more lame fashion, so he change it to make him die by falling into a spikey hole and scream like the woman. Only two of these figures were hand carved by Mark Hamill during his slave shop days in Peru. Current Value $Calfornia.

You might wonder why I did not include pictures of any of these action figures. Well, you see, the flash of a camera damages the latex finish of the paint. Also, I must keep these figures in a fully dark sealed chamber, because all forms of sunlight, artificial light and air can eat away at the Super-Mint Condition which has been certified by Elgy Fattenhappi, President of the Local Afamdoid Society. For this reason, even I myself have not seen these figures in many years, for I daren't open the door to the chamber and thereby diminish their value.

Are you interested in becoming an Afamdoid? Then go to our official website for the local chapter today. We meet twice a month to talk about AFs and MDs and sip RC cola and watch reruns of Diff'rent Strokes and laugh and run around the building, shrieking, and prank call Mark Hamill, and throw balloons filled with vinegar in each other's eyes. See you there. I'll tell Elgy to save you a seat.

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