Harry Potter - The Inside Story!

24 hours from now, like 75% of the English-speaking world, I will be sitting, possibly standing in a crowded bookstore filled with people young and old, all dressed as witches, wizards, giants, werewolves, and Dennis Bergkamp (this last one will be me in my Arsenal jersey.) For J.K. Rowling's newest Harry Potter book is about to be released to an eager and pathologically obsessed world. People far and wide, carrying broomsticks, wands, and Arsenal team scarves (me again) will be desperate to learn the intimate details of the young wizard's life. Fortunately, Rowling keeps the book far cleaner than some of her fans would like, and they'll have to make do with adventure, mystery, and action that doesn't take place in the backseat of a magic carriage.

However, I, Earl Fando, already know what's going to happen in the book. As those of you who can read English know, a few copies of the novel were "accidentally" sold to 12 people in Canada, and one person in the US. While a Canadian judge has ordered the owners to not discuss, read, open, look at, or stand within a half-mile of the books, the information is all ready out there for those clever and deranged enough to seek it.

Without revealing specifics, I was able to gain photos of each page via a CIA spy satellite, a robot (not the Japanese one, mind you), a fan, a broomstick, and 470,000 marbles. I should warn you that what follows are specific revelations from this newest Potter volume. Those who don't want to know the details yet, have weak constitutions, or who aren't easily taken in by this sort of thing, should not read beyond this sentence.

• Harry dies and the last book is called Ron Weasley and the Trouble with Harry.

No, just kidding. Actually, you shoudn't read beyond this sentence.

• Hagrid gets male-pattern-baldness and becomes a monk. (No, not this Monk.)

Just kidding again! OK, this is the one you shouldn't read beyond.

• Harry Potter's aged headmaster and mentor Dumbledore retires and becomes a private detective in Southern California. Using a combination of intelligent sleuthing and magic that would make David Copperfield's head swim he whiles away hs golden years solving mysterious, yet ridiculous crimes. This sets the stage for Harry's growing independence and also a nifty CBS detective series on Sunday evenings.
• Werewolf Remus Lupin is offered a deal to remake The Wolf Man by Universal Pictures. This goes into turnaround and he's stuck making a remake of Michael J. Fox's minor hit Teen Wolf. After being deemed to old for the part and replaced by Jack Black, he is forced to make a living as the team mascot of the Minnesota Timberwolves. Unfortunately, he loses even this job after savaging Kevin Garnett and Wally Szczerbiak during a pre-season game with Memphis.
• Harry's best friend, Ron Weasley, writes a tell-all book about Harry's struggles, his infatuation with Hermione Granger, his feud with teacher and Bela Lugosi impersonator Severus Snape, and his addiction to Viagra. The book is also loaded with "wand" jokes.
• Hagrid does get male-pattern-baldness. (Ha!) Anyway, he solves the problem by shaving his head completely and sucking on a lollipop, driving the chicks wild and setting up yet another CBS drama: Giant Kojak.
• Harry and Ron love interest Hermione Granger magically alters her voice and enters a Hollywood singing contest, kicking the living crap out of Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan, who respond by engaging each other in a ferocious catfight, then join forces to beat up Brittney Spears on pay-per-view TV. After the requisite plastic surgery, she remakes That Darn Cat, playing the Hayley Mils/Christina Ricci/Dean Jones roles.
• Twins Fred and George Weasley, Ron Weasley's comical brothers do a tour of the Catskills and then play Vegas, where they magically "pants" Wayne Newton during a show at the Hilton. Wayne responds by putting a hit on the twins, who are dispatched by Harvey Keitel and Robert De Niro while riding a tandem bicycle.
• Harry himself runs off with Cameron Diaz, after she dumps Justin Timberlake for one too many wardrobe malfunctions and being "way too old for a hot chick like me." 4 weeks later, she dumps Harry for Charlie and the Chocolate Factory star Freddie Highmore.