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Wednesday, July 27, 2005

What can I get for a dollar?

If Godwin Kipkemoi Chepkurgor had his way he would now be hitched to ex-First Daughter Chelsea Clinton for the sum of 40 goats and 20 cows. Now, Hillary jokes aside, I think this 36 year old Kenyan might spark a revival of the defunct notion, at least in the United States, of a dowry. There was once a time when a man could at least expect a little payola for the notion of a man wedding his daughter, now the poor schmuck must shell out a small country’s GDP to throw a nice wedding.

There are certainly a bevy of young, beautiful Hollywood actresses that would bring a nice return on the investment of a lifetime. If any of their fathers wish to take me up on it I will be the mediator and arrange the exchange of their daughter’s hand for descent remuneration. Some examples of reasonable dowries follow:

* Natalie Portman: Twenty jawas, two landspeeders, and a case of Colt 45 from Lando Calrissian.

* Lindsay Lohan: Tickets to Disney World for life, compensation for cosmetic surgery, ear plugs, and a lifetime supply of Zoloft.

* Paris Hilton: Legal payments for scandals yet to be named, a slice of the Carl’s Jr. action, the remains of Tinkerbell in an unmarked sack, have the term “That’s hot” removed from the English language. (This last one may be difficult)

* Ashlee Simpson: Subscription to VH-1’s Where are They Now? so he can get the DVD when her episode comes out, return of some semblance of dignity, and 20 cows.

* Hilary Duff: More Disney World tickets, cruise to Alaska, 30 cows and a sheep.

I will perform the service for no money but it would be nice if a brother could get a cow or two.


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