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Friday, July 22, 2005

A Superbluous Vacation...

At least that's what I hope it will be when I, Mrs. Fando, and the littlest Fando set off for Washington D.C. next week. I fully intend to post on a regular basis and also to entice one of our potential collaborators to join us here on the blog. This business aside, I thought I'd run down a brief itenerary of the trip for our many fans (You know who you are!)

Day One - Drive all day. Eat at crappy fast food restaurants. Stay in something a cut above the Days Inn. Hire a lawyer to handle the Days Inn lawsuit. Post, if there is a wireless connection and Mrs. Fando will let me borrow the laptop. Sleep like a comatose bear in winter.

Day Two - Drive until we reach D.C. or pass out from exhaustion (we'll be the swerving vehicle with the laptop in the front seat. I'll try to wear a white t-shirt so you'll know me.) Settle down with family. Mooch bottled water from fridge. Sleep like Walt Disney.

Day Three - Sleep until noon. Take the Metro into DC and avoid rush hour and all the people we've hacked off by pointing out what a vicious bastard Osama Bin Laden is. Attend the DC United/Chelsea match that evening. I'll be the one disguised as Jose Mourinho on the sideline. As an Arsenal fan, attempt to confuse Chelsea by leading chants of "Come on City!" and "One-nil to the Arsenal!" Ask Freddy Adu to sponsor the blog.

Day Four - Sleep until one. Visit Kings Dominion. Ride the Scooby-Doo coaster until I upchuck the onion rings I had for breakfast. Go to the top of the Eiffel Tower replica there and do my best Inspector Clouseau impersonation in the elevator. Drive back early. Sleep like a a mummy.

Day Five and Six - Sleep until two. Visit Smithsonian, Monuments, and Capitol. Call Ted Kennedy a souse, then offer to buy him a drink. Watch as his head explodes like one of those androids on Star Trek. Loudly ask Denny Hastert to fix me an Ultimate Omelet.

Day Seven - Drive like a bat out of hell for a day. Stay in a hotel with a mini bar.

Day Eight - Try not to sleep while driving. Do the headbanging move from Wayne's World while passing cops. Arrive home. Sleep until October.

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