It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Twitter Madness: June

You might say I'm using Twitter to get back into the swing of things. Anyway, here are a few of my tweets from June:

  • 1 Jun - If everyone turned into the Hulk when they were angry commuting would be a whole lot more interesting.
  • 1 Jun - Would you mind expounding upon Ryle's challenges to Cartesian Dualism, if you've got a second? ‪#TextsThatGetNoReply
  • 4 Jun - The first time the Beatles tried Chinese food they wrote a song titled Mary in the Sky with Garnets.
  • 5 Jun - 22% of US citizens think Bruce Springsteen should write a new national anthem. Related news: 22% of Americans hopelessly addicted to crack.
  • 5 Jun - Every time Bill Clinton trends, a million people involuntarily imagine the sound of a zipper.
  • 5 Jun - The Beginner's Guide to Twitter: Rule Number 1 - Do not talk about Fight Club, because that movie sucked.
  • 5 Jun - Now that American Idol is done, Stephen Tyler is whiling away the break offering unsolicited advice and hugs to people humming in elevators.
  • 5 Jun- Personally, I can't stand the Transit of Venus. The trains are never on time and the air conditioning is crap.
  • 6 Jun - Honest to goodness, we just drove past the Batmobile, Adam West era. (Editor's Note: Seriously, this happened.)
  • 11 Jun - Takeway from Sinatra's "A Very Good Year": Other than a 3 or 4 years, life was a lonely, wine-sodden drag.
  • 16 Jun - Point of order: Fathers Day isn't meant to honor guys whose only interest in fatherhood is to be present at the conception.
  • 17 Jun - Golf fans: Simpson won the US Open. Non-golf fans: I didn't even know Homer played golf.
  • 18 Jun - Complain about the food at the Three Broomsticks in the WWoHP @ Universal & Jo Rowling pops out the kitchen and calls you a "stupid muggle."
  • 18 Jun - The worst part about Shia LeBeouf's nude scene in the new Sigur Ros video is all the "Holes" jokes it will inspire.
  • 19 Jun - Mike Tyson will be in a Broadway show. Possible titles: The Ring & I, Bagtime, Slamalot, and Mike Tyson Beats the Crap out of the Lion King.
  • 19 Jun - Mike Tyson is doing a one-man show on Broadway. He was supposed to have several co-stars, but he kept breaking them.
  • 19 Jun - Millard Fillmore: Devourer of Alien Blancmanges ‪#LesserPresidentMonsterMashups
  • 19 Jun - Somewhere, Mike Tyson's reading about Alec Baldwin's paparazzi encounter and thinking, "Man, that dude has rage issues."
  • 20 Jun - Paint It Plaque ‪#DentistSongs
  • 20 Jun - When are you going to play some Burl Ives? ‪#ThingsToNeverAskADJ
  • 20 Jun - Regardless of how you feel about Julian Assange's politics, remember that you can't spell Assange without "Ass."
  • 20 Jun - Twenty years ago today I married my beautiful wife. Happy anniversary, Mrs. Fando! Love, Earl.
  • 20 Jun - Why does Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter get invited to join the board of directors? To represent all the stakeholders in the company.
  • 20 Jun - When I was a student, I always wished the Fonz was my teacher, because he only gives out "Aaayyys."
  • 21 Jun - You know the Supreme Court was serious about their FCC ruling because there were 30 F-bombs and a nude pic of Justice Kagan in it.
  • 22 Jun - I think the term "flash mob" is disingenuous. For one thing, they almost always keep their clothes on.
  • 22 Jun - I know it's going to be hot this weekend because the neighborhood squirrels are holding up signs that read "Need Cold Beer."
  • 22 Jun - Track and Field done. Now men's diving is on. I don't watch much men's diving because there are more buffalo shots than Dances with Wolves.
  • 23 Jun - When writing a sex scene the most important details are the noises. ‪#BadWritingTips
  • 25 Jun - A Tortoise named "Lonesome George" died at age 100. I blame the other tortoises who didn't befriend him.
  • 25 Jun - Every time Jerry Springer trends on Twitter, someone in a trailer park gets their wings. (i.e. buys a case of Red Bull)
  • 26 Jun - It's so hot outside, every time the winos sneeze they set a building on fire.
  • 27 Jun - I've never understood why criminals are so afraid of Batman. Just clap your hands loudly and he'll get disoriented and run into a wall.
  • 29 Jun - Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are divorcing. In related news, the couch from Oprah Winfrey's old set spontaneously combusted and burned down.
  • 29 Jun - Ironically, the moment Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah's couch was the beginning of the end for him & Katie Holmes. She prefers strat-o-loungers