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Sunday, July 24, 2005

Name that Baby!

One of the big crazes these days among new parents is choosing a name for your child that is out of the ordinary. Rather than selecting tried and true, old-fashioned and comfortingly familiar sobriquets, like John or Mary, parents are seeking more exotic monikers for their tots, such as Juandalynn, Kreeli, and Apple.

While we at DOUI feel terribly sorry for the children subjected to this self-indulgent twaddle, we don't wish to be too judgmental, given that these children's loony parents are potential readers of this site. (We mean the word "loony" in all love and respect.) So, in order to help some of you out, I have compiled a sample list of designer names, from my upcoming reference tome, Baby Names for Celebrities. Browse through them, and if you find something you like, feel free to use it. Just please don't let your child know where you found the name, for when they finally have their breakdown and turn homicidal.

Suggested Baby Names

by (Name withheld for fear of loonies)

Abobobobobobob - Male. Derivative of Bob, Robert, Bobby, and Bob-bob. Origin: Made up just for this bit. Meaning: He who is likely to repeat himself.

Burtopatamus - Male. Derivative of Burt, and Pat. Origin: Latin, or maybe Greek. Quite possibly Urdu or even Creole. Meaning: The offspring of Burt Reynolds and a Hippo.

Cellular - Female. Origin: Cingular, AT&T, Sprint, etc. Meaning: She who asks, "Can you hear me now?"

Drizzlella - Female, except in Somalia, Portugal, and parts of Idaho. Origin: Martian. Meaning: She who was conceived during a light rain.

Ecugarichterfrappaloozepaloosa - Male and Female. Origin: Woodstock, well into the gunja-weed. Meaning: Wow, man! I am so baked!

F - Male, Female, Children of undetermined sex. Origin: Oxford English Dictionary. Meaning: The one whose name, if fully spelled out, would be too naughty for this particular web site. (Alternate meaning, from the Welsh: They, who stir their frappucino with a leek.)

Ginzu - Male. Origin: Japanese, via Infommercials. Meaning: Serrated.

Hassanchop - Male. Origin: A Warner Brothers cartoon, starring Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. Meaning: The slow of mind one will slice the little black duck into pieces. (Alternate meaning: Consequences, schmonsequences...)

Iggly - Female. Derivative of Iggy, and Igloo. Origin: Pidgin Eskimo. Meaning: Frigid, but only on the outside.

Jizzlella - Female. Origin: Def Jam Concert, Episode 17. Meaning: Frizzle, Sphizzle.

Kringlulous - Male. Origin: Reader's Digest. Meaning: He who resembles a flaky Danish pastry.

Well, I don't have room for the whole alphabet, but I hope this will whet your appetite for the book. Best wishes to all the little Jizzlellas and Burtopatamuses out there. Go easy on your parents. They were overcome with liquor when they named you, just like when they conceived you.

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