If cable theft you commit, we will NOT acquit.

What O.J. Simpson has done is beyond the pale. According to a report published at the reputable E-Online website it has been confirmed that The Juice was [dramatic pause] stealing satellite television. Now, I know that Orethal James has had a checkered past but stealing satellite TV is an unforgivable action. People work very hard everyday to provide us with fine programs like Monday Night Football, Sunday Afternoon Football, Capricorn One, and those shows on Court TV. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to prejudge OJ as I hear he is looking for the real “cable thieves”, but I just have a feeling something is fishy in Miami.

Be that as it may we present the:

“Top Ten reasons O.J. was stealing satellite TV”

10. Thought he could re-edit footage of the Naked Gun series to show he wasn’t the real killer.

9. Couldn’t get his TIVO to edit out those damned annoying Teletubbies.

8. Kato Kaelin had to have work.

7. Due to civil trial verdict he can’t afford it. (Wait that might be true)

6. Had to have entertainment for the big reunion party with Chris Darden, Marcia Clark, and Mark Fuhrman. Hey after all, they got him off.

5. His addiction to the Home Shopping Network. He can’t get enough Bruno Magli loafers and leather gloves, not to mention his extensive knife collection.

4. Claimed that Al Cowlings was going to pay the bill but “you know how slow he drives.”

3. Three words, El Sabado Gigante.

2. Claims the elves dancin’ around the ghost of Elvis told him if he stole television signals they would reveal the “real killers”. (Hat tip to Earl’s host)

1. Oh hell, let’s admit it. He’s guilty.