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Tuesday, July 26, 2005

So Many Lies, So Many Lies

As we have already made you very aware in this Dictionary, USA Today published the supposed results of a pretend survey posing as the list of greatest bands in the history of bands according to e-mails received from persons in places as diverse as El Dorado, Arkansas and Little Rock, Arkansas. Pearl Jam win for having the best hair in face and oldest Doc Martens, and U2 didn't even make an appearance despite Bono having save the starving children of Capetown every day of the year. Good job, e-mail persons, good job not giving best choice to man who saving the childrens what starved in Capetown.

Well, Juan Carlos Vega become very suspicious about the means in which this survey was perpetrated upon America, so I decide to use the scientific methodology of survey to produce results far more accurate to the true tastes of America's music listeners. I used a complicated array of phone calling techniques, masses of unendorsed bulk business mail sent to one in seven houses in one in five cities located in one in eight states of the USofA, and also other secreter techniques that Mr. Gallup will not let me reveal.

Here, then, is the more accurate listing of the top ten rock 'n roll bands of all time, according to You the People.

1. Cornwaldy's Funtime Banjo Club -- "They've stayed true to their image and loyal to their formulae," wrote Gavin Riordan of Botswaddle, MI. "They've maintained a rigorous touring schedule for fifty seven years and none of 'em ever died on stage," whispered Klarke Barr of Untervayr, TX.

2. Porpoise Noises, USA -- "They are the best porpoise noise using band ever, man, ever in the history of noises," intoned Lucretia Borgia of Italy, OH. "They take sounds of nature and make natural sounds with them," informed Tony Tonee of Toe Knee, CA.

3. Bigg Oll Ghutt -- "He makes goodest songs with his harpsicord and his discordant screams," regulated Hugh Downs of Beavertown, FL. "He gave me a sandwich," illuminated Qwan Fwuong of Hong Kong, IL.

4. Gritty's Loudest Clicks -- "They've established a whole genre of click-based blues 'n roll that is succoring the suffering," groaned Frank Bank of Hanover, NY. "They probably ought to wear pants when they're onstage, but...whatever," shrugged Juanita Methodist of Baptist, IA.

5. Ain't You Heard That Biskit -- "The fabulousest nine-member all-harp death metal band I've ever known," hummed Basquette Kayse of Dallas, MS. "They sang about m'dog gittin' runned over by their tour bus," drawled Lucius Battle of Bull Run, SC.

6. Wimmin Cain't Swim Good -- "Nobody can touch 'em, on account of they don't let nobody touch 'em and live, 'cause they got, like, knives," undermoaned Thomas Letterman of Laytshow, AL. "I don't like it when people call me and ask me about rock bands. I usually shoot them kinds of peoples," stated Virgil Powder of Boone Country, AR.

7. Ronald Odor -- "The use of a triangle to summon a herd of harmoniously humming herbivores makes for one wicked concert, my bro," illustrated Jane Goodall of Chimptown, USA. "He has produced close to three hundred albums in the course of a six decade career, but I ain't never purchased one," admitted John Cusack of Fleasores, GA.

8. Reddest Britches -- "Ain't Reddest Britches basically just one old toothless guy sitting on his porch, playing a fiddle with no strings, humming old civil war songs, and asking for monetary donations from the cattle milling about the nearby field?" inquired Meeteater Smiggy of Springfield, MO. "Sumpin' about red pants, I guess," suggested Tom Tomorrow of Epcot, FL.

9. Really Quiet Nuns -- "Sometimes you just want people to shut up, and when they do, you willin' to pay a little money to keep 'em shut up," cheered Malcome Jamal Schwartzkoff of Diny's House, IL. "It's sort o' creepy like how they just stand on stage and say nuthin' and just stare at people for one hour with horse-hoof hats on they heads," muttered Jake Tolbert of Fayetteville, AR.

10. Toonses the Cat Who Could Play a Sitar -- "Never seen a cat play a sitar. What's a sitar? What's a cat? Did you bring the waterbuffalo steaks I demanded or shall I eat you instead?" asked Polar Bear McGee of Tulsa Zoo, OK. "Snarl! Snap!" hissed the biting crocodile in the storybook.

So there you go. The truth that USA Today did not want you to know! Then top ten greatest rock 'n roll bands of all time, according to the American People! Take this truth and ingest into yourself like a powerful ancient native medicine such as trepanning. Ding!


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