It's Oscars time. Somebody wake the Grouch.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

The Special One Says So Long to Stamford Bridge

All right, I was leaving Jorge's post up a bit to confirm that this is not, after all, a solo act (though a certain Mr. Miller could bother to post every month or so). However, the news that Chelsea coach Jose Mourinho has resigned/been sacked is too much to pass up.

As a Gooner, my first reaction1 was, "Well, that's good for Arsenal," because "The Special One's" slightly dour and pragmatic approach was also often effective.

My second reaction was, "(Chelsea owner) Roman Abromovich is the daftest nutter in football.2" He threw out a coach who'd won back to back titles on the basis of a follow-up second place and a reasonable start to the season. Obviously, he's thought he purchased Real Madrid instead of Chelsea. Barking mad expectations are normal in Madridbut long-time Chelsea fans, more use to qualifiying for the Inter-Toto Cup than the Champions League, thought they'd died and gone to heaven with the success of the past few years. They must be feeling a bit of the old purgatory right now.

My third reaction was, "How long will it take Real Madrid to throw over Bernd Schuster to bring Mourinho to the Bernabeu, even though Real lead the Spanish Primera with a perfect 3 wins in three starts?" (Answer: Real's first loss, which will be described as a "bitter disappointment requiring immediate change" by their effusive chairman Ramon Calderon.)

Lastly, for now, I wonder how long it will take Chelski to sink back into their traditional mid-table place, between Astin Villa and Blackburn. I give it a fortnight.

The way things are going, Chelsea's next coach might be Gordon Ramsay.

Well, Scottish coaches do well in the Premiership, and he'd certainly whip them in to shape. ("Get off your ******** **** Lampard and finish right! What a ******* disgrace you are Shevchenko!" "Joe Cole, don't you ******* know that a ******* fillet should be seared at ******* high heat over a ******* ******* open flame! etc...)

**********
1. After suppressed laughter, of course. Had it been Spurs I would have just let it out. Spurs can have a bit of pride though. Who knew Martin Jol would outlast Mourinho? Most people thought Jol would have been on a flight to Groningen by now.

2. Especially now that Duncan Ferguson, Vinnie Jones, and Eric Cantona have retired.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Jorge and Warwick, Together Again for the First Time

Before I went to prison for sensually harassing Danny Devito, I was the big time writer and producer of hit Broadway-style musicals and Hollywood-type motion pictures, and my resume was about eleventeen pages worth of the notable successes. I had the smash musical hit Waiting for Warwick, which played for two prestigious days in the Neil Simon Theater, and was written up in popular internet musical review web sites like the one what is being written by famous Lep Connie (notice, the August 19, 2007 entry for in depth review and mentionings of my fabulous musical).

Well, I am out of the prison now, and my dignity very gradually, how you going to say, being restored to me like a clown picking up pennies from a gutter filled with pennies and manure. It is no longer time for Jorge to mope around like an old rotting pomegranate that has been tossed in the bowl of rusty spoons. No longer must I lay beneath my covers in the dark, dark bedroom and try to drown out the whisperings of that name--Devito Devito Devito--that coming into my cracked bedroom window like the moths from another dimension that wants to eat the heart out of the dead raccoon! No!

Jorge is the free man, I tell you, the free man, as free as a melting lard ball on a hot Manhattan sidewalk! And now I returning to form, yes, and I am going back to the Broadway to once again open a musical type extravaganza in the Neil Simon theater, and it will be like as unto the SUPERNOVA OF ORION!!!!

I am calling it A Warwick for All Seasons, and it will be starring none other than Rip Torn portraying none other than Warwick Davis, and Warwick Davis portraying none other than Cab Calloway portraying a sentient, levitating chalk outline of a fifth dimensional being named W'Har-W'Hikk. I already have directors, producers, musical talents, librettist, and hair coordinators lined up. I am only needing the actors, orchestra and money.

Here is a hint for the, how you going to say, interested reader. We open on the dark scene of a dingy dark dim alleyway in the heart of the big city, where a certain darkly handsome and tie-wearing but shoeless Warwick Davis is waiting for something which is the, how you can say, event that is going to happen.

WARWICK sings
I'ma waitin' fer autumn winds to sweep the Warwick away!
Oh, I'ma waitin' fer autum winds to take me.
For I'ma goin' right soon to that magical place,
where the Warwick has wings and a single ivory colored horn a'sproutin' from his fore'ead.

Then enters the chorus line of the dancing girls in the top hats with purple socks.

CHORUS GIRLS (singing whilst high stepping)
Oh, the Warwick is waitin', he's waitin' and waitin'.
Keep on waitin', our Warwick, for that magical wind.
It'll come farting down the alleyway to take our dear Warwick,
and it'll carry him away like giant air arms hugging a tiny teddy bear
and a'liftin' it on up to heaven where he'll get his wings and his unicorn horn!

At this point, Rip Torn in his Warwick costume gets lifted up by strings into the fly gallery, and Warwick Davis as Cab Calloway as the sentient, levitating chalk outline of a fifth dimensional being named W'Har-W'Hikk descends onto the stage to sing the closing number while he, how you say, tap dance with no pants on.

W'Har-W'Hikk sings
This is what we call the magical moment,
when a thousand Warwick Davises fill your mind!
And every Warwick represents a moment of pure joy,
as you enter the fifth dimension and you mysteriously find
a winged and unicorny Warwick Davis! DAY-vis!
a winged and unicorny little Warwick! Oh my WAR-wick!
He's unicorny! A little bit horny! Corny corn corny!
Warwick WAR-wick war-WICK DAY DAY DAY DAY DAY VIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!!

Then curtains coming down, tears, crying, fainting spells, and Broadway is conquered. Imagine it! Now, here is the, how you say, thing, I have some of the lyrics, but I do not have the music. If only I had the music to go along with it, and the, how you can say, money to pull it off, it would be the pulled off thing instead of the waiting thing to be pulled off, which it currently is, if you dig what I mean. You can help me, if you, how you going to say, care enough about Jorge to help someone who spent the three years in prison for no reason any worse than trying to attack Danny Devito several times with a butter launching catapult. How you can help, you asking? By write to Mr. Warwick Davis and ask him to return my phone calls and be in my, how you going to say, Broadway style Warwick Davis musical. Write him at myfanmail@warwickdavis.co.uk

Thanks to you, and good afternoon.