It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Have you placed a nomination yet? What are you waiting for, next Christmas??

Just one of the 2006 reminders I've promised regarding the 2006 Bloggies. (I'm a bit behind on that number...I may need to cut it back to 2,000 even.) We'd appreciate your nomination in any category, but especially the "Most Humorous Blog", and the "Best New Blog".

Here are 2,006 reasons we think we deserve your nomination (Editor's note: There are only twelve. Earl can't count at all.):

12. Earl, Stew, Juan, and Zimpter form the acronym "ESJZ", and that spells "quality"! All right, it obviously doesn't, but it does almost spell "ESPN". I'm asking Juan and Zimpter to change their names to Poltrice and Nanook to complete the illusion.

11. DOUI has the great scent of fried bacon! You have to press your nose against the monitor to get the full effect.

10. If we get nominated, we'll recreate "The Full Monty" on the blog! (Just the opening credits though. You really don't want the end, which I actually haven't seen because it personaly disgusts me.)

9. Oprah's on!!! (Sorry, wrong list. This one's from 12 reasons Juan Carlos Vega has neglected to post in the last few months.)

8. Everytime you log on to us, Bill Gates feels a nervous shiver down his back.

7. Every 5th post has useful household hints in secret code. This explains some of our less funny posts.

6. What, you want Snarkette.com to get nominated instead of us?

5. Because Elvis said to!! (Now where'd I put that handwritten crayon note from that bloke in Terre Haute, Indiana who assured me he was Elvis? I had no idea Elvis was blonde.)

4. If you nominate us, Baskin and Robbins will add a 32nd flavor ("Unfortunate Ripple")!

3. It really chuffs off Donald Trump when we win awards... not that he's actually heard of us...yet.

2. Stew will shave his head and get a tattoo that reads "I love marmalade" if we win an award. That's not official yet, as I haven't told him.

1. For the good of mankind and world peace! C'mon people, don't you care about world peace?!?

This is our 666th post...

...We're calling the exorcist now.

Update: There is no 666th post... We are proceeding directly to our 745th post. Only 255 posts to #1,000 and the big celebration at Spago's!!! (If we can sneak in.)

Friday, January 06, 2006

Dave versus Bill

This is two posts. First the serious one:

It wasn't pretty...We avoid partisan politics on this site as much as possible for a reason. That was the most uncomfortable interview I've seen on Letterman since Crispin Glover lauched a kung fu kick twelve inches from Dave's face.

Now the one you skipped the first one to read:

After the show Dave and Bill reconciled by getting smashed at a local Irish pub. Bill agreed to tattoo "I adore Cindy" on a buttock of his choosing and to send a dozen roses and a box of Mentos to Al Franken. Dave agreed to treat Sheehan "the way I used to treat Oprah" the next time she referred to a suicide bomber or insurgent as a freedom fighter. If she makes any veiled references to a "Jewish cabal", Letterman agreed to send Rush Limbaugh a box of Titleists.

Paul Shaffer, being Canadian, stayed out of the whole bloody mess, but did get the band to strike up a medley of hits by The Who and Fleetwood Mac as a way of splitting the difference.

In related news, Bill Clinton and Bob Dole announced that they were engaged, the sudden announcement coming after both accidentally wandered into the same showing of Brokeback Mountain. Their stunned spouses were last seen commiserating at a Washington Blockbuster Video store, trying to decide between Thelma and Louise and Season 4 of Ellen. Also, the Boston Red Sox and the New York Yankees agreed to combine their teams, playing alternate home games in Boston, New York, and Rhode Island. The new team will be called the East Coast Yank Sox. Finally, the Israelis and Palestinians, in a surprise news conference, agreed to share the Holy Land, referring to the conflict there as "a centruries long silly mistake".

We have some catching up to do!!!

Hello all. I've been awash in BCS bowl games and DOUI nostalgia for the last few days and have neglected the blog. Now that the new year is upon us we have a lot of work to do, and with our first anniversary quickly approaching we hope to attack the next with vim and vigor. Before I go on allow me to put in a plug for our humble blog in regards to the 2006 Bloggies (they couldn't come up with a better name?) and ask that you vote for us in the, Best Use of Goats Head Cheese in a Blog, category. (Here's my fingers crossed that we end up with the GOATY)

The college football national championship game between Texas and Southern California was quite the contest and, although I'm not a fan of either team, I came to two conclusions watching it. First, that you should never count out the underdog and second, automobile advertising is not only annoying it is downright deceptive. You have two yokels blathering on about Hemi's but what is worse is the end of the commercial where they advise you that the vehicle "starts" at $27,000, but as equipped in the commercial is $225,000. Oh wait! You mean I don't get the DVD player, gold bathtub, Cameron Diaz, or ion cannon. No, we in the lesser classes are left to use the base model which is equipped with a View-master, wet wipes, Roseanne Barr, and one of those bobble head dogs.

AS EQUIPPED



STARTS AT



Maybe it comes with the splash guards and pinstripe.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Someone's spiked Pat's coffee with mescaline again...

Pat Robertson claimed that Ariel Sharon's debilitating stroke was sent from God for "dividing God's land".

Now, as a Christian myself, Robertson's theological claims regarding the nature of the government of Israel and the "promised land" as described in the Bible, are something I would have some disagreement with.

As a Christian, a human being, a person well aware of his own sin and the grace that covers it, and someone still possessing enough of his mental faculties to not regularly behave like a loopy cad on national television (had I that access), Robertson's comments regarding Sharon's illness are an indication that Pat has not only spent too much time under hot television lights, but also, that he has gone barmy as a hegdehog in a balloon kiosk.

Doesn't Pat realize that if God sent divine punishment for every single stupid or incorrect thing we did regarding His Word and will, he would have been struck by lightning enough times to power Norfolk, Virginia through an AC outlet connected to his piehole for 30 years. (Which would currently be a much more productive use of said piehole.) He would have seen plagues that would have curled Cecil B. DeMille's thin hair like a fractal projection. Birds would attack him in the street with their own eggs. Toads would live in his pants, and the ground would swallow up his Lincoln Continental the way an NFL lineman inhales a single piece of Chex mix.

Don't get me wrong. Robertson has done some grand charity work at times, as well as other good deeds of note. I think he's sincere in many ways about his faith. However, the bloke is as sensitive as a piranha sometimes. He has the all the tact of a funeral director who keeps National Lampoon in the waiting rooms.

I wonder sometimes if he's the kind of vicar who would end a eulogy by announcing that the deceased was dearly loved by all his family and friends, which is a shame as he's on the express train straight to broiling hell right now. (Over the sudden crying and anger - "Oh, come on now! You all know it's true! The man was a foul, intemperate wretch who's having his posterior probed with a pitchfork as we speak!")

Someone please ask Ben Kinslow to stuff a large sock in his mouth any time there's a natural disaster or a celebrity comes down with an illness. Get someone to distract him with a colourful piece of string or better yet, a large fake camera with a happy and active red light to hold his gaze.

Mr. Robertson, please continue to help the needy but leave the talking (and probative thinking) to someone with functioning long-term memory and a consistent desire to draw people to Christ.

Slow post-holiday week for us...

Sorry about the reduced number of posts this week.. We are pulling together the Best of DOUI from the past year, which admittedly is only slightly more complex than Hillary Duff's recent greatest hits album, but it does take time to go through 650 posts.

In the meantime, please spend the time waiting for our next substantial post by analysing the latest poem from our dear friend and psychotic Max Speebek.

**********

A New Year
by M. Speebek, Ph.D., Ll.D, M.D., L.S.D.

A turn of the hands of the clock on my nose
How did it get there that clock
Damn that clock with its incessant ticking and the itch it
Gives me when I speak in a nasal tone. How will I ever
Do my Paul Lynde impression now?

Where was I? Ah yes...
The act of love, the passion of the tender caress of bare skin against bare skin.
The soft warmth of a woman's...

No, no, that wasn't it. I believe I was discussing irrigation
techniques of the Sahara
Or was it the latest features on Fandango?
Are my pants zipped up properly?...Yes, yes they are.

Whew!!

I was speaking of the proper use of mayonaisse on a liverwurst sandwich
And analyzing the way in which plastic sandwich bags can be used to
Alter the migration patterns of dingos. Or not. Maybe. Because.
Dingos. Funny little bastards. Vicious but funny in a vicious, untrustworthy sort of way
Like revolving doors or Mao.

The new year approaches. No, it's here already.
What the hell was I drinking that night on the 27th?
That's the last time I let Cavett mix my drink.
I could have been killed if I hadn't passed out already.

Where was I?

Who are you? What are you doing in my poem? You finish it. I need to sleep.

This is the way the poem ends
This is the way the poem ends
This is the way the poem ends

It's over.

Really. I'm not kidding.

I'm serious. I'm not going to write another word.

Turnip.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Vote Early! Vote Often!! (Erm...well once)

The 2006 Bloggies are now taking nominations. I would like to take this brief opportunity to encourage those of you for whom The Dictionary of Unfortunate Ideas has meant anything to at all...even as the site you like to laugh and point a finger at, while exclaiming "Idiots", to nominate us for "Most Humorous Weblog" or "Best New Weblog". The "Best Kept Secret" nomination may be the most appropriate in our case.

For those of you whom have stumbled upon this blog looking for Harry Potter, Iron Chef, or Cameron Diaz pics or info, we encourage you to nominate us as well, just to send a message to the establishment blogosphere, that you're tired of worn out political sites and people exhibitionistically journalling every perverse or strange thought they've ever had under assumed names (You know who you are, Ms. Rowling!!) (All right, I just made that up to keep the Potter hits coming...glorious numbers that they are.)

Take a stand! Vote for DOUI!! Vote Loony (That would be me)!!! Show Stew and Zimpter you care about the poor bastards!!!! Free Juan Carlos Vega!!!!!

Anyway, your nomination would be appreciated, and that's all I'll say about it for now, excluding the tagline above and the 340 other posts I've planned on this subject. Cheers!

Monday, January 02, 2006

Slogans Whose Time Have Come...

You know that feeling when you pass a store or see a product and you think, "Why the hell would anyone ever buy that?" I have that feeling all the time. Being a semi-creative type, I always try to channel such negative passions into positive work. So, to help get your new year off to a proper start, I'd like to present you with some product slogans that I think are honest and long overdue...

Hummer - Show the world the boxy, ugly, oversized you.
Burger King - Have it your way...maybe, if we're paying attention.
Knott's Berry Farm - What'd you expect? Disneyland?
Target - Like Wal-Mart, only more expensive and without underpaid senior citizens manning the exits.
Sanyo - Sounds like Sony...sort of.
Apple Computers - Still clinging to solvency! (Alternate slogan: We put meat in your hard drive!)
Trump Golf Courses - Nothing calms your nerves before that big putt like the sound of a raging waterfall. (Free Copy of Trump: The Golfer with every greens fee!)
First Act Musical Instruments - Cheap enough for your kids to break in, or just break!
Sears - Still in malls, nationwide!! Seriously! Just walk past the Dillards and we're right there, just to the left, past the Hallmark's. No, not the J.C. Penney's...the big empty one, without all the customers!
WaldenBooks - Owned outright by Barnes and Noble, so you know we're good!
ABC - Still looking for the kind of programming you might watch on your most desperate day.
K-Mart - Still selling Martha Stewart products! Just look for the fine goods in the black and white-striped packaging!
General Motors - Now, almost as good as Japanese cars!
Sonic - Twice the grease of McDonald's, three times the salt, and all of the taste!!
Foster's - The Australian beer for Americans who've never been to Australia, where few people drink the stuff except for Paul Hogan in commercials for serious quid.
Dreamworks - Recently Purchased Outright
Enzyte Male Enhancement Product - We'll add inches to your credit card statement...but that's about all we can ever guarantee. (Alternate slogan: For really stupid people with feelings of inadequacy, like our Board of Directors! Alternate, alternate slogan: We wish we could put meat in your hard drive!)
RC Cola - We're still number 27!!! After Coke, Pepsi, 7-Up, Sprite, Dr. Pepper, A&W, Barq's, Mr. Pibb, Irn-Bru, Kawasaki Samurai Cola, Mozambique Natural Gingko Ginger Ale, Tibetian Tinkle, Budapest Bubbly, etc., etc.
The Houston Texans - Every NFL team's homecoming opponent (If the NFL had homecoming, of course)!
Sunderland FC - Every Premier League team's homecoming opponent (If Premier...erm, you get the drift...)
Microsoft - Still taking over the world, one PC at a (This post mysteriously cancelled.)

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Resolute! Erm...yeah sure mate, whatever.

The New Year's resolution. That happy tradition where an individual looks at the fallacies and weaknesses in their life and resolves to change one or two of them. Then, determined and resolute, they stride forward with confidence and brimming with satisfaction and their new self-determinancy.

For most people this lasts all of 48 hours before they realise that actually following through with that plan to walk two miles a day requires getting up off the very comfortable sofa that they've grown accustomed to over the last decade. Or, for those that have resolved to eat a more healthy diet, that the taste of broccoli and sprouts was much more foul that they remembered, and that no amount of seasoning, from a flicker of salt, to a dash of chop sauce, to pouring an entire flask of spicy chutney over the top and then dousing it in extra-stout Guinness, will cover the taste.

Still, we try and in rare moments, with God's grace and a bit of fortitude and discipline, we make progress. I for example, after an illness a few years back, decided to make bottled water my regular drink, rather than the two litres of soda I washed everything down with each day. I still have one, no more than two, non-water drinks a day, but I am certain that had I not made this change I would weigh over 400 pounds now, rather than the much more comfortable 200 pounds I'm at now. I could go lower if I'd only resolve to not consume my weight in bacon and bangers at the local breakfast buffet.

Anyway, resolutions are a good thing. So, in the spirit of resolute - ting, I'd like to suggest a few resolutions for some well known people, in the hopes that their lives would benefit, and that they wouldn't pop up on one of the lists I compiled last night.

  • Tom Cruise - Where to begin? Dump Scientology so you'll have enough cash to buy a clue, stay off the couches, and treat Katie like a queen rather than the social fashion accessory she currently is. ("Katie, you can stay home today. I've decided to wear the belt with the really big brass buckle. Yes, like the guy on the Brawny paper towel package!")
  • Katie Holmes - Brad Pitt. If you're going to go old, you might want to go sane as well. Trust me, Angelina will move on.
  • Sir Alex Ferguson - Not to mumble so much and to lay off on Arsenal comments. It's everyone against Chelsea now. I don't care how bloody big he thinks United is. It doesn't matter a whit when you're nine points down in the table behind the blokes from Stamford Bridge. Personally, I think Sir Alex is sentimental and longs for the days when people cared enough to throw pizza at him from the tunnel.
  • Ashley Simpson - To grow out of her big sister's shadow and finally live up to her own unique potential, whatever that may be as it doesn't appear to be in the music industry. I know one thing. Ashley just has to be a better actress than Jessica.
  • Saddam Hussein - To never, ever, be photographed without trousers. Ever. Ever.
  • Howard Dean - To make the leap into professional wrestling at last. The man is simply too wild and untamed to be left to politics. He needs to be piledriving washed-up college linebackers, not debating economic and foreign policy analysts by squinting at them and grtting his teeth dramatically.
  • Ronaldinho - To resist the need to make the rest of the world's footballers, with the exception of Thierry Henry, feel so bleeding inadequate. If the game was played with three footballs, this bloke could manage them all on his own. Simply amazing. Ronaldinho...three words: "Sign for Arsenal."
  • HM Elizabeth II - To bat the family about the ears more often before the monarchy goes down the tubes completely.
  • Dick Cheney - To personally handle interrogations of terrorists. This man can make a Siberian tiger bleed internally by just staring at him. Pit Bulls chew their own heads off just to avoid the man's relentless and merciless gaze. Laura Bush once dislocated her own shoulders to avoid brunch with the Vice-President. Who needs torture when you've got a bloke who could stare down Mike Ditka into a puddle of his own sweat.
  • Ben Affleck - Listen, if I have to tell you, you really need to read this blog more often. I'd really prefer to avoid the topic altogether if you don't mind. Why'd you bring it up in the first place?
  • Kim Jong Il - To jump off a ruddy bridge.
  • J.K. Rowling - To treat Her Majesty Elizabeth, with the kindness and respect befitting someone of her lower economic status.
  • Emeril Lagasse- To only yell "Bam!" once a week, to cut down on the saliva levels in the dishes.
  • Al Zarqawi - To accidentally blow himself up a few times.
  • Martha Stewart - To go into rap music, where a rap sheet is a positive boon these days. She and 50-Cent would make a lovely couple. Plus, with the money rap music brings in, she'd own Trump's arse in a month.
  • 50-Cent - Change name to "$2.75" and watch out for matronly ex-con stalkers. Also, to buy Canada.
  • Donald Trump - Bald is in big guy.
  • Stew Miller - Get that Internet connection fixed, and let Zimpter drive the Batmobile now and again. Also, tell Lucas that grassoline will soon be replaced by fuel cells made from cow methane and alfalfa stalks.
  • Juan Carlos Vega - Keep up the good behaviour in the slammer, and stop sending Warwick Davis postcards that say, "I'm out in six months...hope to see you then!"
  • Zimpter Fiforg - Turn up at DOUI meetings once in awhile, if only to let us know how your new series is going.
  • Chico y Jose - Blog. period.
  • Earl Fando - To not be so hard on celebrities, politicians, and athletes. Maybe.